Need Help - Completely Ruled By Fear

I honestly am not sure where to post this but I thought this would be a safe bet for now. Also, I apologize if this is jumbled as my thoughts are all over the place and I'm on a sugar high from eating Skittles all day.


Ever since I was a very young child, I've had many experiences that would lead me to believe that there is something greater than us. I won't go into every detail, as most likely they're not all important, but I've had many times where I should have died and been in many situations that even to this day I'm not sure how I made it out 'normal'. Even my birth is a really strange story and something neither my mother or myself should have lived through. I have, for as long as I can remember, had a sense that I'm waiting - it's not necessarily always in the forefront of my mind, but it's almost like a 'knowing' that something big is on it's way. In addition to that, I've also always had an overwhelming feeling that I don't belong - this has never hindered me in my daily life, and it's something I've just come to accept, but even as a little kid I'd always known that I don't want to be here.

Because of all of the above, this lead me at a very young age [I believe I was about nine when I started] to absorb as much as I could about different religions and spiritualities, death and the afterlife, the power of the mind/meditation, anything to do with the occult, ancient civilizations, etc.. Basically most of the stuff this site is based on, I delved into.

At the age of 11 I started practicing Yoga and Meditation, and here's where things kinda start getting a little 'hairy'. I know where I need to be - I can feel it, and I want to get there so badly, but I am so terrified to get to that point. I've been trying to get there from a very young age - for the past 14 years I've been slowly crawling towards this place of enlightenment and I'm completely blocking myself out and I have no idea why. Unfortunately reading books and listening to other people give speeches for hours doesn't cut it - I need to experience it but I'm totally scared to. I can't sit and meditate, as soon as my mind becomes quiet, and I'm still and I can literally feel my vibrations rising, I panic and shut everything down again.

It doesn't seem to matter how many times I try to push past this fear, it almost seems impossible for me pull myself out of it. I don't feel like I have any 'demons', so to speak - I operate from a place of absolute love for my fellow human beings, I'm a very compassionate person towards all life, every single day I learn from each experience I have no matter the outcome - it's just this one thing I have that's been like a monkey on my back. This one aspect of my life, that I feel if I could break through it, would be HUGE for me and it would change EVERYTHING. I can feel that and yet I feel I can not do anything about it.

To clear things up, I'm not specifically talking about meditation and my lack of being able to meditate, but that is a small part of it. Basically I feel like I've been 'working' towards enlightenment for a long time, but at the same time I'm terrified of enlightenment and I have no idea why, and I know it's stopping me from being where I should be.

At this point, any input, any advice, anything at all is very much appreciated. Also, I'm pretty much an open book so any questions I'd be happy to answer.

reply to post by Cinquain


I know that feeling all too well, your not alone with this, there maybe more people than you think who are expereincing the same, in simplicity you have to overcome that fear, fear is energy, as is love, anger, and a host of emotions, i am daily still trying to overcome this fear, also began this mindset journey when i was young, read all the books taken most of the courses, as we are in the same boat how about we over come this fear me from where i am and you from where you are, and find away, i know as do you that when this cycle is broken it will be become complete and a new one will begin, remember its a mindset, believe it or not you feel at ease comfortable not breaking through, its what you know and have gotten used to - people fear change - its the unknown, any suggestions i would also welcome to not try but definately break this code and move forwards.

This is interesting from a psychological view I would say it is a fear of completion or reaching the "end point" although I would think it would be just the beginning of your journey. Also I think I could see enlightenment as being a burden having this knowledge that most do not. I would love to even be able to clear my mind long enough to get a good meditation in, I think I lack the focus to achieve enlightenment. Best of luck embrace the fear and push through it and then share what you learn maybe tap the Akashic Libraries!

To you both, your answer is very simple and yet it is precisely what you are as yet incapable of: Faith. Do not read this as "religion". You must open yourself and surrender to absolute faith that all is as it should be at all times. Not so very long ago, I was like you, unable to overcome that fear that held me where I was. I simply could not find the key to open myself to faith. My search too started in my childhood and still as a middle-aged person, I could not find that key. I will now give you the information you need to find your own key.

Make the decision that you will have faith. Yes, that's it. You must decide that you have faith. There is no need to decide the specifics -- your heart performs that task. You simply make the decision that you have faith and bit by bit it will be so. Start now. It takes some practice because you have to come to understand that you cannot be judgmental in faith. You do not make demands nor have expectations. Faith must be your way.

"Being" is different for me now. I understand. Make the decision.

its true, you are not alone. I suffer from this also and I am sure many others do too. I for a long time was just very focussed on the act of meditation and the feelings/experiences that manifest, but then one day it all got way to real, and I fall away from the concentration before I actually go through the door simply because of plain fear, I usually have an instinctual feeling of fear of seperation from the body, or feeling like I am in a different setting and being unable to control the fear that I am not "me" fall away. Sometimes the fear of contact with other things. Basically anything that doesnt make 'sense' can pull me away instantly from an otherwise very ripe meditation.

I recently tried to focus more on other ideas, rather than trying to control my mind or try to empty my mind. I just attempt to be in tune with compassion and try to expland my heart and love all around, its working for me to just imagine first my body filling with light, then my balcony, then my apartment and spouse inside, then my building and all my neighbours, then my little block, and my city, province.... you get the idea. The reason I think is there being a seed of service to others, the ego is tricked for the time being not to think on itself (since we are so used to operating through that mind-channel 99% of the time). its one of the back doors I guess haha.

And remember dont be down on yourself, just keep at it, I have been bad lately having a hard time getting back into my rhythm of daily meditation, and your thread is calling out my own issues that need some tending to. Thanks for sharing joyjoyjoyjoy

I feel that way, but only recently. I just woke up a short time ago, and am playing a lot of catch up

Originally posted by CosmicEgg
To you both, your answer is very simple and yet it is precisely what you are as yet incapable of: Faith. Do not read this as "religion". You must open yourself and surrender to absolute faith that all is as it should be at all times. Not so very long ago, I was like you, unable to overcome that fear that held me where I was. I simply could not find the key to open myself to faith. My search too started in my childhood and still as a middle-aged person, I could not find that key. I will now give you the information you need to find your own key.

Make the decision that you will have faith. Yes, that's it. You must decide that you have faith. There is no need to decide the specifics -- your heart performs that task. You simply make the decision that you have faith and bit by bit it will be so. Start now. It takes some practice because you have to come to understand that you cannot be judgmental in faith. You do not make demands nor have expectations. Faith must be your way.

"Being" is different for me now. I understand. Make the decision.

Thank you very much for the response. I can understand what you're saying, and you've also helped me understand something else. I was raised with a very strict Mormon upbringing, which I slowly started shedding after I was baptized [around ten years old]. In shedding the religion I was raised with, I started shedding faith in general - it had only brought me frustration and I started thinking more logically and I took a more analytical approach to life. With the upbringing I had, there was no questioning allowed, even questioning simple verses from the bible I didn't understand I was scolded for and told that I just had to believe - questioning the Mormon faith wasn't allowed and by doing so I was denying God. Perhaps that has something to do with it.

Originally posted by ParanoidAmerican
This is interesting from a psychological view I would say it is a fear of completion or reaching the "end point" although I would think it would be just the beginning of your journey. Also I think I could see enlightenment as being a burden having this knowledge that most do not. I would love to even be able to clear my mind long enough to get a good meditation in, I think I lack the focus to achieve enlightenment. Best of luck embrace the fear and push through it and then share what you learn maybe tap the Akashic Libraries!

This also makes sense.. I'm someone who tends to shy away from finality. I'm not necessarily afraid of change but I certainly go out of my way to not be 'finished' with anything. The only problem here is I don't feel I've really even started and I can't grasp why I am so afraid to.


reply to post by minkykeka


I thank you for your reply and it's comforting to know you can relate. I hope maybe you can get some answers here as well.

You sound like a young teenager - no offence intended. One of the hallmarks of being young is feeling you are 'special' or marked out in some way. As well as being fairly self obsessed! Trying to get rid of 'self' is an uphill battle at that age. Also it is quite commion for 'youngsters' to be interested in these things. Relax - stop pushing so hard. Try focussing on the needs of others rather than your personal development. This in itself will bring you at least halfway to where you want to be. Good luck.

Originally posted by starchild10
You sound like a young teenager - no offence intended. One of the hallmarks of being young is feeling you are 'special' or marked out in some way. As well as being fairly self obsessed! Also it is more common that you think to be interested in these things at an early age - which is commendable but you are trying to run before you can walk. Relax - these things tend to come when we are not pushing so hard. I think you should go get some life experience. Also try focussing on the needs of others and not your personal development. This in itself will bring you at least halfway to where you want to be. You can't hurry these things. Good luck.

Hahaha, no, not a young teenager, I am quite young though [24], and no offense taken. This is one area in my life where I do feel very young. I don't in any way think I'm any more 'special' than anyone else - of course everyone has a story, and this is a part of mine I feel I need to share to get some insight. While I do believe it's important to help others in need, what good are you to others when you yourself are feeling lost? I do what I can but this one section of my life - the fear of being better, for whatever reason - is holding me back I feel. Thank you for your advice about not rushing things, I sometimes though feel I've been doing the opposite.

Originally posted by el1jah
its true, you are not alone. I suffer from this also and I am sure many others do too. I for a long time was just very focussed on the act of meditation and the feelings/experiences that manifest, but then one day it all got way to real, and I fall away from the concentration before I actually go through the door simply because of plain fear, I usually have an instinctual feeling of fear of seperation from the body, or feeling like I am in a different setting and being unable to control the fear that I am not "me" fall away. Sometimes the fear of contact with other things. Basically anything that doesnt make 'sense' can pull me away instantly from an otherwise very ripe meditation.

I relate to that. Anything that I can't make sense of will pull me away instantly. I think perhaps this goes back to what CosmicEgg was saying about having faith. I'm afraid of experiencing something that I can't explain or over-analyze.

In overcoming you fear it helps to come to terms with your mortality, it is going to happen one day. On the brain chemistry level there is a large release of adrenalin into the body which causes it to rev up and snaps you out of your state. Keep your breathing deep and slow or else all the extra oxygen you breath will react with the adrenalin and further enhance this fear. It is possible to counteract the natural fear response through will power, but you do need to be prepared for it, understand it and work through it.

reply to post by Cinquain


Enlightenment has saved me, at times, if I was in the unenlightened state, I would be in a state of primal panic, nautiousness, and even convulsions.

Maybe what i say can be a bit something for you.
Fear come from mind with lots of reason. Normally fear feels more than reality. First you must try to know really close what your fear is and what your basic fear is.

And try to accept the way you are, your conditions, who you are, even things or people around you with their own characteristic and situation.
Then try to be sincere to yourself, not only accept all of that but to be grateful of all of that, even all bad things. For this you must do things with your best. So whatever the result in everything in your life, you will accept it, hold it and be grateful with it, even if you can turn the time back, you will do exactly what you have done, with no regret.

Meditation supposed to be not emptying the mind, but emptying desire, passions, and the fear with a brave heart. Emptying imagination also so the heart and feeling will be more sensitive and dominant.
When you can be like that, you will truly accept yourself and sincere with everything about you and related to you.
Fear just in mind when you already willing to accept all the risk before you can think what the risk is.

Peace.

reply to post by Cinquain


Like I said before man I would think the journey is just beginning for you (I only wish I was there) embrace the fear because it is not a bad thing it is your body telling you that you are going to experience a change (no physical of course at least I wouldn't think so) and change of any kind is hard especially a spiritual change. Think of the fear as your body adjusting to the differences and nothing more. Again best of luck I hope you find what you are seeking.

I hope that my comment does not seem too simplistic.

When I meditate, I really enjoy the point of stillness; where you mind is completly blank and no thoughts are coming in. At that point there is also a need to have a grip onto something which is at the core of your being and to hold on to it. For some it is an uncomfortable territory.

In my view it is not enough to allocate a certain time of day for meditation , etc. The practice of connecting to the Self should be carried many times during the day - at work, at play , at home or outdoors (even if for a few seconds). Then you should find the fear element will gradually disappear when you sit down for a proper meditation.

It is worth remembering that meditation is meant to liberate you.

Originally posted by crowdedskies
I hope that my comment does not seem too simplistic.

When I meditate, I really enjoy the point of stillness; where you mind is completly blank and no thoughts are coming in. At that point there is also a need to have a grip onto something which is at the core of your being and to hold on to it. For some it is an uncomfortable territory.

In my view it is not enough to allocate a certain time of day for meditation , etc. The practice of connecting to the Self should be carried many times during the day - at work, at play , at home or outdoors (even if for a few seconds). Then you should find the fear element will gradually disappear when you sit down for a proper meditation.

It is worth remembering that meditation is meant to liberate you.

Not at all too simplistic! Thank you for replying. Basically, there are many times throughout my day where I am alone and able to still my mind. It doesn't matter what I'm doing - whether I'm walking down the street or doing chores - my head will be empty and I'll just kind of be plugging along. Literally there is not a thought going through my mind and typically I'm in a state of absolute calm. The problem is when I do actually sit down and intend to stop my mind from all the chatter, when I can feel my body relaxing and I'm getting deeper into a meditative state, that's when the fear seeps in.

Originally posted by ParanoidAmerican
reply to post by Cinquain

 

Like I said before man I would think the journey is just beginning for you (I only wish I was there) embrace the fear because it is not a bad thing it is your body telling you that you are going to experience a change (no physical of course at least I wouldn't think so) and change of any kind is hard especially a spiritual change. Think of the fear as your body adjusting to the differences and nothing more. Again best of luck I hope you find what you are seeking.

edit on 10-7-2011 by ParanoidAmerican because: (no reason given)

Which brings me to this. Thank you for your additions to my thread, you've been a big help. I've been told by a few close friends who are fairly experienced with meditation that I need to embrace the fear. This is the thing I find most difficult to do but having heard it so many times now maybe it's the only thing I can do. The way you put it though really helped to ease my mind and I appreciate that. To be honest I've never really given a good attempt at pushing through my fear, or accepting and embracing it. I've always thought that if the fear gets too much, maybe I should stop as I may be doing something wrong for me - I thought meditation was supposed to be peaceful, not something that would bring me to the verge of a panic attack

Thank you!

Originally posted by Cinquain


Not at all too simplistic! Thank you for replying. Basically, there are many times throughout my day where I am alone and able to still my mind. It doesn't matter what I'm doing - whether I'm walking down the street or doing chores - my head will be empty and I'll just kind of be plugging along. Literally there is not a thought going through my mind and typically I'm in a state of absolute calm. The problem is when I do actually sit down and intend to stop my mind from all the chatter, when I can feel my body relaxing and I'm getting deeper into a meditative state, that's when the fear seeps in.

In that case it appears to be the fear of the unknown, as you recognise that the body is responding and the mind lifting to a higher realm. Also a fear of the silver cord snapping.

Unfortunately, we have all been influenced by ghost stories, tales of demons, etc. As a child , I was afraid to even go the the other end of the house at night alone. All thanks to my grand-parents' vivid tales of the unknown. As for the silver cord breaking, this was my initial fear.

Over time all worries disapeared. I now sleep better in absolute darkness. As for the silver cord thing, the body-mind connection is very strong. At worst you will get a sudden pull back, but that would only happen if you were doing some advanced mental/astral travel - not meditation.

I think that you are not alone; you are just being honest. You also have the capability of serious meditation. If you didn't , you would not encounter the fear.

Meditation and indeed any occult or spiritual work, need to be counter-balanced by a stable material life. You need to be properly earthed (eg career, active life, etc). If you are, then no problem to conquer the fear.

reply to post by Cinquain


No problem you are approaching something I hope to also achieve one day. This helps me as well in understand what I myself may experience.

reply to post by Cinquain


I do not read fear, but certainly the desire to become, to achieve, to experience, so your a man with a direction.
Now that direction is either truth or false, what do you think to gain?
Truth is in conflict with the false, if the false becomes truth, the truth becomes false

Hi there,

The experience described by Cinquain sounds very familiar to me. Like the poster of the experience, i too had a feeling since i was young, from what i remember around ten years old, that something big was going to happen in the future and that i had to play a part in it. Like the poster i too started reading any spiritual book that i could lay my hand on from the age of around 10 (i'm 44 now). And everything I was reading sounded familiar to me, if I already knew it. I started to have out of body experiences, had experiences with ufo's and every night i heard footsteps in front of my bed door (nobody was there) and sometimes i heard people talking about me while in bed, i was scarred and had the blankets pulled over me in bed because i was freaking out. For instance i heard two male voices talking about me while i was laying in bed (couldn't see them but felt them) and they were talking about my energy and that i had to much. After that i felt a huge energy discharge and felt completely relaxed. So basically it were not negative experiences, i just freaked out.

Anyway the experiences stopped when i was around 12/13 years old. My parents joined a church then and i was told that what i was reading and experiencing was from the devil. So from that time onwards i did everything hidden and didn't talk about it anymore.

When i was around 20 years old, i started to have cramps in my whole body, it was around the same age when i started to get back into my spirituality (reading about it) and left that church. But when i tried to meditate or trying to go into an altered state, i totally panicked, afraid of something. The more i tried the more i cramped up. I tried to get answers from mediums and healers about what was happening to me. The answers they were giving me was that I was tortured many times in past lives for my abilities. They told me I’m very psychic but to afraid of it. The only way to solve it according to them was to have trust and go through my life experiences.

Like the others here I too had many dreams and still have about fighting against spirits in my dreams, it always has the same scenario, I’m inside a house or building and feel there are spirits there and feel terrible afraid. Sometimes I confront them and recently I start to conquer them in my dream. Maybe the house or building is a representation of my own being and the spirits I’m afraid of is my own spiritual being or soul. I always wake up completely drained after those dreams, but feel it’s part of healing my fears. So yes I feel too, that part of the solution is to have totally trust, but also going through your own life experiences, because it’s your own life experiences that makes you confront your own demons or fears.


I know it’s all there, I feel there is a lot of information or knowledge in me but can’t seem to access it. At the same time I’m going through a lot of personal problems, it’s like a roller coaster ride for me, # keeps coming up for me, and it’s changing me. It feels like all the hurt and pain is coming out, and this is going on for more then 20 years now. But recently I’m starting to feel a shift in me, I’m getting more accepting to my experience, starting to feel more peace etc.


Maybe the people that experiencing those things are being made ready for something. Maybe you all had painfull experiences in other life times (I don’t believe in consecutive past lives, I feel it’s more complicated like that, like if your soul is very big octopus and each of it’s tentacles is one of it’s earth experiences and all those tentacles are in many time periods at once) And now you all dealing with your hurt so you can be ready for what’s coming. Yes I know about the financial meltdown, but feel something even bigger is going to happen, something that will change us to the core.

reply to post by erick1967


Thank you for your reply! I'm glad that you were able to relate - I've had a few people U2U me actually since I've started the thread, and it's nice to be in touch with those who are going down a similar path.

The house thing you mentioned - houses and buildings are symbolic of ourselves, so that does make sense, if you feel you're battling something that it would manifest itself to you in a dream about a house with spirits in it.

I went through the same thing with my family as far as religion goes - my mother was very wary of me for some time after she found I was exploring spirituality/meditation, other religions, things like that. She explained to me that it was wrong, so I hid it, but that was the extent of it. Now, years later, she's become very curious and more open-minded. She comes to me all the time with questions and wants to learn as much as she can and we have many conversations about the things I've learned over the years.

Whatever it is we're all going through, I can't help but feel excited. Though I've still put off trying to meditate again I wish you luck on your journey!