posted on Jul, 30 2009 @ 10:02 PM
I experience some degree of uncertainty on this issue.
I perceive my ego as a distinct thing. I perceive my heart as a distinct thing. I perceive my body as something I'm using. A tool. But I can also
perceive my ego as a tool that I am using. My heart...I dislike the idea of my heart being a temporary tool. I like it too much to be very
comfortable with the idea of simply swapping it out for another, though my ego is well aware that this is possible.
Who is the "I" who is saying these things? Well, the ego has a lot to do with it. But I am aware of an observer experiencing these things, this
body, this ego, this heart. Am "I" the observer? well...maybe. I'm not certain. I can occassionally identify with the observer, just as I can
identify with the ego, and sometimes I can identify with the heart.
My intellect tells me that "I" am everything that exists in the universe, and that I am identifiying with observers, hearts and egos interchangably.
Is this "intellect" of which I speak the same as the "ego?" There's some uncertainty here, but the observer doesn't appear to have access to be
able to say for sure, and my ego is aware that "I as everything" is a terribly convenient answer. It perceives this as the best of all possible
worlds, and recommends further examination before beliving with complete faith and certainty an answer simply because we would like to be true.
Fear. I don't really like fear. Where does it come from? Some would say it is created by the ego. I'm not so sure. My ego appears mostly just to
want things to be pleasant. It is aware that it could be changed, and it is not unwilling to do so it if it would generate more pleasantness. My ego
works more to make fear go away than any other part of me. The observer simply observes it. The heart experiences it, and the ego really wishes the
heart didn't have to because of all the varies "i"s the ego perceives the heart as the most beautiful and wonderful, and certainly the most
deserving of being free of fear. And yet...I'm not certain what my hearts perception of the fear is. It's difficult to identify with my heart when
it experiences fear. This makes my ego wonder if the fact of non-identifcation with the heart is what fear is. Ego is unsure.
I don't perceive my ego as an enemy. More as a tool to create an experience. And yet, my ego is aware of this, generally ok with it, but also aware
that it is sometimes not the ideal tool to create the sort of experiences we would like to have. To which my heart cries out "I love you! Please
don't feel inadequete. You are beautiful and I love you." To which my ego response "yes, and this is why I believe you are the most valuable and
deserving of all of us. You don't judge. You simply love unconditionally. The observer also does not judge, but it appears not to love. You love. The
observer simply observes, and finds this whole interplay between heart and ego interesting. And yet...isn't such a judgement as "interesting"
supposed to be a function of the ego, and not the observer? Is then, the observer identifying with the ego more than the ego is?"
And then I laugh, and really wish this whole thing could be sorted out.
Welcome to my internal dialogue. Thanks for listening.
[edit on 30-7-2009 by LordBucket]