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Poem really long :) tell me what you think.

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posted on Mar, 5 2009 @ 06:34 PM
This took about 1 year to write (that`s why high school went by in a flash)

Tell me what you think. Something about Angels Demons God etc. If you really belive in God it might offend, but i don`t really care. It`s just a story and should be treated as such.

I will add a chapter a day to keep you coming back. I didn`t manage to transcribe all of it yet. I might require advanced english or higher, not because of the grammar or words used, but because of the way phrases are formated.

It rimes if you can get into the rhythm.

Even souls die,
but tales are forever


`t seems you all consider God
to be nothing like a man,
you consider him so strong,
I wrote this to say you’re wrong.
As I know how the past was
and I wrote this just because,
i`ve once found an ancient legend
with an end that is just tragic.

"a world was once creating time
without beginning it was mine
with the souls it hid inside.

we were [all] even in our rights
with no rules and no fights."

the world was given to some souls
to control, break, love and hold.

they were all happy, but surprised
to hear about a souls demise
his name was ISA and he left
because his soul just pure hate kept.

there were souls of myth, of magic
of theft, of love, of night and tragic
and they didn’t have a need
for hate and demons to believe in.

Yet he wasn’t bad from birth,
he was innocence not dirt,
but how can one soul be special
without holding nothing precious.

because all that is pure evil
was hidden from them in a box
I recall its name 'Pandora'
but without it he was lost.

as innocence is nothing when
all do good and there’s no Hell.

he left, but swore that he’ll be back
they didn’t hear, not even that.

they since lived in pitch dark peace
ISA flew from space and wished.
he wasn’t like the rest of them
he went evil, almost mad.

how can i change the place where i created the thread, or delete it ?

[edit on 5-3-2009 by randel]

posted on Mar, 5 2009 @ 07:04 PM

Originally posted by randel
how can i change the place where i created the thread, or delete it ?

I think it's found a good home in Short Stories, randel.

Very nicely done, BTW, and I'm sure you'll get some interesting responses from the writers here.

posted on Mar, 5 2009 @ 07:09 PM
reply to post by masqua

Thank you

The problem is that the second to last chapter will be posted after i go home on Easter.

The chapter respect the order of the story but not of the actual writing, so stile will change randomly.

posted on Mar, 5 2009 @ 07:13 PM
It shouldn't be a problem, randel. If you like, I can help you arrange the future posts so that the poem will be in order once all the chapters are posted.

posted on Mar, 5 2009 @ 07:28 PM
reply to post by masqua

i`d really love that
. Sorry but right now it`s 3:24 at night and i will go to sleep. I`m looking forward to your help.

posted on Mar, 5 2009 @ 08:02 PM
Instead of telling you what's wrong with the poem (almost every conceivable element of poetry); I'll try to give you a few simple guidelines to work with. I hope you accept constructive criticism well.

Poetry is a synthesis of both prose and art. It's a hybrid, parented by a short story and art.

As a story, it must be coherent.
As an art, it must make one FEEL.

Poetry is the music of literature.

FEELING is the soul of poetry.

Poetry should touch a universal point we all share as humans, emotions. The reader needs to FEEL your 'passion' for the subject - and it matters not whether they agree with the message or not. Explicit message delivery is better suited to other forms of prose.

Whether a poem is short or long doesn't matter, if the FEELING part is accurately delivered.

Poetry can be free form or rhyming; but, from a prose perspective you should choose one or the other and not mix them. Futhermore, line meter count (syllables per line) and formatting ABAB etc. should be consistant if you choose the rhyming route.

I do hope you will continue to practice and with a deep desire and commitment to perfect the "artform"; you will succeed.

posted on Mar, 6 2009 @ 04:44 AM
reply to post by Trexter Ziam

This is the intro so it`s actually only written to help you understand thing that will come. There is a problem with the verses and rhymes. If i read it i can make is sound great and rhyme even is the words usually don`t. If you use the rhythm used by uk english speakers on it, it will make more sense.

Or just look at it as a story not poem written in verses.

As for ABAB and other formatting, I actually don`t agree with it, AABB is better when you have something to say, for emotions and metaphors it works great but you end up changing the story so that it rimes.

Still you are right it sound really bad, i`ll try to post something like a reading guide. It also helps if you read it the second time around it makes more sense. Next chapters will sound better because of dialogue, i hate describing stuff.

posted on Mar, 6 2009 @ 04:39 PM
reply to post by masqua

now would be a great time to help me with the posts

should i post the second chapter ? or send it to you ? i`m new at this

posted on Mar, 6 2009 @ 04:52 PM
Hey I like it so far, be glad to hear the rest of it as it comes.

Also you may have inspired me to post my latest as I was wondering whether to or not.

posted on Mar, 6 2009 @ 06:06 PM

the prophet of time told him once:
there is a place were creatures dance,
that they are strange and they are fast,
they were imprisoned by the past.

That there was one that left like him,
a guardian by his own will
his name was LIFE, he never lived
and his new name suited him
some took his name and wrote it back
and EVIL he became that’s that.

flying from their space and time,
were life and innocence combined
they were bought changed, their souls corrupted
in greed and power they united.

opening the gates of time
the name 'Pandora' comes in mind,
they found no weapons down inside
nothing dead, nothing alive

[and regret then filled their mind.]

and regret replaced their smile.

EVIL left after he’d seen
there was nothing there to win.

your GOD was then left alone
to search a prison for the soul
but nothing was hid in there,
just some crystals looking fair.

as where EVIL didn’t know
that the crystals held a soul
you GOD did, he didn’t part
like the one who was once guard.

but a puzzle the emerged
how to open something purged
in the fire of cold time
just a game for a pure mind

he was innocent, not bad
and then took one in his hand
thought a little, looked at it
he should never taste defeat

the small crystal opened wide
letting loose the soul inside

[and an angel then became
he was welcomed with dismay:]

"why are you so small and weak?
look at you, you make me sick!"

Angel after angel born
and your GOD just cursed and swore
until crystals were no more.

"where are the ones that I seek?
as I need to see and meet
the ones that havoc will reek"

then one angel stepped in front

"you do not deserve the luck
but you’ve freed us, you’re the master
seek the stones of alabaster"

alabaster was a stone
blue and water made it, born
didn’t shine, it was so strange
it was hidden or misplaced

yet a creature then emerged
with a sword in water forged
with 4 wings covered in feathers
and blue eyes and smile that lingered.

"I’ve found you, [my] warrior
now you’ll fight my little war
I have no need for you [small] angels
part before I tear your feathers."

[to be continued]
This is half of chapter 2, it just doesn`t fit... at least the last few verses. And it`s not even the longest chapter.

posted on Mar, 6 2009 @ 06:16 PM
reply to post by randel

Post everything in this thread however you are able and, once it's all posted, we'll sort it out into one coherent thread.

posted on Mar, 7 2009 @ 05:16 PM
all the angels left in joy
only to find in their way
EVIL cruising down the path

he was once one just like them
so they met, decided then
to be free, to be all friends

to be one against the man
and defeat this new false GOD
as he’s evil and he’s mad.

as GOD looked for more archangels
TYRAEL the first breed one
told him that they are not many
yet the angels will be ready
and archangels will become.

Stealing life from all the crystals
ISA decided to be
stronger, to become the master
of all that his eyes could see.

as more angels fled in sorrow
because their heart wanted peace
met again with Evils army
that just flew in harmony.

finally the prison empty
ISA realized in fear
from the angels he saw many
that had left and disappeared.

it was not what he expected
because angels hated him
there were just a few so faithful
others wanted now to leave.

GOD set off to teach a lesson
so that angels wouldn’t run
and he told his few archangels
to find EVIL, stop his run.

and his army without patience
caught the free one by surprise

[not caring that once were brothers
friends and creatures of the sort]

the free angels hit and scuttled
hit them back with all they could.

but as ISA used his magic
EVIL banished from the fight
angels ran after their leader
who was falling out of sight.

and the magic didn’t kill them
but just turned angels to ghosts,
some with wings, some didn’t even,

[look at angels, not at all.]
look like angels, but much worse.

[they survived but hid in danger
in the bottom of the Earth
it was a beautiful planet,
it was the one of the souls.]

as your GOD set off to chase them
to the planet where they hid
he saw from the sky above it
it was the world that damned him.

how he set again his army
one more time to slay a world
but the souls saw killers coming
and decided then to run.

they were all just made of magic
so they didn’t want to fight
but where could they run forever
and decided then to hide.

taking to the shy above them
mysticism and their mind
made a world between the heavens
and the hell they left behind.

after entering the portal
they just made it disappear
yet all souls that run from heavens
can and make it reappear.

posted on Mar, 14 2009 @ 09:32 PM

many souls running from Heaven
built a world called "Second Land"
it was something like God’s Eden,
only this one could be found.

[there, souls held all that is power]

In that place souls held all power,
but they didn’t like to fight
hating all that’s angel, demon
disappeared right out of sight.

the world that they built together
was so beautiful and bright
everybody loved its magic.
even you can love its night.

it had many stars above it
it was closer to the sky

[a land that must be eternal
a place where time doesn’t fly]

living a day in this land
lost many a life on man
as a second did appear
to last on Earth like an year.

many legends speak of it
in all cultured you do meet
a place where time seems to stop,
a land in which if you walk,
you can never go back home
for all that you loved is gone.

this is the promised land
both for angels and for man.

once an archangel called AIZ (demise)
wanted to run from the skies
yet the holly TYRAEL
went to find and defeat him.

AIZ was faster and he got
in the second land to walk

he saw the one sent for him
and he hoped that he could win...
even if he walked a while
it this land with distant time
TYRAEL waited for him
and just wouldn’t leave it seamed.

so what could the poor one think?
he decided in a blink
of an eye to leave the land
and to try to bring him back

but when he did there appear
TYRAEL hit with no fear
as what for AIZ were hours
started to drain Tyrell’s powers
because his time in the sky
was pure ages fore mankind.

so to be sure AIZ wouldn’t fly
TYRAEL cut off his eyes,
torn the feathers off his wings
crushed his body and his dreams.

but his vision did come back
his old feathers still did lack

and as GOD saw him in pain
knew that all would be in vain
because he just couldn’t fly
yet he was too strong to die.

so GOD called upon some angels
to take him to the new prisons
as he couldn’t AIZA free,
because of what he would be.

he was very strong and so
with the help of Evils power
he could grow just strong and sour
he could have dreams, he could feel
buy his wings could never heal.

and the thing that GOD feared most
was AIZ growing furious?
because that moment in time
would mean surely his demise.

The prisons were something strange,
just a puzzle, just a maze,
a tall labyrinth of stone,
only entered from above.

yet the souls just trapped inside
didn’t have this thing in mind
all of them now couldn’t fly
all of them just wondered by.

they hoped this maze had an end
through which they could part again
because almost all in there,
didn’t have something to fear.

GOD had promised to revive
to redeem their souls demised
when the final battle came
the day when with blood ’it’ll rain.

Sorry for the delay ....
also i need to explain something:
The poem was intended to be a part of a novel, as result some plot lines may be unsolved. At the end you will realize that some things may be missing. I don`t want to spoil your fun. (The 2 users that actually bothered to read it).

PS: you may find :
[] - the text in [] was replaced by the text above or is not to be read
B - added later to explain events that were in the novel and not the poem
I - added in a early stage when transcribing from the manuscript

[edit on 14-3-2009 by randel]

posted on Mar, 18 2009 @ 07:10 PM

in the darkness of the light
2 young souls just couldn’t fight
he loved her and she loved him
but in Heave it’s a sin...

yet their love took them 2 far
and they were considered bad
so decided then to flee
to the earth, to the fair sea

it had been done once before
and they knew they could do more
because "love can conquer all"
said GOD not just once before.

as they sat and looked gain
saw th'arkangel TYRAEL
he was there just to stop them
because angels hated him

so she spread her wings and flew
they were so beautiful 2
yet her love stood there in pain
and thought it was all in vain
it was just an evil spell
that once th’arkangel cast on him

she came back, kissing his lips
but he didn’t move for weeks
so returning in defeat
took a lance and looked at him:

"why don’t you now want to part?
why do you out dreams depart?

Go, but I will not come 2
I can’t go, but I love you...

then forgive what I shall do"

she took then the holly lance
and just hit him in a glance
tears rolled down her pure white face
she could never feel their taste.

then more magic then before
as the love he felt for her
became hate and nothing more

"you hit me, you want me dead!

No, I don’t, she answered sad

yes you do and you will die
for the thing that you just tried"

and he took out his blue blade,
"angel you will now be slayed!”

she sat down in tears and cries
"then I ask for my demise,
but I love you, you still know
and you love me in your soul"

then the angel closed his eyes
and his blade started to rise
with one hit her wings were gone
but their fate was sealed in blood.

even her screams didn’t wake
real tears a spell can’t break
if not words and even love
could redeem an angels heart
it just made LILITH feel worse
because all she loved was cursed.

"damn it, GOD why do you hate,
the thing you told us to embrace?”

she then jumped to reach the Earth
but in Hell she was soon heard.
she was innocent like snow
he the killer was now born

because Heaven has it’s wars
he was greeted with applause
even if it was his fault
it seemed nothing of the sort.

pain she felt without her wings
and now hated the same things
that once loved without regret
because the moment was set.
she walked on the ash once more
going down in Hell’s black core.

found her wings, but couldn’t fly
still there was magic inside
from her tears and her cold blood
the wings moved and it began

she was more beautiful now
and here eyes I don’t know how
became black, her feathers flew
and she knew just what to do

she loved him and could now fly
she had magic on her side.

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