What is going on these days, couples can’t seem to get along or live in relative harmony together, why?
Humbly, I will attempt to present why relationships and marriage are subjected to so much disconnect these days. In the dynamics of our times, many
people are choosing to end marriages and relationships, without much consideration. Also when I speak of “Relationships” I am referring to the
union or bound, that is formed between two people.
Going forward we will cover and discuss ideals, ideal mates, realities, and commitments. I will also answer questioned posed from my standpoint, but I
am looking forward to everyone’s personal wittiness, wisdom and input.
For the record, I am not trying to undermine anyone’s relationship, marriage, or beliefs, but just the opposite, this author’s objective is to
better understand why we choose our spouses, companions or life partners. Together we will look at relationships, commitments and marriages from the
outside in, and attempt to separate dogmas, cultural practices, ideals, and then see why we feel the need to be with another person or separate from
Relationships and marriage today seem to end many times for obvious reasons, small reasons, or unknown reasons, but there are those rare few that live
symbiotically with their partner. In today’s society we can agree it takes two to start a marriage or relationship, but only one may end it, now
please do not look at this statement as good or bad, but just an observation.
Since this is obviously a passionate topic I ask that we respect others opinions, wisdom and life experiences on this thread and stay on topic.
“Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.”
A thought provoking quote from the internet, but this quote holds so much truth.
We as people tend to hold an ideal person in our minds eye, whether they exist or not is completely a different story. The ideal person is just that,
“Ideal” or perfect in every way, it has taken us years to create this ideal person in our minds, then one day, across a crowded room, we spot that
someone that resonates with our ideals, and we immediately place those ideals, on this new person. How we create this ideal person, throughout our
lives, is based on cultural, educational, media, movies, TV, religious, financial, physical, emotional inputs.
So what does our ideal mate look like or act like?
In walks the new person, and it’s love at first sight. Most likely many of our physical ideals about this new person resonates with what we are
looking for because, let’s face it, physical aspects attract, that is a proven thing, well unless we are drunk. Once past the physical aspects of
this person, we, meaning this new person and ourselves, both start to project an image of what is expected of each other’s ideals, then idealistic
views and rituals flow.
Instead of being ourselves, we anticipate and sense what the other persons ideals maybe, so the idealistic union starts to take shape, love and
endorphins starts to flow. Hurray! We are in Love.
The reality of the new relationship is that it is based mostly on ideals the couple has imposed on each other, and less to do with the realities of
life, so after the honeymoon phase, or period of time the realities of life set in, we start to have conflicts, not with the other person, but our
ideals. Some can weather the storms and live together in relative harmony, but many people start to battle. Yikes!
Blame the Ideals and/or the other person?
Now, this person we thought was our soulmate begins to appear a lot different from our ideal person; we start to question ourselves and then the other
person. Little pet peeves pop up from time to time; they (this new person) or now the person we thought we knew, does not act or react the way we
expected. Before we start the blame game, maybe we can change this other person to our idealistic person, then if that doesn’t work, time to start
placing blame and finding faults, in the other person. Our protector, the ego kicks in to overdrive and says “We can change this person”, then if
that fails finding faults will be easy.
For the married people the vows taken and given to each other, for example: “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for
richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”, start to go out the window, and are replaced with building barriers,
stonewalling, imposed ideals and intolerance. And for couples not married it’s minus the religious vows, legal paperwork, but the same protocol.
It’s not me, it’s them.
People start to get angry, frustrated, and intolerant of each other, pointing fingers at the other person, demeaning comments flow, physical abuse
(Very Bad), venting frustrations, or maybe the opposite holding it in, stonewalling or avoiding (passive-aggressive), but all the while, not truly
understanding that they are upset with themselves mostly. Subconsciously personal idealistic mindsets are not being met and our ego’s will tell us
this over and over, “it’s not me, it’s them”.
Ships passing in the night, I don’t care anymore and the excuse mindset set develops.
People will use their work, kids, and other activities to avoid their significant other sometimes they will actively or passively do this, but what
happens is they start to lose themselves and at the same time the other person. The ideals and envisioned life they chose appears to crumble apart.
Now it’s who plays the victim role? And what is funny about this particular role, well not really funny, but interesting is both parties may play
this role, once it gets into the downward spiral people may start to come up with every, or any excuse why not to be together, instead of why they
should be together and why it’s the other persons fault. Sometimes one party believes in the relationship, but the other just wants out and looks
for everything they can to get out.
Let’s face it who wants to truly admit they choose or committed to the wrong partner?
Not me, said my ego to me. Could I have been so wrong, or so blind? The victim mentality will set in, instead of saying to ourselves, “I choose this
relationship and I will accept all the repercussions”. A person that is well grounded or not in a chaotic relationship may admit they made the
choice, but that is not easily done if someone is in a vulnerable or chaotic state.
How many people can actually make a sound choice when things appear chaotic?
I personally think it’s important to seek immediate outside help if the person/couple find themselves using physical aggression against the other.
Also there are others people that will keep it all in, this is also not good, and these are the people that slip through the radar because everything
is internalized, until it all explodes one day and then it’s most likely to late.
Professional help is a great way to help understand ourselves and the other person, without biased opinions, or another great one is support groups
with an experienced and qualified leader, because “However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is
the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside. -- Deepak Chopra.”
Why do we need to commit to another person?
The reason we should ask this is, because if we are truly committed to another individual, why do we need a legal document to say we are bond, or why
do we need a religious rite to say we are now bound together for life?
Are we that insecure about losing the other person, if we bind them with paper and a ceremony will it make them stay put?
“If you truly love me you’ll marry me.”
Making the “Big Commitment” to another person is how we have been indoctrinated, it’s what we have seen and heard most of our lives, and had
re-enforce daily in our lives, on TV, in movies, in churches and everywhere we turn.
A Union with God, and with each other, isn’t it against most religious beliefs to end a marriage, or are there loopholes and interpretations to get
I will not post examples since this may cause a bias in one religion and that is not my purpose here, but what I will post why religion and logic seem
to conflict many times and why it is very difficult to argue against. Religious defenses and arguments many times end up pointing back to other
religious quotes, text, or documents, thus creating circular argumentation, which in a logical world is invalid.
1) From the religious/spiritual standpoint it will be purely argued from metaphysical perspective, and sometimes pointing to religious text, but in
the end it points to a union with a Supreme Being or higher metaphysical force that we cannot see. So basically faith based, and faith cannot be
argued with logic, it just is that “Faith”.
2) Then there is a purely logical, practical, pragmatic stance void of any religious dogma’s.
hmm, but marriages are intertwined both legally, families and religiously, thus promoting many issues.
“We are not just marrying the person, but their whole family” “And God”, if we believe in religious dogmas.
When we marry someone or even commit to them, we are going to marry everyone in their family, yes whether we want to believe it or not, that’s the
Real Truth. We are going to interact with their family, and the other person will fall back on their family roots in good times and in bad. This
extend marriage can be a wonderful thing, as long as everyone gets along, but if we have trouble makers in the mix, it is fuel for any fires that may
arise. And if they are religious, look out, now “God” is involved too, or at least the interpretations of what “God” thinks.
Some will argue that they do not possess the other person, which may be true in some cases, but how many have been married legally or religiously
without a “Marriage Licenses” or religious rite?
“Black's Law Dictionary defines "license" as, "The permission by competent authority to do an act which without such permission [...] would be
illegal. The authority to license implies the power to prohibit. A license by definition "confers a privilege" to do something. By allowing the state
to exercise control over marriage, it is implied that we do not have a right to marry; marriage is a privilege. Those born in the US receive a birth
certificate, not a birth license."
The toxic word “Divorce”
Not many need a definition for divorce the stats speak for themselves, today are as high as 65% to 75% divorce rates in many parts of the world, then
we have the 35% to 25% that are still married, of which how many are living together in peace and harmony, most likely a small percentage live
symbiotically and actually learn to work out issue with their mate.
Did any of you know that Divorce is a law suit against the other party? Well it is, because the other party is suing for divorce and dissolution of
the union of marriage. And whether or not both people agree, divorce will happen; hmmm that is not what it took to get married. How many people were
needed to form the union again? lol.
Break-ups, separations, parting or ways, should it be considered a bad thing or a good thing?
Our egos and what society has instilled in us can make a separation of partners look like a failure, but many times it can be a good thing for
personal and spiritual growth. What would happen if we choose to stay in the same classroom or grade all or our lives? Stagnation perhaps, the overall
feeling of being trapped or maybe getting to comfortable and taking things for granted.
In conclusion, there are many loving relationships in the world today, and most of us know this because we have experienced them either firsthand or
through being around couples that are loving, stable, and committed to the other each other. It appears that many people these days maybe taking their
ideals too far and imposing them on others, instead of understanding the realities of a union between two people, which choose to devote their time to
each other, without possessing them.
I think we need to accept and love people for who they are, because ultimately the only person we can change is ourselves, and most of us already know
how hard that is. Hurting someone is an easy thing to do, but dedicating yourself to a person/family, and loving them through thick and thin take time
I would love to hear people’s inputs, remember your opinions are neither right nor wrong here, just different.
Peace out RT.
edit on 17-12-2010 by Realtruth because: (no reason given)
edit on 21-12-2010 by Skyfloating because: Typo removed by