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Washington, D.C. -- In the midst of plummeting stock markets and a growing undercurrent of discontent among his subjects, President Obama delivered his weekly YouTube address on Saturday. A transcript of his remarks follows:
Hi, everybody. As you all know, the failed policies of the previous administration have plunged us into the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. If something isn't done immediately, every single citizen of the United States may soon die.
I have a plan.
I'm very proud to announce the establishment of a new government agency called the Monetary Uniformity Group. This agency will put people to work performing a simple but effective task: Americans who are currently [mimes scare quotes] "earning" too much money will be relieved of all excess cash -- by force only if necessary -- after which it will be gathered up, bundled into thick, heavy bales, and thrown into a wood chipper.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking, but please keep in mind that this plan is flexible. It could be some sort of industrial shredder instead. Or the money might be incinerated with flamethrowers, or weighed down with lead and dropped into the deepest part of the ocean. There are any number of options. The whole idea is to get that money moving away from people who don't deserve it.
To put it in terms someone like you might be able to understand: Look at your neighbor. Is it fair that he has a nicer car than you? A bigger TV? A younger, more physically fit wife or girlfriend? Well, then, let's see how he likes it when I grab his wallet and throw it in the wood chipper.
[Smiling, Obama mimes taking a wallet from someone's pocket with his thumb and forefinger, tossing it over his shoulder, and cringing slightly at the imaginary roar of the machine.]
Just picture that. Doesn't it feel good? A minute ago he thought he was soooo great, and now he's all mad because he doesn't have his iddle-widdle wallet. Look at him, he's actually crying. Got something to say, Richie Rich? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Only by following this plan can we restore America to the greatness it has yet to achieve. Remember: You deserve better, which means everybody else deserves worse.