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Do you turn down connection for closeness (relationship wise)?

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posted on Feb, 17 2009 @ 11:09 PM
I'm just wondering... maybe the reason why I'm so introverted is that I value my close companions, or, my close friends, whom I've known for a long time, like I've known people for two years... and even going back from childhood. I tend to turn down connection to new people for closeness. I met this one girl in a class of mine, well, I never approached her, but she approached me, and the, after that, I kind of became obsessive over that, and then I turned her connection down, I guess, because I wanted closeness with other individuals that I already knew, and I sometimes feel that having more friendships can complicate things. There also is someone else in my class in the same class as her, a friend of mine, that I've known pretty much since middle school or high school I can't remember which, and, I decided to go for closeness and to be friends again with someone who I was already comfortable with. I'm just curious if anyone else feels the same way. I am more introverted than most.

It isn't wrong to do this is it? To turn down someone new because you're uneasy about it and you want to keep your friends? I didn't turn down her as a friend, well, I mean, I still haven't really turned her down as a friend yet, but now I think less of her as I did, because I choose to value closeness to other individuals-- but I view her as someone who I haven't really talked to much, and, I guess I feel a bit uneasy about it since I prefer people who I'm close to... I'm not sexist or anything... there are other girls who I feel more comfortable around than her... I do talk to her sometimes... but it's just that I turned down the new connection, this new opportunity for a relationship/friendship because in my head I talked myself down (one encounter is not much, and, I have other friends)...

Do you see where I'm coming from? Do you do this too? Do you turn down connections to new people because of your social background?

[edit on 17-2-2009 by Frankidealist35]

[edit on 17-2-2009 by Frankidealist35]

posted on Feb, 18 2009 @ 12:20 AM
Hey, sounds a bit like fear of rejection to me.

Meet as many different people as you can, be yourself, if they dont like you that is their problem.

You never know, you might meet a friend for life or a lover or your wife.

posted on Feb, 18 2009 @ 12:45 AM
Difficult question friend, difficult indeed. As there is a second question underlying the first. First part first as I grapple for an answer. And make no mistake, it will take far longer to write this than to read it.

As we grow older, relationships of any sorts become more complex. Long gone are the days of the simple notes in class of "Do you like me? Check Yes or No" The more we realize that those days are behind us the more we wish that they could be that simple once again. Relationships both good and bad shape us and guide us in ways more subtitle than we like to admit.

While you can appreciate her boldness in coming forward. You might secretly resent that she thought that you would want her. That somehow her judgment and assessment of you was unfounded and unwarranted and thus unpalatable. you obviously do not find her repulsive but suspect her motives to a degree.

Sometimes romantic relationships are built on nothing more than wanting the comfort and reassurance of there being someone there that might be interested in you in some fashion. These relationships can be very sexual or affectionate or even emotional. Regardless of how they are, what they tend to be is intense. What they lack is the true deep connection of quality and substance. If you want to think of it in religious terms...a Sunday Christian is a good description although not the best, but I think it suffices. There is something there but incomplete on some level.

But to look at it from her point of view for a moment, perhaps she sees something in you that she wants or needs. You may be aware of that and do not wish to be a part of that. Which is a perfectly legitimate reason.

For the deeper question of if this is normal. Yeah it is. And so is looking back at one of those turned down relationships and wondering what it would have been like if you had not turned it down. Yeah, girls do it too so don't think it is a guy self torture mechanism. Anyone on this forum can tell you about the one that could have been. One of mine was a girl named Tara Patrick, I'll let you look her up so you can can have a laugh at my expense. You already know her by her stage name. But that is not who she was at the time. My reasons were that she was a little younger than me and I was already seeing someone that was actually standing beside me at the time she asked me out. Funny thing is, even 20 years later, despite having never married, had children nor currently dating anyone; I would still turn her down having that night over again. I stay true to myself that way and a better person for it. Because I wouldn't be hurting the one I was with at the time.

But to look at the other side of the coin, an old friend. And we had been friends since about 4th or 5th grade. She confided in me some deep feelings and secrets while in high school. So we were very close, yet remained only friends. She had some problems early in her marriage and dropped an ultimatum on her husband to straighten up or it was over. She told me about it and I could tell by her tone that I was a backup plan. And honestly, I didn't mind it. But I didn't want to be the cause of anything. He straightened up and I never heard a word from her in 15 years. Until last week...she is putting together a 20 year reunion, but I was a little nervous opening that email at first.

So to sum up, you are at a moment. She put the ball in play and now it is in your court. You can become friends, close friends, a minor relationship, and deep relationship, a "what if...", or something that is buried and forgot for years to come. Is it normal to feel like this? Just as normal as tear streaks and punched pillows and gritting teeth and honest smiles...

As for how to go about it....Welcome to Life. Which means you are pretty much on your own, chief. Because deep down everyone one of us questions wtf whenever we look at ourselves. And when it comes right down to it, it is the questions and the pursuit of answers that makes life worth living. Life becomes dull and boring when we stop.

posted on Feb, 21 2009 @ 03:46 PM
I will be 50 soon. When I was in my 20s and 30s, especially 30s, I got into short term relationships that kept ending in disaster. What I know about that now, that I was completely ignorant to then, is that I --was-- a desperate individual who was UNcomfortable with: how I looked, felt, under my skin, in my clothes, hated my hair, hated my jobs and where I lived. But instead of focusing on fixing all those, I focused on someone else to help fix them. I do not know why that darkened veil was over my 'brain', and why it is not, now. I had sought to be 'rescued', like when you go and rescue a homeless pet from a shelter. But unlike said pet, who is cute and desirable and happy when fed, I was bitter, suspiscious, jealous, resenfull, depressed, anxious, and harbourd hidden motives and expectations. I am tremendously embarrassed to admit that, it never had occurred to me, that NO ONE not even me ---- wants to 'rescue' THAT. After this Great Realization of the TRUTH, I totally and completely lost interest in pursuing relationships, and focus on how to maximally make myself ready for real and active life, while only socializing with, and appreciating my blood family. Parent, grandparent, and siblings. However, my "focus"ing is taking a VERY long time, as I am cocooned in a comfort zone, that I often fear, I may never be motivated enough to ever emerge from! On those nights I'm in front of my 'GhostHunters' episodes on TV, with a slice of real-cheese pizza, and a goblet of cheap wine, 'It's-all-good', but TOO good. Oh well.

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