Secretary Nightmare

My secretary drives me absolutely nuts. My bosses hired her before I came on, and so I have no authority over her; yet I am held responsible. Here are some classic 'blonde moments':

I have an important meeting this morning in the nearby metropolis, and tell her so as I leave work yesterday. I mention that I'll have to get up extra early and drive to my meeting, instead of coming to the office. So she PHONES MY HOUSE BEFORE DAWN and awakens my baby & sleeping wife with a list of inane questions for me. When I ask her which of the questions cannot wait until tomorrow, she answers "none, I guess." !!!!!!!

She drones on about all of her family . . . her damn unemployable adult son, his children by various short-term marriages, her "sensitive" younger son the aspiring actor, her insane sister, etc. It makes me weep. Hell, I don't want to hear about her fetid little life, much less her whole damn family! Why do I care if the Clampits got running water Last week!!!!!!

She cannot remember the names of important business contacts, and DOESN'T WRITE THEM DOWN OR ASK FOR SPELLING. She left me a note today that "EASOM GOWNY" phoned. The name turned out to be "Ethan Towny."

I also have problems with office rivals entering my office and going through the crap on my desk. She continually leaves sensitive phone messages lying face up on my desk; or worse, on her own desk, which is out in a public area.

Her Idea of filing documents is to open a drawer and cram one more piece of paper into it, often using an extra folder to 'shoehorn' one final piece of crap into the poor overstuffed cabinet. No. Really.

I asked her what she had done with the spare keys to my desk. Did she file them under "D" for desk? Or perhaps under "K" for Keys? No way in Hell: she put them in "H" for the Hardware store where she had the copies made. Honest.

We generate a similar set of documents and files from one week to the next. She never saves the documents under the same format twice. This week it will be saved as "Monthly_report_06_04." Next week, it'll be as "June Reports-Weekly."

She called the copier repair guy 'cause the copier was "broken." As in out of paper.

Until I took away her corporate credit card for "Office Uberstore," She would make a weekly trip to their warehouse that you couldn't drive across with a 5 wood, in order to "pick up a few things." Now that she can no longer purchase stuff in the company name, office expense is down almost $70 per week.

Once, I took a walk with a colleague into another part of the building so we could have privacy. After 8 minutes, we came back around the corner to her desk, I heard her telling one of my bosses, "Where did Dr. Strangecraft go? I have no idea. He hasn't been around in a while, I guess." And the FBI wonders why people go postal.

She she used to give out my home phone to salesmen. She only quit when I told them to call her at home instead.

We have access to a high volume folder, for making brochures. One week I pointed out that the machine was not folding the brochures properly, it was leaving a quarter inch overhang on one fold, making the brochures so they wouldn't lie flat. For several weeks, they looked perfect. Then I saw her time sheet. OMG--she'd started folding them by hand! While the folder sat idly in the hallway!

I work in a convoluted corporate structure with multiple "Junior V.P.'s" who all suck up whichever "Senior VP" is winning their Byzantine Ego-chess-tournament this particular week. No one will initiate action to fire her. They are all afraid of what the board will say. And she is distantly connected. A few of them actively encourage her, hoping I will can her in a fit of rage, and bring down the board's wrath on my own head. talk about your sacred cows.

Just typing this makes me ask why the hell I even go in to work every morning. It's like the first 3 minutes of "Brazil"

Trick: Move her ass to an empty room with one chair. that's it.

Do your own filing and phone answering. She's costing you time and effort you don't have.

Give her her own office away from the public areas and change her job title to 'Assistant to Dr Strangecraft'. That may make her feel more important and maybe she won't spout so much #e to others.
Alternatively you could always take up ktprktprs idea.