Newz Forum: OTHER: Dean's List: The Safety Dance

Nothing against jock rock, but NFL deejays need to start diversifying their portfolios...

How many times can we hear "We Will Rock You," "Blitzkrieg Bop," and "Eye of the Tiger" in one football game? What about our other favorites of the '70s and '80s? Take the "The Safety Dance," for example. Some say it's cheesy and dated, but I say it's funny and classic. And much like "We are the Champions," it's entirely relevant to the game of football. Like when a defender scores a safety and starts dancing. Or when a safety makes a big play and starts dancing. Or even when a referee calls a personal foul for an "unsafe" tackle. So the next time you see a ball hawk like Ravens safety Ed Reed dancing in the end zone, remember Men Without Hats. Remember their message of exhibitionist individuality. And remember "The Safety Dance." 'Cause if your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine...

He was unanimously named the NFL's Coach of the Year just four seasons ago. But for Jim Haslett, 2000 never seemed so long ago. Amidst ongoing speculation that his job is in jeopardy, Haslett...has let his team get away from him after a 4-8 start to the season. Indeed, the end is near for the Saints' second all-time winningest coach. But it's been a good run for Haslett, who's won 39 games (including their first ever playoff victory) in less than five seasons for a franchise that won 34 in the six years prior to his arrival. So don't shed a tear for Jim, he'll be fine. Shed a tear for the floundering Saints, who'll soon regain their status as the perennial basement-dwellers of the National Football League...

As Steve McNair mulls over retirement, the pundits will continue to remind us that the legacy of the battered quarterback is one of proverbial toughness, grit and determination. But is this even accurate? Is a player who's had thirty documented injuries and missed 13 starts and parts of many others in eight years as a starter really that tough? Or is he really just injury-prone and - dare I say - fragile? Don't get me wrong. McNair is certainly tougher than most men, probably even most professional athletes. But in the realm of NFL quarterbacks, in the elite ranks of modern-day warriors, McNair - relatively speaking - isn't among the toughest. Dan Marino didn't miss a start until his eleventh season. Peyton Manning, now in his seventh year, has never missed a start. Ditto for Brett Favre, who's battled through countless injuries over 13 seasons with a Super Bowl ring to show for it all. Now that's remarkable. And like it or not, that's tough...

Twelve games and 13 weeks into the 2004 NFL season, AFC teams have a combined record of 103-89, including a 32-18 mark against the NFC. So simple logic tells us that the NFC is 89-103 overall with an 18-32 mark against their better half...

Six out of the 16 teams in the NFC are 5-7, and 10 out of the conference's 16 teams have a record between 5-7 and 7-5. Only two teams - 11-1 Philadelphia and 9-3 Atlanta - have a record of 8-4 or better. Each of the remaining four teams has a record of 4-8 or worse. The state of "competition" in today's NFC isn't about Parity. It's about mediocrity. Mediocrity at its finest...

In the dominant AFC, seven out of 16 teams have a record between 5-7 and 7-5, and five teams have a record of 4-8 or worse. The remaining four teams have a record of 9-3 or better, with New England and Pittsburgh leading the way at 11-1. Suffice it to say, a 6-6 AFC team like Jacksonville, Buffalo or Cincinnati would be one of the top teams in the NFC, competing with the 9-3 Falcons for the number two spot in the conference behind runaway favorite Philadelphia...

The competitive dichotomy between football's conferences tells us that Parity hasn't taken over just yet. It's certainly alive and well in the inept NFC, but it has yet to make its mark in the dominant AFC. Not to worry though. Inevitably, Parity will run its course. And when ineptitude and dominance mold into a muddled mass of mediocrity, those who favor equal competition will have their wish: a league in which every team finishes 8-8. And as schizophrenic economist John Nash would surely agree, this is the future of equilibrium in the National Football League. Oh well, you asked for it...

What's a Supersonic?

At the University of Louisville, Rick Pitino and Bobby Petrino coach the basketball and football programs, respectively. When asked if an Italo-American bias factored into either of these hirings, athletic director Johnny Meatballs declined comment. I'm Dean Christopher...