Should I confront my dad?

Hi all.

I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it so thought I'd put it out here in the hope of getting some advice.

I recently went to visit my mum and dad and borrowed his laptop. I fired it up only to find two streaming sex site VOD icons on the desktop. I thought this a little odd considering my mum sometimes plays solitaire on it and she might accidently click on one of them.

I decided to do a little digging and was shocked at what I found after a history search. There were lots of sex webcam sites, porn sites and dating and escort sites.

He's a very cold and unemotional man who treats myself and my mum like dirt and my mum nearly left him after an affair he had a few years ago.

Now I'm in a position where I don't know whether to confront him or tell my mum that I'm worried he might be 'up to something.'

Any ideas, folks?

Peace,

MGGG

He knows you borrowed his laptop, so perhaps he also knows there is a chance you may discover what's on it.
If you feel the need to say something..confront him, not your mother.
Relationships have many variables, and just because he is viewing porn does not (in my opinion) mean he is cheating.Before the internet, every red blooded man had his dirty magazines hidden somewhere.Dating and escort sites could mean he is chatting other women up.Perhaps there are communication problems in the marriage too.
If it bothers you, speak to him about it, and give him a chance to explain himself.It's also his place to tell your mom.
Just my 2 pennies.

Don't say anything to your mom; that's not your place.

As for your dad....I don't know what I would do if I was in your place. On the one hand, the "child" in me would be utterly embarassed to talk to my parent about something like that. On the other hand, if it really bothered me, I might say something....not a long, drawn out speech, but just say that I found something on the computer that bothered me.

As AccessDenied smartly said, just because he looks at porn doesn't mean he's doing anything else.

Dating and escort sites on the other hand... Maybe, maybe not. Now, if you say anything, you have to admit invading his privacy. The desktop links are 'fair game', out in the open. The rest you had to 'dig' for. Sorry, but you had no right.

If you say anything, be aware of your motivations.

One possible avenue since you already are aware that your mother might know since the links were on the desktop, is ask her. If she knows or not then you might suggest she dig a little deeper herself. But be prepared for what she tells you. Do you really want to know that much about your parents? That perhaps they are looking at those sites together? It certainly isn't unheard of.

On the other hand you could let your parents be adults and let them deal with their own problems.

[edit on 17-2-2009 by TravelerintheDark]

Thanks for the input guys.

I think that its clear that its not my place to say anything to my mum but its really hard to speak to my dad full stop.

It could get very messy indeed!

I've got no idea what goes on in his head.

There are two clear indicators here.

First, he has been looking at Porn. The problem with that, at first you can look at it and look at it and fantasize about it, but then, you will reach the point to where you are no longer satisfied with looking and fantasizing. Hence, the dating and escort sites that are evident on the laptop. He sounds like he is taking it to the next level.

As for confronting him, not knowing the man, just don’t place yourself at risk in any form of retribution. If he let you borrow the laptop, knowing it was there, and you could see it, then, believe it or not, there are some people who look for outs so they can be caught and set free [instigating divorce] so they can do as they please.

Hopefully this is not the case with your father.

Looking at it from a slightly different angle, I've been reading a lot of threads on ATS recently because of the trojans, viruses, malware that some of us have had issues with.

One piece of information that someone mentioned was how unsafe it is to go into pornographic sites because your are 99.9% certain to pick up a virus / trojan of some sort.

You might want to warn your Dad about that - it's a legitimate concern. Then see where the conversation takes you.

I am a firm believer in telling people about affairs. And I don't care if they never talk to me again.

Many women find out about affairs when they get stds. Many of these stds lead to cancer or infertility.

Or even worse, HIV.

I rather have someone not talk to me then suffer the humiliation or even disabling effects of stds.

It sounds like your father is a sex addict. That problem is his. It really has nothing to do with your mother.

The cold hard types are the most degnerated, saddest people of all on the inside. He probably treats you like crap because he was treated like crap. He is trying to find love and escape where he can't find it.

Tell your mother. She has a right to know. Let her decide for herself what she wants to do. There is a good chance she may even know about it.

Great bunch of replies on this thread.

It's as though the idea or suggestion evolved as I read it.

I agree with Nixie in a large sense because such behavior could impact your family in a strongly negative way.

1. He could be doing on-line banking or CC purchases on an infected laptop.
2. He could take it to the next level and bring home an STD
3. He could even develop such a strong addiction that it could lead to mayhem and a criminal act.

So, it's not just a matter of a normal guy reading some books under the mattress, at least in this day and age.

What might be a good suggestion would be to talk to a responsible family friend, maybe even a professional, mention you're afraid of what's going on, mention that there could be extreme consequences (see above) and get them to advise you.

You don't mention your age, but if you're still dependent on the family to finish your education, an ill-advised move could wreck your life as well.

I even considered suggesting getting a virus and adware scanner and having your laptop wiped, and if he said nothing then it gives an indication of how bad it is. If he said something you could always say you thought a trojan had installed a bunch of pr0n without his knowledge.

But without knowing more it's hard to say.

I think I would try and find out if he's doing financial transactions on the laptop and then you could leave an article about how pr0n sites can lead to your PC being hijacked and your bank account could be drained.

Again, a complicated issue. Who knows, he may be spending thousands and have already drained your family savings. (unlikely but I'm sure it's happened). Look at David Duchoveny - he actually had it so bad that he had to go into publicized treatment. So it must have a potential to ruin the life of a multimillionaire movie star. (unless that was a publicity stunt - who knows).

So my thought would be to go the route of the trusted and discrete family friend and let him know you're scared and let him know (if he's not PC savvy) how bad it could be.

Good luck!

PS, how old are you if you don't mind saying?

This is a really complicated situation.

I can't tell you what you should do because there are so many variables and I have no idea what your relationships are like, but I'll tell you what I would do if it was my parents if they weren't already divorced.

I would feign concern and ask my father if he was aware of the dangers of surfing for porn. Sadly, I have no discomfort with that topic and my father ever since I had to clean out his 'porn trunk' (a drawer just wasn't enough apparently ) during a move. From there, I'd ask him about the dating/escort sites, saying I found it a little disturbing that he had been spending time at them. My dad would give me some BS answer, but he'd know I was watching him like a hawk after that.

I'd have no problem telling my mother that my father was having an affair. It would be reminiscent of the time she took me to his girlfriend's house to tell him dinner was ready.

reply to post by Syandos


You would be surprised how many couples deal with extra marital children too. Which severely complicates things.

get an account on one of the dating sites he's on. Chat him up (freaky, but could be good for lulz) and if he suggests meetin you, then say "Dad, you've been busted kiddo" You can use the information at your will. bribery, whilst illegal, can be fun

I'd confront him (if my folks were together) but get ready for a ruckus. People can get very defensive when confronted about their porn/internet usage.

So he looks at porn. Who cares. Well maybe your mom might. But guys looking at porn is nothing new. A lot of porn sites are connected to live web cams and online dating, so he could be looking at one thing and in the next second be connected to somebody's live cam. Porn does horrible things to computers, so he could have been browsing around one day and possibly got a worm that downloads a lot of that crap.

If you still feels like he loves your mom, than I don't think anything to be concerned about. Unless its some real freaky stuff.

Maybe their looking at porn together and when one of them isn't in the mood the other plays solitaire.

If their "both" on the computer "they" most likely know what going on.

Well, unless you think he's cheating again, I wouldn't do anything about it.

Your dad sounds just like my uncle. He uses porn to get away from family life. But really, if he's aged into it, he probably won't change much.

On the other hand... Its just porn. I watch it too. I'll say it loud and proud. Any guy who says they don't is either lying or probably not sexually active. Porn is entertainment, nothing more.

The difference is this: My girlfriend knows I visit these sites on occasion, so I'm not hiding anything. She actually likes the fact that I do, cause she figures it keeps me from wandering around the city when she's not around.

Porn is one thing... I'm a guy, my wife would expect to find some porn in my computer (and she has hers as well, so there you go)...

Webcams, escort sites, etc. are quite another story....

This indicates sexual interaction with others (or at least an effort at such interaction) who aren't your mom.

While it isn't your place to bring it to your mom's attention (that should be his duty)...I would definitely bring it up with your dad... The virus angle may be a good way to introduce the topic...but sounds like dad has crossed the line here....

This guy must have thought that you, your mom and any other woman would just turn the other way and pretend that it's not there. It's likely that he doesn't have much respect for women. There must be a reason why you guys are still around him. If it makes you uncomfortable and you enable it, then you're part of the problem ...

The other users are not doing you a service by saying that "all men look at porn."

All in all, I'd say that you should confront your father and let it be known that it makes you uncomfortable.

It is possible that your mother has already found out about it, but she feels like she is protecting you but not telling you, or some nonsense. Take everything she says with a grain of salt, because her judgment is clearly not sound either.

Originally posted by machinegun_go_go
He's a very cold and unemotional man who treats myself and my mum like dirt and my mum nearly left

If there is any confrontation to be done, why not over the real issue. The adult stuff is between him and your mom, it is their relationship, maybe you mom is into it too and would be embaraseed to tell you, they could be swinging on the side now that child is not in the home. Who knows.

However what is in your control is your current relationships, so approach him on that.

I can see why this is hard

Also I would be careful of what the other guy mentioned, what if your mother already knows....?

Originally posted by _Phoenix_
I can see why this is hard

Also I would be careful of what the other guy mentioned, what if your mother already knows....?

That would have to be one of the most embarasing conversations to have with your parents EVER.

"Dad's been looking at dating sites"

"yes honey, I know, we're looking for couples to have naughty times with in the hot tub"