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Through the Eye's of a Killer

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posted on Mar, 10 2011 @ 03:56 AM
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     I stand here confused with a bloody knife in one hand and what appears to be a human heart in the other. I can feel the blood, so thick, still warm, oozing between my fingers. If I'm not mistaken, I can almost still make out the faint throbbing of its final attempts to beat.

As my eyes scan the room I do my best to force down today's lunch of spaghetti and meatballs, oh the irony. Bodies lay all around me, two of which are at my feet. Their faces left with an expression of such horror that you can almost hear their last thoughts as if they were screaming them out loud. Their organs are exposed, bones snapped clean in half and protruding from their bruised flesh. The walls are thick and still dripping with a mixed layer of blood, torn flesh, and other undistinguishable various extremities.  

Then I see it, my eyes lock steadily on the most horrific site in the room - my reflection, in a blood stained mirror.  The unmistakable shade of red that can only be blood dripping from the corners of my mouth. My eyes appear to be glowing, with pupils dilated to the size of the buttons on my once white, oxford shirt. I can still see what appears to be a look of absolute glee expressed on my face and what's strange, is that actually matches how I feel to a tee. I feel proud, in awe of my magnificence, my immense strength and agility.

Yet I still can't actually remember anything that happened.  I give myself a once over and appear not to have a single scratch anywhere on my body.
edit on 10-3-2011 by sparda4355 because: (no reason given)




posted on Apr, 16 2011 @ 11:22 PM
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Umm.. a little too graphically violent for my taste - at least for an opening passage.

Profound mental imagery like this is best served up after a significant lead-in, several pages, or even chapters, that set the scene, introduce the character(s), seek to get the reader emotionally engaged, etc.

The writing itself is ok, though some may find the style confusing - especially as the first few paragraphs.

My advice would be to grab the readers attention and build the suspense a bit before laying on the bloody, beating heart in my hand stuff.

But that's just me. Others may have their own views which are completely different - that's fine.

Keep writing, though... Develop your skills...

Good luck...



posted on Apr, 16 2011 @ 11:44 PM
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reply to post by Outrageo
 


Wow, thank you very much for the feedback... I truly appreciate that.


I was going for the old "cut to the chase" ideology, but I completely see your point. You might like this approach if I explained the way the book was about to go, but I don't want to give away too much.


But I will consider changing this scene's placement?

Although the gruesomeness is a must lol
just might not be your cup of tea when it's complete, althoug I'd love it if you read it when it is...





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