This petition is a joke. It's a humorous piece of writing designed to create conversation between two allied countries. We like sarcasm and fun
To the citizens of the United States of America: in the light of your failure to competently govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up ‘aluminium’ and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter U will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.
Learn that ‘yoghurt’ has the letter H in it.
You will end your love affair with the letter Z (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix
You will learn that the suffix ‘-burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’. Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as ‘uh’, ‘like’, and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up ‘interspersed’.
There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When
you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as ‘US English’. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ‘-ize’.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
Whilst we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is ‘Devon’ If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
British sit-coms such as ‘Men Behaving Badly’ or ‘Red Dwarf’ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, ‘God Save The Queen’, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American ‘football’. There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper
football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American ‘football’ is
not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays ‘American footballl'. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
You will cease calling football ‘soccer’.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to ‘American football’, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called ‘rounders’, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will convert
to metric measurements with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. They aren't even French: they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called ‘crisps’. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts: this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling ‘beer’ is not actually beer at all: it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as ‘beer’, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘lager’. The substances formerly
known as ‘American beer’ will henceforth be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’ with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as ‘Weak Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years
in the Czech Republic; the existence of which 97.85% of you are unaware of) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or ‘gasoline’ as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $10/US gallon – get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
(borrowed from facebook , )
but really felt the need to share it for those who have not seen it . i hope you all get a good laugh from it like i did . enjoy.
6/7/11 by alysha.angel because: (no reason given)