posted on Sep, 22 2011 @ 05:22 AM
On 9/21/11 my sibling called me from 300 miles away to inform me that our father had passed away. He was found dead outside under his shed where he
had been working on his (homemade) boat. He was the last surviving member of his generation in the family.
I was close to my father. I called him weekly just to BS and see how things were going. I knew, and have known, for a long time that his health had
been failing. Every time my mother would call me, I would answer half expecting to hear the news that he had passed. This has been the norm for the
past 6 years at least. I knew he was in a lot of pain from a botched back surgery in the mid 90's, and his lifelong obsession with cigarettes
didn't do much to prevent the massive heart attack that claimed him.
My father was a giver. As far as I can remember - he was always a giver. He has provided homes, vehicles, loans, and even bail money to me & my
siblings. He worked hard so others could enjoy the fruits of his labor.
On one of my calls to him a few weeks back - he began to talk about dying. He specifically stated that he wanted to be cremated, with no big fuss
made over him. He indicated to me that he wouldn't even want me to make the trip up there to mourn his passing as per his words "hell, I won't
know nothing about it whether you're there or not...for all I care just as long as someone calls you & lets you know that it's happened....that'll
be fine with me"
I don't want to see my dead father. I don't want my memories of him to include viewing him as a corpse in a box. My last memories of him are from
earlier this summer sitting outside while he's grilling pork chops for everyone...I don't want that memory replaced by an ashen body. I have stated
this to my family & siblings, and for some reason it make me wonder if I am a bad person. I have not grieved, although I love him very much. Perhaps
because of the distance, I've not yet reached that stage of the process yet - and that by showing up there today then the reality will hit me. I
didn't even want to go back there just to be with my remaining family. Is that terrible? Or is it just a subconscious way of trying to avert the