The Darwin Awards recognize individuals who kill themselves in stupid ways such that the human gene pool is improved by the absence of their DNA.
Technically, Geoff Huish does not qualify since he is not dead; nevertheless, he probably provided Homo sapiens with an up-tick in the overall gene
According to a Reuters report, Huish was drinking at a social club - that will not shock you once you hear the rest of this tale - and watching the
England/Wales rugby match. He was so convinced that England would win that he declared, "If Wales win, I'll cut my balls off." The final score was
Wales 11, England 9 so Huish went home and cut off his testicles and then walked back to the bar to show his friends what he had done. He was taken to
a hospital where he "remained in serious condition". In England and Wales, lots of folks drink Guinness; and on the off chance that was his beverage
of choice that day, let me say, "Brilliant!!"
Norm Chow has left USC to become the offensive coordinator for the Tennessee Titans. There were some reports of a rift between Chow and Pete Carroll
at USC but those have been denied. Other people have wondered if this might cause Matt Leinart to rethink his decision to stay at USC for his senior
year. I began to wonder if there was something a bit underhanded about Chow waiting until after the "national signing day" to leave USC when at least
some of the incoming recruits probably relished the thought of playing under his tutelage. I can't believe that any of the USC recruiters sat in those
kids' living rooms and said that coming to USC was a crapshoot because offensive coordinator extraordinaire, Norm Chow, was ready to bail out on the
squad. Then I realized that his leaving now is probably a good life lesson for the USC football players. Life sometimes throws you a curve ball;
people do not always do what they say they are going to do.
In other college football news, Michigan defensive lineman Larry Harrison, Jr. was arrested in December on one count of indecent exposure in Ann Arbor
near the University of Michigan campus. Today it was announced that he was being charged with four counts of indecent exposure and sexual delinquency
- whatever that is. Reports in December said that Harrison fit the description of a serial flasher in the area who had been involved in as many as 16
different incidents in that general area of town since August of last year. According to the University of Michigan website, Larry Harrison is 6'3"
tall and weighs 299 lbs. I would imagine that it would be difficult for police to gather up enough people around the station house to put Harrison
into a line-up for identification. On the other hand, his physical presence could make a defense argument of misidentification a bit difficult. If he
were actually the flasher, I doubt that any of the victims would accidentally identify Danny DeVito as the perpetrator. Here's another thing that is
strange about this whole situation. Ann Arbor in December is not exactly the kind of weather that would make flashing a pleasant experience. There may
indeed be nude beaches in Fiji where one may luxuriate in December, but there aren't any in Ann Arbor!
A major topic of discussion on the local sports radio outlet yesterday was the Jose Canseco book and the players reportedly outed in that book as
steroid users. Many sportswriters and commentators around the country expressed a significant degree of skepticism about the allegations reported to
be in that book because of the source. Jerry Greene in the Orlando Sentinel said, "If Jose Canseco tells me the sun will rise in the East tomorrow, I
want a second opinion." Jim Reeves in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram said, "How bad must [Canseco's] life be to drive him to betray teammates, to
sacrifice friendships for the almighty dollar?... But this is like the neighborhood drug peddler stepping up to name the names of all the kiddies he
corrupted down at the corner junior high. Do we really want to take his word for anything?"
Folks, Jerry Greene and Jim Reeves are both good sportswriters with a long tenure in the field; I am not criticizing their views; I actually tend to
agree with them. However, compare this reaction to the one that was most prevalent when Victor Conte outed a bunch of athletes as people to whom he
supplied his magical and undetectable steroid potions. The prevalent opinion was something along the lines of, "Wow, I always wondered how so-and-so
was able to accomplish those marvelous athletic feats; now I know, he/she was juiced." So, can someone explain to me why Victor Conte is inherently
more credible than Jose Canseco is? I doubt seriously that Diogenes would have ended his search for the honest man the moment he shone his lantern
into the eyes of either of these guys.
The Dallas Cowboys had a miserable season this year and it was made all the more miserable by the high expectations that folks had for the team in
September. Bill Parcells took a large measure of grief for much of the year over the unsettled quarterback situation in Dallas and for his dogged -
perhaps stubborn? - focus on Vinny Testaverde as the #1 QB. Well, now that everyone has had their fun poking the bear in his cage, it is time to say
that Parcells got one thing right. Remember when he cut Quincy Carter who had been the QB in 2003 when the Cowboys won 10 games? He took a lot of gas
for that. Now Carter is in drug rehab and is being treated for bipolar disorder. Folks, that is not the foundation on which you build the confidence
and leadership of a starting QB in the NFL and Parcells cut those ties even without an immediate replacement for Carter. He did that for the sake of
the team and he did it in such a way that he took all the grief and did not pin any of the blame on Carter. One definition of a great leader is
someone who acts with integrity on that which he believes to be true. In this case, that seems to be exactly what Bill Parcells did.
San Diego Padres' fans need to circle May 14, 2005 on their calendar. It is a Saturday night and the Florida Marlins are in town but Padres' fans
might want to get tix for this night pretty soon. That game will mark the return of The Chicken to San Diego and it will be his first appearance at
Petco Park - what better place for The Chicken to be than Petco Park? The Chicken started his shtick as The San Diego Chicken about 30 years ago and
somehow a lawsuit emerged out of that which forced a permanent name change for the character. But he will return on May 14.
Finally, here is a note from Greg Cote in the Miami Herald on the social events leading up to the Super Bowl:
"Hootie and the Blowfish performed at the big Media Party, as the host committee evidently was under the mistaken impression it was 1994. John Daly
joined them for a duet on Bob Dylan's Knockin' On Heaven's Door. A lawsuit by Dylan is pending."
But don't get me wrong, I love sports...
Copyright The Sports Curmudgeon