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The complete military history of France

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posted on Feb, 12 2003 @ 03:52 PM
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Question: Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
Germans don't like to march in the sun.

posted on Feb, 12 2003 @ 06:30 PM
u missed the 7 yrs war 1756-1763 and the indochina war

posted on Feb, 12 2003 @ 08:53 PM
they come last in every european poll since polls started on the use of soap as well

posted on Feb, 12 2003 @ 09:10 PM

Sorry, but I don't see your point. Is this whole thread useful in some way?

...other than pissing on Frenchs, I mean. You forgot conveniently about Normand conquests of Britain but it doesn't matter, I don't see your whole point.

[Edited on 2003-2-13 by MakodFilu]

posted on Feb, 12 2003 @ 09:26 PM
Just look at the kind of websites were that text is roaming... =&lr=&as_ft=i&as_filetype=&as_qdr=all&as_occt=any&as_dt=i&as_sitesearch=&safe=off

posted on Feb, 13 2003 @ 03:59 PM
The Normans werent French they were decended from Vikings so that doesnt count!!!!

Heared the US just intercepted an arms shipment from France to Iraq.............A whole cargo ship full of white flags!!!!!!!!

posted on Feb, 16 2003 @ 01:03 AM

Originally posted by GRENADIER
The Normans werent French they were decended from Vikings so that doesnt count!!!!

Ok, then you are German, as Britanish were almost exterminated by the Saxons (of German origin).

posted on Feb, 16 2003 @ 04:32 PM
to a certain extent i blame WW2 on the french
when hitler retook the rhine he sent 3 battlions the french had 10 divisions along the german border they could have easily beaten the german force and gone into germany to put it into perspective a division has 8-11 battlions(infantry) so
10x9(lets say) is ummmm 90 battlions

90 against 8 you do the math

posted on Feb, 16 2003 @ 05:09 PM
But consider that its 90 battalions of French against 8 of Germans.... The German forces would likely have just considered this action to be a "target rich practice event".

posted on Feb, 16 2003 @ 06:50 PM
ya to the germans but to others it's enforcing versailles hitler himself admitted that if the french took military action the reich wud fall

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