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Originally posted by Serizawa
Hey ATS it's been a while since i posted anything. For those of you that read my part 1 of this thread you already know exactly how I feel. Well the bad news is that things seem to be exactly the way they were when i first posted on this. More ups then downs and I'm really started to let go of everything slowly. I appreciate all the advice i received over the last couple of months but nothing seems to help. I'm suffering but do not want to cry out because i know nothing can save me from this feeling. I feel unappreciated, defenseless, a total failure that turns down every opportunity i get. I'm scared of the future but the past seems worse, What I'm I holding on for? What I'm i waiting for?..........I have no idea. A couple of years ago suicide was just a thought, Until i finally had enough and attempted it two weeks ago. They put me in the High dependency unit with poison control IV's in me for a week. I recall the nurses asking me why i did it....and if it was a cry for help. Was it? Well i don't exactly expect anyone to help me so the answer to that question was simple. I must admit when i lay there on the first night i felt kind of guilty and kept thinking about my younger brother and my girlfriend. Looking back at it now it seems like I was just being selfish. Every week now i got to go for blood tests to check my organs (painkiller overdose)...I'm not even bothered to go back. I'm don't even know what to expect posting this but the typical comments....."your crazy", "seek medical help", "go see a psychiatrist".......I just had to get this out.
Serizawa the beast.
Originally posted by Serizawa
If there's one thing I've realized my true enemies are the people supposed to be closest to me, my family. Siblings can never be the same and while some of us are trying to mend this broken family, Some are pushing for its demise. Never been close to my family and all i ever consider myself to have in this world is a good small brother who looks up to me and it really hurts me for him to see me suffer. He's only 12, He's been talking about killing himself since he was 7 or 8....I find this extremely odd at his age. It seems like he's living the same life i lived watching the same things happen to my bigger brother. I always sit him down and tell him to keep his head up and that i won't always be here, That soon he would have his own life. Once again I realize the problem is my dysfunctional family, filled with greed, hate, anger and jealousy. He can't help but cry every time we talk on the phone, But my parents keep him away from me...claiming that I'm brainwashing him and they tell him not to copy me. My father has cancer and always calls me a failure because i wouldn't chase the money, fame and power like everyone else. They do not realize that money is the least of my worries or priorities, I don't want the fame or the power either.....I do not want to work for the worlds largest organizations. I do not want to study at the worlds best educational institutions. My whole life has been filled with negativity and hate, My past is dark. The guilt follows me and my mother reminds me that if anything happens to my dad, I am the cause of it. I have no choice for now but to move on and no longer associate myself with this 'family' anymore. Would i be selfish for cutting out communication with my smaller brother? Possibly....Will this lead to more guilt? Absolutely. How can I save the world if i can no longer save myself?. I've lost every damn thing i ever had and tried to chose love instead...a feeling that i had never experienced before, A feeling that was more painful than anything i ever felt before. I can no longer love anymore.......Never again, So once my relationship with my girlfriend withers and dies....so does my heart. I do not want to grow old feeling like this, But I do not want to be selfish and hurt the people that really care about me.