Make Someone Smile : ) Post A Joke Today !

Make Someone Smile : ) Post A Joke Today !




Here, I'll get things going...


What does a Texas Tornado & a Tennessee Divorce Have in Common ???
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In Both Cases You Know That Someone is Going To Lose a Trailor !!!

Hi there I have a few.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

There was a magic tractor driving down the road, it turned into a field!

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave.
Suddenly, one of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"

Ok, heres a joke my dad told me. So here it is. You have to read the whole thing to get it!



A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord,
I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?




ok, did you get it??? lol. HAHA....

[edit on 4-5-2007 by minnie]

Yes I get it, thats a real giggler.
I hope there are more jokes posted here...

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.

The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do."

Resigned, the man sighed and said, "Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?"

"Three-hundred fifty dollars," the doctor replied.

"Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!" the man stammered.

"Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan."

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

The Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse # onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse # from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Three men are captured my cannibals. 1 German, 1 French, and 1 Amercian. the chief said, "Due to our holiday, I shall grant each of you 1 wish, then you get whipped 30 times on the back, then you can go."

The German says, "I want a pillow strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps a pillow on the German's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 10th lash, the pillow gave out and the German walked off crying.

The French say, "I want 2 pillows strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps 2 pillows on the French's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 20th, last, the pillow gave out and the French walked off limping.

The chief says to the Amercian, "Since you are from a great country, I shall give you 2 wishes." The Amercian says, "Thank you. For my first wish, I want not 30 lashes, but 100 lashes." The chief says, "Not only do you come from a great country, you are noble too, what is your last wish?" The Amercian replys, "Strap the frenchman to my back."

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"






[edit on 8-5-2007 by ImJaded]

Ahhh one more for the road ...


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet ya can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet ya can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the hell is your secret?”

Bubba replied, “Well, coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

Why did the lion eat the clown?



He thought he tasted funny!

That one was right off the kids menu from T.G.I. Fridays. Funny stuff!

just a freindly boost

What's the difference in between jesus and a picture of jesus?

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The picture takes only 1 nail to hang up

Farmers Wife

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"

"Oh that," his wife replied,

"Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

Two men with Alzheimers go to the sea side.
The ice cream van drives past and one says to the other,
"Do you want an ice cream?"
The other one says,
"No ,you'll forget".
"I promise not to forget"
"OK then"
"Do you want chocolate sauce?"
"No you'll forget."
I promise not to forget"
"OK then"
"Do you want a flake in it ?
"Yes OK then"
Two hours later the first man comes back with a packet of cheese and onion flavoutr crisps"
The other one says
"Whats that -I asked for a pork pie!"

Once upon a time, three friends were riding camels through desert, it was their first time doing so and they were inexperianced.
After 2 hours of riding they eventually realised that nothing was around them anywhere, they decided to keep going think eventually we will come across someone.
After 7 hours there Camels collapsed of exaustion, the friends decided they had to keep walking.
At the 10 hour mark they are feeling like hell just spat them up, too exausted to speak and are feeling nausious and dizzy from the heat.
Suddenly on the horizen they see a small hut made of wood, they can't believe their luck. They move as fast as they can and eventually get to the door of the hut, they knock, a large woman with loads of big scabs on her face opens the door, the friends just repeat the words water, water, water. The woman say's "you can have some water but first I need one of you to do something for me, the other two will have to wait outside.
One of them goes in, she tells him he has to peel the scabs of her back because they're dry and itchy, she removes her gown and he see's all the scabs, he decides it's best for him and his friends to start peeling, he see's a crisp packet and decides to put them in there, when he's finished he throws it out the window, suddenly he needs the toilet, she tells him to do it in one of the bottles in the corner and throw that out the window, so he does.
The woman thanks him for his help and gives him two buckets of water which he takes outside to his friends, He say's "hey guy's I got water", one of them replies "no thanks, we're OK, we just had a bottle of orange and a juicy packet of crisp's...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on his face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on his face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

i don't get it, is the question "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" ???

I'm confused,

Roswell.

Whoosh!

that's the sound of the joke speeding past the top of your head at light speed. LOL

I had to think about it for a minute too.

What is the slang definition of the word "came?" That ought to help.