It Was A Manic Dream This Night

I've been posting on ats for at least three years and I feel like I hardly know anyone. I walked to the store and my heart was awake and my body was dancing between the steps of stone beneath me. The clouds were taken and swallowed into the horizon, the stars were all that remained, and beauty beyond description. And a cool wind blew through me and all my worries faded and I spoke to the canvas of life before me. An empty night.

I go to the store just to see someone. I go to the store so I'm not so goddamn lonely. And I’ve given up trying to make friends, or have a girlfriend, because I have failed so many times. I’ve given up all the quiet flirting I do in my passive withdrawn way, and the only communication between me and others is the one liner and the red and black scathed eyes I know they pity. The lines on my face, the days when they become uncomfortable by the truth of this quiet damnation that sits beside them and begs with downcast eyes. Failed not because I was wrong, but because I was shy and without confidence.

I left the store and it was fine, it was empty in my head. I was alone this night. Alone and I have lost god, I have lost hope and that which was my future.

It was a lonely night, and I came to the courtyard in my apartment complex, and it was grassy, and I sat on the edge of a short brick garden. The wind blew, and it felt as though there was no time, no waking life. No end in sight. And the grass was green, and I wished I could turn out the yellow orange lights that are placed atop the apartments. I thought I could climb to the top of the building and lie there and watch the stars. And I looked to the swaying grass, and thought of how nice it would be to lay down in it with my hands behind my head. But I remembered how I have carpal tunnel syndrome on both wrists, and it could be months before I even thought of such a thing. And I thought of how nice it would be to lay in the grass with someone else, and I thought of maybe a girlfriend. And I thought of how nice it would even be to lay in the grass with an old friend of mine with whom my heart has broken in a highly unfashionable way. I parted with salt and marrow, and years have gone by since the day I remember so well. I was taken back to a time that feels like grey and empty, lint and a trapped consciousness.

And I heard the leaves rustle in the night and I thought it was people talking about me with cruel thoughts, and I felt the light burning and I knew that everyone was watching me. And an embarrassment kept me from turning to face the wind. And I left knowing that I was half mad to think such things. And I left upset at myself for thinking that someone might have walked out to the courtyard and sat next to me. Someone I could love and like.

The same goddamn thing day after day, year after goddamn year. ATS, shorts, apocalypse, depression, loneliness. The same music, the same places and the same fears. I think about him still, and my subconscious hates me for what I have not done.

My morality is depraved, and I finally have money to spend. Love in me is a deep force that cannot be explained to you. Yet time and experience has hardened my heart. And this money I would not mind using to by a pint of poppy flowers.

This night is different. Unlike any night. I am beside myself. I do not go out. I do not see people. I do not have friends. I am perfectly capable of these things, but my past is potent and keeps me against this floor.

I never talk to anyone, and goddamn it I have to tonight, I don't know why. Tonight is different, I could die. It all seemed like a #ing dream. It all seems like I'm back in my past.

And I sat and I wrote this, and I wept in a way that I have not wept nor felt in years.

And I pressed the post button.

GLE
?

Do I make you uncomfortable? Do I make you want to vomit? Good. I would like that. That is my mission. You all will vomit when you watch the weather went. The horizon is thickening, get used to it. The crows are black, haven't you noticed?

It is tomorrow already?! Haha! Madness. Simply silly. Simply silliness. Obliged to speak! Well come this way. Here's a tissue, and here's the menu. A sentence per minute of motivation.

I lurv.

Because of the possible fact that the paper makes the word, and the word makes the paper, no, that's not right, let me start over again. Ok, here it goes.

Oh christ this is going to look strange when I look back on it.

And post reply.

Originally posted by Nyorai
I never talk to anyone, and goddamn it I have to tonight, I don't know why. Tonight is different, I could die. It all seemed like a #ing dream. It all seems like I'm back in my past.

And I sat and I wrote this, and I wept in a way that I have not wept nor felt in years.

I'll talk to you Nyorai, & I'll be your friend. What a surreal night it must have been for you, I think we all experience times like that when virtually nothing in our given life seems right on any level. It tends to make us reflect back on times when we thought things were right, or at the very least, palatable.

Edit* missing word*

[edit on 4/8/2008 by jensouth31]

Nyorai, You are not alone. Not alone in your thoughts, your experience or your reality.
Feel, talk, and we will listen.
You are among the most wonderful of people here, and though you may not know us as friends already, doesn't mean it isn't so.
AD

reply to post by Nyorai


You don't make me want to vomit. Why is that your mission? What have I or anyone else done to make you want us to be sick or feel down and hopeless?

You paint the world as a bleak and lonely place. It is neither for me.

The path you are walking is a well worn path. I and most all humans have been just where you are. I call it the Circle of Me Path. Woe is me. Me, me me. Poor pitiful me. I have no one to love. I have no friends. I am lonely.

I'll throw you a rope. It's up to you to grab it and pull yourself up out of the pity pot you've put yourself in.

What do you think would happen if you started thinking about ways you could help other people? There are people that can't walk to the store like you can. There are many things you could do to enrich some one else's life. But you have to stop thinking about yourself.

Get up and get moving one foot at a time. That first step is a tough one. All you need is a toe hold and you can climb right up out of the damned pity pot.

Don't allow the past to control you today. Live for now.

I am deeply sorry you have come to such a point in your life. It is 100% unproductive. Shake it off. You are alive. My friend died 3 days ago. Don't waste another minute of your precious time. Cherish every second. Commune with mother nature.

I will be your friend. But you might not like me. I tell it like I see it. I don't pull any punches. What is, is. All I require is that you be my friend too.

My friend that died this week always had something to say to brighten every body's day. He lived in sever pain for the past twenty years. He never complained. I miss him. Be my friend Nyorai.

reply to post by dizziedame


I completely agree with what you said, and I'm glad you're trying to give me that push.

What you said was fairly universal and can be applied in many circumstances.

Thanks. You know it's not like we all haven't had our ups and downs. Thanks for describing what I've been struggling with for my entire life. But I'm sure we all have.

I'm not a goddamn heartless attention freak, and I realize your anger is a reflection of your own personal feelings now.

Cheers,
Nyorai

I'll be your friend though.

[edit on 9/4/2008 by Nyorai]

reply to post by Nyorai
No my new friend. I did not write those words to you in anger.
Those words were sent to you with caring and love for my fellow human.

I was not nor am I angry with you. When I read your thread I put myself in your place and felt your pain. It was all to familiar as I have been there too many times. Your words cut deep into my heart. I share your pain. I am your friend.

Marilyn

Nyorai
I am late as usual. But no you do not make me vomit, I can completely relate to how you feel.
Really, trust me.
I know how it feels when one is in a void. Quick sand.
I was there, I can still find my self there. Just briefly.
But back then, OH I had to learn a leason.

I was a sailor and it can get damned lonely out there. I cried, I raged, I thought I was gonna die. It was sooooo lonely.
And then I turned around, I had to embrace that loneliness, I walked right in to it. I confined my self. I talked to my self. I listened to my self.

I learned the hard way, that the only person you have to fall back on, is........your self. I learned to appreciate and nurture my own company.
And Gods.
That is the most important leason. To truly enjoy.

It was a very lonely road. But it paid of.
I also learned to appreciate others, people animals, the earth in a whole different way.

Down that road I found people that in that brief moment of time granted me friendship.
I still recall a face, a voice, a name at times, I just call them "Friend".

It is a devastating road dear, walk it with caution, learn to pick your friends, they are mirrors of your self.
Once you find you, you will find them.
Does this make sense?

Sit down with me at a watering hole a little, just sit.
I think perhaps only those who are strong enough to walk this path are assigned to it, perhaps?
WIS

reply to post by WalkInSilence


It is difficult because at my age people are not interested or do not care about the things I do. That and low self esteem really make it hard. I get desperate sometimes at make rash decisions, harmful ones. Your experience helped make what you said feel genuine and wholesome.

I'd like to sit.

: )

[edit on 19/4/2008 by Nyorai]

Nyorai, yes just sit a while.
I too mad very harmful decisions, I know about not being understood, please believe me.
I was always the one who listened, for many years, until I couldn't stand to listen any more and I spoke and no one listened and I became silent.

And now many many years later I can listen again because Life listens to me, I am not alone. Well at times I am, to be honest I can be very lonely, but then I seek Life.

Perhaps some of us just learn to listen to the wind, Perhaps some of us are here to listen just to be.

I can not promise you will find companion's, I know how it feels when you just long for that kind word or gentle touch.
I know.
Perhaps this is the path of an empath?

You just cry, and imagine the arms of all loving beings hold you up.
I know.

WIS

Originally posted by Nyorai

. That and low self esteem really make it hard. I get desperate sometimes at make rash decisions, harmful ones.

Its a crazy world isn't it? Dont let the fact that the world has gone crazy make you feel low self esteem. I have always been an extrovert, been a salesman most of my life and have meant so many different people.

After meeting so many people I still feel like I cannot truly relate to anyone. So I most time would rather be alone.

You are unique as we all are. No one in the history of creation has seen the word though your eyes and have had your perspective. For this reason alone you are a miracle.

God does not give you what you cannot handle. Live proud because of who you are and remember we are all connected. Light a candle and meditate on our connectedness. It helps.

U2u me anytime you like.

a friend

reply to post by LoneGunMan


Meditation really does help.

We must walk up this great mountain, and we will fall. Each time we walk again we grow stronger and go further up the mountain. Then we fall. Let us not give in, even to the plush greens that sit next to the easy stream. Perhaps for a while we may rest, but not too long.

[edit on 20/4/2008 by Nyorai]