posted on Jun, 26 2010 @ 12:52 PM
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from “Quite miffed" to
"Rather peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to " One is Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
However Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out and they had to drink Starbucks. Terrorists
have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during
the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level
of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "SHOUT LOUDLEY AND EXCITEDLY" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
In response to this Scotland have increased their threat level from “let’s have a pint” to “och aye lets hay a pint n a pie”. Soon however
ever if the situation continues it may reach the “let’s all get drunk, fight with each other and spend a night in hospital after a heart attack”
threat level, this happens most weekends in Glasgow.
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have three higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" followed by “start a world
war” and finally, "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. This however is irrelevant as Belgium has only one threat level “neutral”
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Canada does not have threat levels, they just ask America.
Americans therefore are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And on the southern hemisphere...
....... And on the rest of the northern hemisphere
Due to the increased threat Russia is raising its threat level to “more vodka” and Emperor Putin has not ruled out going higher to “yet more
vodka”. If this vodka level continues to increase Russia may have no choice but to invoke commie—kazie attacks to kill and conquer all of its
Israel has responded to a “Palestinian stone thronging contest” by launching a full scale war against all of its neighbours, this may last for
about 6 days. The rest of the middle east is planning on starting a facebook group telling the rest of the world how unhappy they are with Israel.
North Korea likes this and Syria and Iran are now friends.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of
spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of
escalation, which is "#, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a
strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbecue this weekend" and "The barbecue is cancelled".
NOTE: There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
The UN on the other hand is adhering to UN protocol and will wait until the threat has passed then they will decide on the threat level and some years
later they will act on it