Rodney Dangerfield

OK, let's hear your best Rodney jokes. Here's mine.

"Oh, when I have sex with my wife, I always have a mirror in the room. Yeah, I put it under her nose to see if she's breathing! "

"This girl was so ugly that when two guys broke into her house, she cried rape and the other two yelled "NOOOO!""

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.


Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."


With girls I don't get no respect. When I was makin' love to one girl she started to cry. I said to her, "You'll hate yourself in the morning." She said, "No, I hate myself now!"


With my dog I don't get no respect. His favorite bone is in my finger.


With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.


With the dog I don't get no respect. He makes me feel like I'm dirty. He jumps on my bed, and then he smells it for ten minutes before he lays down on it.


With my wife I don't get no respect. I had a fight with the dog. My wife said the dog was right. And she told me this right in front of the dog! Now the dog has no respect. My wife throws the ball. He waits for me to bring it back.


With my wife I don't get no respect. Why she kisses the dog on the lips and she won't drink from my glass.


With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.


With my wife I don't get no respect. The other night she told me to take out the garbage. I told her I already took out the garbage. Then she told me to go out and keep an eye on it.


With my wife I don't get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it!


With my wife I don't get no respect. Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.


With my wife I don't get no respect. I got no sex life. In my house we put the mirror over the dogs bed.


With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me she wanted sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.


With my wife I don't get no respect. I told her when I die I wanna be cremated. She's planning a barbeque.


With my wife I don't get no respect. When I had diabetes she kept sending me candy grams.


With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.


With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin' to find out what car she was in.


I tell ya I get no respect. I told my dentist to put in a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with four cavities.


With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!


Oh, with my wife, I gotta watch myself. When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.


My trouble is - my sex life is on hold - and I got no one to hold it!


I got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom - he wants to learn how to beg! He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead!


I can't lose any weight, I tried jogging - I keep running into restaurants!


Oh, when I have sex with my wife, I always have a mirror in the room. Yeah, I put it under her nose to see if she's breathing!


My anniversary I made a toast - to the best woman a man ever had - the waiter joined me!


Oh, my wife signed me up for a bridge club - I jump off next Tuesday!


I'm getting old. I got no sex life - why, if I squeeze into a parking space I'm sexually satisfied!


Oh, I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places!


I saw a girl at the bar, I told her, "You're a cute chick - how would you like me to be the rooster?" She told me to go cluck myself.

Here's his bio;

Born Jacob Cohen in 1921, Rodney "No Respect" Dangerfield began writing jokes at the age of 15. At 19 he changed his name to Jack Roy and had two jobs: one as a comic who couldn't make a living and the other as a singing waiter.
After traveling the comedy circuit for ten years, the struggling Jack Roy quit show business in favor of selling aluminum siding.
It wasn't until the age of 40 that Dangerfield made the decision to relaunch his career as a performer and comedy writer. He spent his days in a business office and nights working in New York clubs.
Rodney's famous trademark white shirt and red tie are on permanent display at the Smithsonian