posted on Feb, 9 2011 @ 09:02 AM
How pathetic am I?
It's lunch break and here I'm sitting, still behind my desk, writing to myself. Unlike my colleagues I have nothing better to do then to ponder
thoughts on paper, as it usual goes.
It wasn't until 4 years ago that I realized that not much had happened during my 30 year long life. It wasn't until then that a lot of people I
cared about started dying. Suicide, cancer, old age,car accidents. It wasn't until then that I became extremely aware of my own mortality, aware of
the possibility that I to will die someday and leave loved ones behind. My old life was rather boring. I think I loved boring the most of all. 4 Years
ago, my life became drama, a soap opera that tells the same old story, reality TV at it's worst, a show that no one would want to watch because it
reminds them to much about their own life.
My world used to be one where there was room for fantasy in between the small borders of reality I loved that fantasy world. How did I loose that
capability to dream beyond what is possible? I used to be self confident about who I was and it seems like another lifetime when I was still the
center of my own universe where nothing was unthinkable.
When I was 15 years old, barely into a late puberty, I was convinced that the boy I had a crush on was a vampire, I thought I could see it in his
eyes. The strangeness, there was something unusual about this boy that I could sense in the air when I was around him. He was the subject of many of
my dark vampire fantasies. However, he acted as if I didn't exist. I figured that he must thought I was to young to become like him and not ready for
such an extreme change. I was convinced that he was waiting until my 16th birthday to tell me all about the secret underground vampire society. In the
movies, 16 is a magical age so maybe it was just like that in reality as well. The next year went by to slow and he was all I could think about, he
and what I thought he was. The closer my birthday came the more I felt I had to prepare myself so one day I sucked the blood out of a raw steak and
got really sick. My mother got so angry when she learned what I did that I wasn't allowed near the fridge for a week. It was around that time that I
told my best friend about my fascination with vamps and she just loved it. Only a few weeks later it was obvious that I had sucked her into my fantasy
world and one day we both tasted the liquid metal flavor of each others blood. Maybe I expected something from that and although we both felt pretty
special for having that experience, it turned out to be meaningless and the longing for my vampire crush continued.
On my 16th birthday party he didn't show up, it was the worst party of my life. After that I didn't see him around for a while, later I learned that
he was placed in a juvenile detention center for a couple of months but I never knew why. My best friend disappeared from the scene soon after, maybe
she was shocked by her own behavior, or maybe it was my strangeness.
My dreaming and fantasies however went on and every day for a couple of hours I escaped into my own little private world of vampires and mystical
creatures in which all of my teenage crushes appeared, one after the other I made them something more then what they where. It went on for two more
years, I had been wrong about the age, this time I was convinced that it was going to happen on my 18th birthday. Either 18 or 21 and I was prepared
to wait that long.
At age 17, one of my crushes turned into a long term relationship and I learned that he was not a vampire, but instead a lazy, drinking, cheating
bastard that wasn't even worthy of my, in the mean time exotic, fantasy about him. I left him at age 21, or, he kicked me out of the house for some
ordinary girl he met two days before in a bar.
The vampires never came and their world inside my head fainted until finally it was gone for good.
Then things became simple, to simple and to ordinary. For a while I found an escape from every day life in the creative arts but that never got me
anything, not even appreciation or acknowledgement.
I did try my best, got a good job, saved some money and started a family. But there was always the feeling that something was missing.
I wish I could go back to the time I felt like something was missing, because where I stand now, they are all missing for real, a lot of those I care
about have died meaningless deaths. If there is one thing I have never been able to explain, it's exactly that.
Give me a meaningless life, like it was before, I would find a way to cope with that, but not a meaningless death... not death at all, no death at
all. I should have had no loved ones at all so I wouldn't have to say goodbye at all. But all that, that I got, the ordinary life that finally shows
itself to be the nasty hypocrite it is, that finally shows the grieve it can cause and turns the suffering it brings to an extreme.
Life used to be so simply immature, so playful and so bright, so innocent sweet and full of possibilities, even impossible possibilities, fantasies.
Not bad drama.
This lunch break is almost over already, in half an hour I have to meet with the new client I pulled in last week. A very intriguing man, nicely
dressed, always in a black suit. He even bows a little when he greets people, not much, just a small bow with the head. I don't think many people
notice that but he does it so elegant. A very interesting man, there is something about him, something in his eyes when he looks at you, as if he sees
right into your soul and steals all your secrets.............
Got to go now.