My poem (please rate)

(EDIT: i added a new poem to the bottom, Sept 3)

Ok, so i was reading a "smells like teen spirit" forum and some guy said that Kurt Cobain used to say "load up on drugs adn kill your friends" instead of "load up on guns and bring your friends"...so i just freestyled from there and i think it turned out good..

The following is the tune of "smells like teen spirit" (Without the chorus)

load up on drugs
and kill your friends
tonight you'll shoot them in the head
and when they start
to bleed
you'll fall asleep
and dream
and dream again

while they're inside
you'll think of lies
to cover up
your deadly demise
there goes the light
dont try to fight
you'll know how it feels
to hide
to hide

_______________________________________________________________

Tell me what you guys think! =D


(EDIT: The rest is on the bottom)

[edit on 20-8-2004 by sheaisdumb]

[edit on 3-9-2004 by sheaisdumb]

load up on drugs
and kill your friends
tonight you'll shoot them in the head


This part needs rephrasing. Other than that I give it an 6 out of a possible 10. I took 2 marks off because it should have been longer. Very entertaining though. An excellent start.

Thanks for responding websurfer....i 'finished' it for you

your coming back
but you dont care
because you know
you're in despair

The door opens
you run upstairs
you see them coming
through the tears

Your on the roof
They're comin fast
you go in your pocket
all you hear is a blast...

You dont care
of all those you knew
'cause they dont know
what you've been through


_________________________________

I was kind of wondering about the line "you dont care of all those you knew"...i wanted to write something like "It's all over but ______ _______ ____" but i couldnt find a good word that rhymed with though in that sentence

Tell me what u guys think =D

I like it...9 outta 10.

Originally posted by sheaisdumb
I was kind of wondering about the line "you dont care of all those you knew"...i wanted to write something like "It's all over but ______ _______ ____" but i couldnt find a good word that rhymed with though in that sentence

You dont care
of all those you knew
Its all over
but time to start anew

Kinda like saying the character would go to rehab or something...[shrugs[

cool thanks for ur replies, and good suggestion =D

My new addition -

my heart is bleeding
it pains me to feel
i'm not going to be happy
if i'm just going to be let down

my throat is burning
my eyes are swollen
i've cried in my sleep
until i ran out of tears
then my chest closes in
and i whimper
and i sob
and i mentally die

i'm surrounded by people
but i feel lonely
the emptiness hurts
but the hollowness kills

i'm ridiculed for everything
their words are swords filled with poison
they purposely stab me
and stab me again
i perish, but it's never over

I feel exposed
yet...i put myself out there

i'm dying with every second and theres nothing that can help me
i'm being murdered in front of their eyes and all they do is smile