I feel so bad....

I am 23 years old and I have absolutely no relationship with my little brother. We are 12 years apart and he is 11 years old. I have missed virtually every event that has gone on in his life so far....for example. He plays football and has been since he was 7. I have only been to one football game of his ever. I have been more worried about my own life than being involved in his. I feel so bad about this. I know that he wants nothing more than to have some sort of relationship with me, but I can't seem to bring myself to have a personal relationship with anyone, not just him. I feel like he thinks it is him...and its not...it's me. I feel like my personal problems are affecting him and they shouldn't be. The problem is that it mentally hurts me to get close to any other human being...I can't stand it. I'm not close with my mother or stepfather...I don't have a relationship at all with my father. In fact, I've purposefully shut him out of my life completely. I'm not close with friends..I'm just a naturally closed off individual. I care about all these people deeply but I don't show it at all. To them, it probably seems like I am a selfish and cold individual, but its not really like that. I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with my brother or anyone else in my family but I don't even know how to start. I guess one thing I am afraid of is that I don't want him to turn out like me. He looks up to me so much and I know this because my mother tells me he does. I just automatically feel threatened when anyone I care about tries to be personal with me. However, I can have a very personal relationship with complete strangers.....I don't understand why this is. What the hell is wrong here? Why do I seem to offend and hurt the ones I care for most and am not able to show it to them? It makes them feel hurt because I can have a more personal relationship with someone I don't know than I can with them. Why is this? Its very frustrating and often depressing. I wish I knew the problem.

reply to post by Mad_Hatter


Fear. Fear of rejection.

Instead of telling us, you could copy and paste your post to a clean new text file and print it out. Re-read it yourself before you go to bed and then tomorrow, choose an appropriate time to present it ORALLY to your brother. I bet he knows how you feel.

Don't worry my friend, you are not alone. Some of your situation rings an old bell here too.

It was only after finding out last year that my sister had leukemia that I realised how little I had told her I Love her!

All I can say is that it is important to understand that some of your problems may be caused by a lack of trust towards people. Only you will know what may have developed or caused that. (father)

Sometimes the "fear of rejection" as trexter pointed out, can be quite a powerful force that has a strong effect.

Deep down you may think it's "soft", or "silly", or "wrong" to say personal "stuff" whether it's to family or friends, and strangers are not "blood" and often come and go.....anything you said to them leaves with them.

Also, for me anyway, the feeling of getting "me" right was a priority and the feeling of not wanting to burden others often closed me off....focus, focus...

Just remember that he's your kid brother, he's blood, you can be a friend, teacher, protector and brother to him or just a grey shadow from the corner of his eye.

Reality bites! .... bite it back!

Good way to stop feeling bad....give the love, say the words, speak your mind....dare yourself...shock others....never let anyone stop you from revealing the truth and never be afraid to be wrong...that way you can't make mistakes and maybe end what seems to be a viscious circle. I think you'll be surprised at how much easier things could get if they were more familiar in everyday life.

The mind is the greatest magician and can fool itself eh?

[edit on 14/6/2008 by nerbot]

I've got two sisters I haven't seen since I was about 11. They are both 15+ yrs older than me. One of them was like a second mom to me. We were very close. I grew up thinking that they must not like me anymore, or there was something wrong with me because both of them totally disappeared from my life.

Thirty years later, I still haven't seen either one of them, but I do contact them by phone once every few years just to say hello. It never gets any further than a phone call, even though I suggest meeting for lunch, etc. I figure they don't want a relationship with me for whatever reason. It did and still does hurt, but there's not much I can do. I do my part by calling and letting them know I care about them. That's all I can do.

reply to post by Mad_Hatter


Have you ever considered telling your brother/mother/step-father these things? Being a little sister of an older brother (though he is still only 6 years older-- not to mention i'm his little sister which adds an incredible strain) I know i looked up to him, but always loved when he took the time to play a game of cards with me, or watched a movie that I enjoyed (even when it was clear that he hated it). The little things really add up.

You have alot more to lose by not trying, than you do by giving it a shot.

Wow, thanks for the replies everyone. You all are more helpful than you know. I know the problem may seem obvious to some of you but its not so obvious to me. Kinda the same way you can't tell a person with severe depression to just stop being so damn sad. It doesn't work like that. For those of you with the same problem, I will post my solution as it does not embarrass me in the slightest, or else I wouldn't have posted this asking for advice.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Someone who's anonymity I will protect U2U'd me this article and I found it very helpful in diagnosing what my problem is. This enables me to actively find a solution for it. For those of you experiencing the same, I wish you luck as well. I thank you all!