Buckle down or unbuckle?

I am trying desperatly to make my marriage work. And I succeed only for about a month until I realize that instead of being happy, I am just making do. We don't fight. I mean, VERY rarely do we disagree, argue, blame, put eachother down etc. We have our finances in order. We both have decent jobs. Our house is on the market since we are running out of room and have a two year old. I love my daughter more than anything and make every effort to be a good Mom. We almost always cook meals at home sometimes together. We communicate like trained business executives. The house is clean the yard is mown. It sounds pretty good, but...

I have some really big issues. I stay awake at night wishing I had the bed to myself. I wish I could have just one day "off marriage" not to cheat or anything like that exactly but you know what I mean. We are business partners as far as I am concerned and it never changes. Even before the birth of my child my husband and I had zero in common but then it was interesting. To be with someone that lives in a completely different world you know? Two random people at walmart would have more incommon than we do. We have different philisophical ideas, different food tasts, different ideas of how we want to spend our free time, different ideas on how to parent our baby girl, MUCH different friends. His family is extremely disfunctional and I accept them, try to be non-judgemental, I'm cordial, and sometimes fake with them. To put it bluntly, our families are from different sides of the tracks, get what I am saying?

So far, it's worked well, we are both skilled at marriage! Congratulations to us.

My husband is a very simple man. He has no passion for anything non-material. I love to read, he only reads mail, from a real mail box. I love to cook and eat new things, he refuses. I love to just sit and shoot the breeze, he prefers yes or no type questions. I want to travel and see new things, he hates riding in the car. I think you get the idea. He's perfectly happy with the life we've made and he tells me so when ever I try to bring up my frustrations.

My dilema is this: I have a beautiful smart baby that needs her parents equally. I am also a product of a divorced family and I am grateful my parents didn't stick it out, their problems were MUCH bigger than mine I'm sure. Can I do that to her for my own benefit?

But how do I figure out what to do? Talking about it will fix things for about a day, my husband will ensure that he atleast makes an effort to spend a few more mintutes talking to me that day or act like he is interested in whatever for a few minutes then we are back to square one. Am I being rediculous? Maybe I should just buckle down and quit sniveling right? I need to be thankful that my husband is coming home everynight, has a job and is a good father. Right? Ugh, but I am so so unhappy. It's always in my head and I can't stop. I don't want to do anything to hurt my baby, but how bad is bad enough?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know it's long and probably sounds really lame since I don't have anything serious going on like, "he cheated" or "I'm addicted to porn" or "we argue about money non-stop" and that is why I don't talk to any of my friends or family about it, throw away my marriage and put my daughter through that just so I can start over? I can't tell anyone.

I welcome any and all advice.

Most grateful,
Wild

Opposites don't always attract, and you two sound like polar opposites. It also sounds like you have no passion in the marriage, and I don't mean just in the bedroom. When there is no passion, someone will most likely stray and that will have detrimental effects on your marriage. I would suggest you try to find one thing that you guys can try. Something new for BOTH of you, see if that helps.

I was with someone like that for two years and decided we should divorce. We are now best friends! Our marriage didn't work but our friendship has blossomed more than you can believe. Our daughter is now six years old and she loves that her parents get along so well. She sees us both DAILY that's how well we get along. We even get dating advice from one another.

I'm not saying that's the route you should take, I am simply saying that's how it worked out for me. But first I would try to find something new to share, maybe it will spark something with you guys.

Best of luck

There needs to be an apex in a relationship or it can never work! You have to both have the same thing you are working towards or your always going to be going in different directions father and farther away from each other.
You will only grow more dissatisfied and unhappy and that will not help your child either!
My girls have only blossomed since I ended my dysfunctional marriage...a happy mom is a good mom in so many ways!

Oh and it has to be a sustaining apex! Staying together for the kids only keeps you working together for so long! When the kid/kids leave the nest then your just empty, with your best years behind you.

reply to post by wildoracle13


Well, you can rest assured that 95% of married people (including me) can totally sympathize with what you're saying. We all go into marriage with preconceptions of what it's all about, but in reality is is much more like a business relationship than a romantic one. We have 3 kids and our relationship is geared towards raising children and keeping the household running, there's very little time devoted to being married. My married-with-children friends all say pretty much the same thing. As for what people do when they discover this reality, some stick it out, some get divorced and chase that false dream of the uber-romantic marriage (and end up getting married over and over again because they never find what they want) and some stay married but have flings on the side which may bring temporary excitement but eventually lead to destroyed lives all around.

I guess my advice would be to quit focusing on what you don't like about your marriage and focus on what you do like. I remember a comedian doing a sketch once on how much he hated his wife, he was talking about all the annoying things she did and one of them was "all that breathing, just breathing all the time, in and out, in and out, drove me crazy!" LOL! The point being that if you focus on the negatives they will blot out the sun. Sometimes a change in perception makes all the difference. Learn to live with the bad things and celebrate the good things. You said you have your finances in order, congrats, you're in the elite few in this world that do! That's reason to celebrate right there. Focus on things like that. Best wishes!

reply to post by wildoracle13


Sounds to me like the "spark" has gone, ultimately you can either do one of two things; considering you have your life in order then simply put up with it and remain unhappy or have an honest chat with yourself and ask whether the life your living is what you really want for the future.

I'm not married, but I have an idea of what your talking about...

Being a product of a 2 divorce family (3 marriages), I have seen my mom go through allot to ensure her happiness and the happiness of her children. I am the oldest (26) and have been with her, and supported her, every step of the way. That coupled with my own relationships (failed), I can understand some of the issues you are experiencing.

It sounds like you are hitting a lull that many married couples experience throughout the course of the relationship. It also seems that you have a good handle on where your dissatisfaction stems from. Have you taken the chance to sit with your husband and truly spell out where your issue's lie? Many time's men become complacent in certain area's of their lives when they begin to feel comfortable. He may be completely unaware of your feelings, and as a man, needs a firm wake up call to understand the depth of your feelings. I know my ex, would make comments from time to time on how to improve our relationship, I would nod my head, but never took it seriously until she was gone. In my case this turned out to be a good thing, but the initial shock still hurts.

He may have similar feelings as you, if so you can take a chance to constructively criticize each other and begin to mutually move towards the best option for you, your husband, and most importantly your daughter. At the end of the day it is her emotional state that you need to be aware of. A messy divorce can be very difficult on a child's emotional state. With that said, a bad marriage can be even more detrimental to her mental health. Communication will be your most important ally moving forward.

Communicate with your husband, how important it is to you, that your daughter is not pushed to the side throughout this ordeal. He sounds like a good man, and will probably agree with you 100%, if he is given the proper time to digest the information. At the end of the day I can't say , yes do it or no don't, as I don't know you well enough to help in that regard. But with a 50%+ divorce rate in this country, I'm sure you will find plenty of people that can help guide you in any decision that you make.

Good luck! And keep your head up, there are always greener pastures, sometimes it just takes a little extra time.

Definitely focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

Think about the fact that you have a husband who is working, who doesn't beat you, doesn't cheat on you, doesn't emotionally abuse you, or abuse your child. You are already doing better than a great many couples out there, so stay positive!

It sounds like you are just bored. The fact that you two don't have a ton in common isn't really a bad thing, If neither of you want to compromise and do something the other one likes, but you don't, that's a bad thing.

Are you guys spending too much time together, or too little?

If you two are both cooped up in the house all day together just annoying each other and becoming frustrated, then the both of you need to have some alone time. I don't mean alone as in by yourself, alone as in spending time with other people. Go out to a movie, out to a bar, a festival, just do something with your friends or a family member to get some time away from your husband. Encourage him to do the same thing. When people just sit around together day in and day out for years things get boring.

If you feel disconnected, and think you don't spend enough time together, then you guys need to go out for dinner, or some other activity. You say neither of you have much in common as far as your interests go. Well, take turns. Go out together a few times a week, and trade off. One day do something he wants to do, the other day do something you want to do. One of you will be having fun, and the other will experience something new and potentially begin to enjoy it as well.

Try to think of why/how you guys got together in the first place. I really hope he didn't just knock you up and then you guys figured you'd get married. If that's the case, I don't know what to tell you.

If that's not the case, think back to what made you like him. What are the things about him that make you happy, or fortunate to be with him?

As I guy I can honestly tell you, that most women need to be more direct and vocal about what they are feeling. Most guys don't like to talk about "feelings" but don't phrase it that way. Just be direct with him. Once you figure out the problem (too much time with each other vs. too little) then lay it down straight. Say "We just sit around all the time getting bored of each other, lets both go out and do something with our friends/family. You watch the kids while I go out, and I'll watch the kids while you go out" Or on the other side of things "We need to spend more time together, lets go out a few times a week, we'll trade off on who gets to choose what we do"

A marriage isn't just a big bucket of fun times and ever increasing pleasure. There will be ups and downs and you need to be there for each other, and be honest and understanding. The most important thing you need to figure out, is if you REALLY still care deeply for your husband. Think about if he left you. Think about if he started dating other women. Think about not having him by your side anymore. If these things upset you, you probably still care for him. If you are indifferent, then it would seem you no longer care for him, and if that's the case you need to end it before you both become bitter and it negatively effects your child.

Sorry for the rough times my friend, I wish you the best, and let everyone know how things are going in the future.

reply to post by SavedOne


Thank you SavedOne, it's so hard to be grateful for things that don't seem important until they are gone. Like, clean drinking water, pre-cut chicken breasts, car batteries and my husband. LOL!! That was mean. Sorry. That was horrible. But... kinda funny.

reply to post by wildoracle13


Sounds like you have to have some gals nights out, maybe even some kind of weekend getaway with the girlfriends, something like that.

That way, you get some of the things you've been craving, without him being uncomfortable.

On that end though, sounds like he needs to FIRST realize that his wife is unhappy, and get his head out of the sand (a common husband response...we don't like conflict), and maybe try and bend a little, and try some new things, etc. He may be glad he did... It's YOUR job to convince him of it.

I'd at least recommend these steps over something more drastic.

See if both of you can adopt a hobby where you are each with your own sex, and you get some time away from each other for a bit.

For my wife and I, for example...she has Scrapbooking, and I have Paintball. She goes to crops with the gals, and me and the guys go shoot people. No matter how much you love each other...you still need a vacation from them now and then.

reply to post by Cowgirlstraitup7


Wow, I am so happy that you are able to pull all that off! Thanks for replying, I completely understand what you are saying.

reply to post by Death_Kron


Death... Being honest to myself about where I am in life will only rile me up I am sure. As it turns out I had some pretty high hopes for myself as a younger person. I wanted to be married to a wealthy millionaire and living in Borneo or something like that. Apparently I am still unable to set logical, realistic expectations for myself and it's quite possible that the same goes for my hubby. Thanks for putting it so bluntly but the end of that story turns out tragic. Thanks for setting that one out. More for me to ponder I suppose.

Originally posted by TheRealTruth84
Being a product of a 2 divorce family (3 marriages), I have seen my mom go through allot to ensure her happiness and the happiness of her children. I am the oldest (26) and have been with her, and supported her, every step of the way. That coupled with my own relationships (failed), I can understand some of the issues you are experiencing.

It sounds like you are hitting a lull that many married couples experience throughout the course of the relationship. It also seems that you have a good handle on where your dissatisfaction stems from. Have you taken the chance to sit with your husband and truly spell out where your issue's lie? Many time's men become complacent in certain area's of their lives when they begin to feel comfortable. He may be completely unaware of your feelings, and as a man, needs a firm wake up call to understand the depth of your feelings. I know my ex, would make comments from time to time on how to improve our relationship, I would nod my head, but never took it seriously until she was gone. In my case this turned out to be a good thing, but the initial shock still hurts.

He may have similar feelings as you, if so you can take a chance to constructively criticize each other and begin to mutually move towards the best option for you, your husband, and most importantly your daughter. At the end of the day it is her emotional state that you need to be aware of. A messy divorce can be very difficult on a child's emotional state. With that said, a bad marriage can be even more detrimental to her mental health. Communication will be your most important ally moving forward.

Communicate with your husband, how important it is to you, that your daughter is not pushed to the side throughout this ordeal. He sounds like a good man, and will probably agree with you 100%, if he is given the proper time to digest the information. At the end of the day I can't say , yes do it or no don't, as I don't know you well enough to help in that regard. But with a 50%+ divorce rate in this country, I'm sure you will find plenty of people that can help guide you in any decision that you make.

Good luck! And keep your head up, there are always greener pastures, sometimes it just takes a little extra time.

edit on 8/10/2011 by TheRealTruth84 because: (no reason given)

Thanks for everything you've said. My Mom successfully completed 4 total marriages and is engaged in her 5th so I too, know how it is. I have been with this guy for almost 8 years and married for 4. Here's the thing, like your ex I have been very straightforward about what is in my mind. I make sure he knows that I am not a thing. He knows that I need more attention than "hey, what's for dinner". He knows that I pull away from him because he isn't doing any more than fufilling his own needs. It's bull and I have made sure that he knows it. But like you said, he dips into this thing for MONTHS where he is perfectly comfortable behaving like we are roomies until I blow up again. I don't know if he just doesn't care or it's easier to just fight once in a while. Ugh. Definitly looking at greener pastures. lol

reply to post by wildoracle13

I had some pretty high hopes for myself as a younger person. I wanted to be married to a wealthy millionaire and living in Borneo or something like that. Apparently I am still unable to set logical, realistic expectations for myself

I used to want to rule the world... Seriously. As a beneficent dictator.
Then, I cut it down to New Zealand (I just like the place).

Then, I realized that it isn't really in the cards, and I'll never have my volcano lair. Oh well.

So, at least your dream was more realistic than mine...

Originally posted by James1982
Definitely focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

Think about the fact that you have a husband who is working, who doesn't beat you, doesn't cheat on you, doesn't emotionally abuse you, or abuse your child. You are already doing better than a great many couples out there, so stay positive!

It sounds like you are just bored. The fact that you two don't have a ton in common isn't really a bad thing, If neither of you want to compromise and do something the other one likes, but you don't, that's a bad thing.

Are you guys spending too much time together, or too little?

If you two are both cooped up in the house all day together just annoying each other and becoming frustrated, then the both of you need to have some alone time. I don't mean alone as in by yourself, alone as in spending time with other people. Go out to a movie, out to a bar, a festival, just do something with your friends or a family member to get some time away from your husband. Encourage him to do the same thing. When people just sit around together day in and day out for years things get boring.

If you feel disconnected, and think you don't spend enough time together, then you guys need to go out for dinner, or some other activity. You say neither of you have much in common as far as your interests go. Well, take turns. Go out together a few times a week, and trade off. One day do something he wants to do, the other day do something you want to do. One of you will be having fun, and the other will experience something new and potentially begin to enjoy it as well.

Try to think of why/how you guys got together in the first place. I really hope he didn't just knock you up and then you guys figured you'd get married. If that's the case, I don't know what to tell you.

If that's not the case, think back to what made you like him. What are the things about him that make you happy, or fortunate to be with him?

As I guy I can honestly tell you, that most women need to be more direct and vocal about what they are feeling. Most guys don't like to talk about "feelings" but don't phrase it that way. Just be direct with him. Once you figure out the problem (too much time with each other vs. too little) then lay it down straight. Say "We just sit around all the time getting bored of each other, lets both go out and do something with our friends/family. You watch the kids while I go out, and I'll watch the kids while you go out" Or on the other side of things "We need to spend more time together, lets go out a few times a week, we'll trade off on who gets to choose what we do"

A marriage isn't just a big bucket of fun times and ever increasing pleasure. There will be ups and downs and you need to be there for each other, and be honest and understanding. The most important thing you need to figure out, is if you REALLY still care deeply for your husband. Think about if he left you. Think about if he started dating other women. Think about not having him by your side anymore. If these things upset you, you probably still care for him. If you are indifferent, then it would seem you no longer care for him, and if that's the case you need to end it before you both become bitter and it negatively effects your child.

Sorry for the rough times my friend, I wish you the best, and let everyone know how things are going in the future.

We were two years into our marriage when he knocked me up. LOL! So, we got that part right I think. You are on the money about me being bored. I'm bored. Plain and simple. Now what dude? I try to think about what he was like when I decided I wanted him for life. He was cool? He was...funny. He was hot. haha! Okay, just being honest. We got together before we were out of high school so now that we are 26 we're 100% completely different people. Maybe if I wait around until we are 60 we will be different all over again. Of course I care for him, I mean, I wouldn't want him dead. Oh, and we do spend normal amounts of time together. Sometimes we do stuff apart sometimes together but ya, it's like hanging out with my granny. Let's not forget that we must completely self entertain here, we live in Wyoming so there's no mall for 200 miles. There's no place to see a concert or a baseball game unless you go to the YMCA. Going out dancing means you gotta go to the Elks or a 10x20 foot bar.

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by wildoracle13

 

Sounds like you have to have some gals nights out, maybe even some kind of weekend getaway with the girlfriends, something like that.

That way, you get some of the things you've been craving, without him being uncomfortable.

On that end though, sounds like he needs to FIRST realize that his wife is unhappy, and get his head out of the sand (a common husband response...we don't like conflict), and maybe try and bend a little, and try some new things, etc. He may be glad he did... It's YOUR job to convince him of it.

I'd at least recommend these steps over something more drastic.

See if both of you can adopt a hobby where you are each with your own sex, and you get some time away from each other for a bit.

For my wife and I, for example...she has Scrapbooking, and I have Paintball. She goes to crops with the gals, and me and the guys go shoot people. No matter how much you love each other...you still need a vacation from them now and then.

We take healthy time away from the routine. I do my thing and he does his. Doesn't seem to make a darn difference in what we have to talk about or anything. I did scrapbooking until we put the house on the market and my realtor said that no one would be impressed with how much crafty sprinkles I had piled up all over everything so that had to go to storage. Then, to quell my boredom I joined a paranormal research group. I tried really hard not to be judgemental because I like ghost hunting so much but these guys just wanted to get in my pants and well, I was good at deflecting that until they started inviting me to dungeons and dragons or whatever. I broke off my engangement with them. Oh how I wish there was a straight up answer to all my problems. You'd think as an oracle I could simply see the future on this one.

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by wildoracle13

 

I had some pretty high hopes for myself as a younger person. I wanted to be married to a wealthy millionaire and living in Borneo or something like that. Apparently I am still unable to set logical, realistic expectations for myself

I used to want to rule the world... Seriously. As a beneficent dictator.
Then, I cut it down to New Zealand (I just like the place).

Then, I realized that it isn't really in the cards, and I'll never have my volcano lair. Oh well.

So, at least your dream was more realistic than mine...

So, Super Mods don't live in volcano lairs? To be a super moderator don't you have to have pre-req experience in dictating small islands? I bet you even wear a special suit don't you?

Originally posted by wildoracle13
we live in Wyoming

Well there's your problem right there!

Only kidding of course, but it does seem that plays a part in the issue. If there isn't a lot to do around those parts I could see getting bored as almost guaranteed.

Your right about people being different than they were in high school. If that's when you guys met no doubt both of you have changed. You seem like you still care for him, that's the most important thing in my opinion.

You say your 26, so just a little younger than me. It's about that time life seems to become more mundane. The exciting late teens and early 20s is over, maybe that's all this is? Even if you were alone, or with someone else, it's very possible you'd be feeling the same sense of boredom that you do right now.

I have no idea what kind of activities people in Wyoming do, or what the two of you enjoy, but just go do something! What about camping? Go out for a camp with your husband and kid for a few nights, have a few drinks and sit around the camp fire telling stories from your past, that sort of thing.

Do you have a garden, for food? If not, that could be a cool project for you and your husband to work on together. Plus you'd have some healthy food and give your pocketbook a little relief.

I'm just throwing ideas out there, but there's got to be something you guys can do. Something new and fresh. It seems when two people experience something new together it brings them closer together. Brainstorm something that the two of you have never done, and then just do it. Spontaneity is another good way of reigniting that spark.

From the little I know of your situation it seems a lot of this is in your head. Change the way you look at your life and your marriage and you may start feeling differently about it. Although putting effort into actually changing things is never a bad idea.

I also live in this sparsely populated state! I love it! And who would want to hang out in a fluorescent bulbed mall for a day when there's all these mountains, forests, lakes, rivers, and wildlife and not another single human being in the vicinity. I'm 32, lived in WY for about 22 years now, and been outside of the state many times, only to expeditiously get back "home" as soon as possible. Majority of the people that I know, that have left Wyo for greener pastures are regretting that decision.

I'd highly recommend a trip in state to one of the parks (Thermopolis, or Wyoming State Parks). Or head down to your chamber of commerce and find out about all the historical districts in your community. County fairs are starting to pick up, so I'd suggest heading to one of these for the afternoon. Great foods, great people, awesome exhibits are to be found. Have you looked at a guided fishing trip down one of the rivers? Down around Flaming Gorge, they have an awesome guided horse-back trip around a part of the canyon, a phenomenal experience . Renting a quad or two could lead to an afternoon of fun activities. Wintertime, renting a snowmachine is also a load of fun.

Originally posted by James1982

Originally posted by wildoracle13
we live in Wyoming

Well there's your problem right there!

Only kidding of course, but it does seem that plays a part in the issue. If there isn't a lot to do around those parts I could see getting bored as almost guaranteed.

Your right about people being different than they were in high school. If that's when you guys met no doubt both of you have changed. You seem like you still care for him, that's the most important thing in my opinion.

You say your 26, so just a little younger than me. It's about that time life seems to become more mundane. The exciting late teens and early 20s is over, maybe that's all this is? Even if you were alone, or with someone else, it's very possible you'd be feeling the same sense of boredom that you do right now.

I have no idea what kind of activities people in Wyoming do, or what the two of you enjoy, but just go do something! What about camping? Go out for a camp with your husband and kid for a few nights, have a few drinks and sit around the camp fire telling stories from your past, that sort of thing.

Do you have a garden, for food? If not, that could be a cool project for you and your husband to work on together. Plus you'd have some healthy food and give your pocketbook a little relief.

I'm just throwing ideas out there, but there's got to be something you guys can do. Something new and fresh. It seems when two people experience something new together it brings them closer together. Brainstorm something that the two of you have never done, and then just do it. Spontaneity is another good way of reigniting that spark.

From the little I know of your situation it seems a lot of this is in your head. Change the way you look at your life and your marriage and you may start feeling differently about it. Although putting effort into actually changing things is never a bad idea.

Yes we are bored! All the time. Our house is on the market and we weren't able to grow a garden this year. I mean, I wasn't able to. My husband doesn't want anything to do with gardening and I LOVE it. Go figure eh? We are talking about going camping this weekend! Funny you mention it. I don't know if we will go though since a relative of his is getting married this weekend. He wants to go to that so whatever. I don't know if you read that part, but his family doesn't have much class. I will end up taking my daughter to the hotel early mark my words. People will be beligerently drunk and fist fighting and I won't let my baby around that. So. There you have it. This is how things go for us, I want to do something HEALTHY for our family at a time that we really need it, he KNOWS we need it yet, he will choose attending the wedding. I am ready to wash my hands of this.