Evil Feelings

Ok let me make this short, I have a disorder depersonalization disorder/ derealization basically it makes me feel as if life is like a dream and im not really real. My reality is intact except it is different (hard to describe). I also have anxiety/loads of it, well about 1 year ago i had a panic attack and after the panic attack the strangest thing happened, i felt evil... like really evil, i felt like I was powerful and this feeling is very sinister. It's a mixture of power and evil, the night before I saw what was a shadow person for a split second. It was like a cloaked figure that hovered from the back of a tree right in front of me and then quickly hid back behind the tree. I didn't have the balls to go and check behind the tree because what I saw was pretty damn creepy. Although not as creepy as the evil feeling that I felt the morning after. My question is what were these feelings, it was like nothing i felt before and i never want to feel it again. Anyone else had them?

Because of your tendency to be half in and half out of reality your guardian angel had to give you a very deep jolt that would stick with you when everything else faded into unreal-ism.

This world is where we are sent to learn the difference between good and evil and you would have gone through life as if it were all a big fantasy, except that your guardian drove it into your head that evil isn't a fantasy and is something you must avoid with all your might.

It was a hard lesson that will stick with you even though all the rest of life seems ephemeral to you.

My guardian appears as terrifying beings sometimes too. They can be holier than the holiest and darker than the darkest when they want to be. They ain't limited in any way. However they are only thinking of our best interests and appear in ways that will ultimately benefit us.

My M.O. for relating to these things is to start with the mundane and go from there.

In this case, your feeling of evil may be an indication of a psychotic episode, or in some way tied to your pre-existing condition. Visual and auditory hallucinations are not uncommon during a psychotic episode. Now, that said I'm not in any position to make a diagnoses, but from personal experience.

That is where I'd begin. Once you've explored that route I'd start looking into things that are less and less mundane. I hope for your sake it is indeed something treatable and not sinister.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I've had a panic attack once before, and let me say, it aint nice. I felt like I was going to die, literally.

Panic attacks bring on very strange & intense feelings. Sometimes suicidal thoughs, sometimes thoughts of murder.

It's not unusual to feel something such as that after or during a panic attack. the question is, what caused it?

My attack was brought on by depression & worry about my mild epileptic condition.

Yours may be brought on because of your mental disorder, or an unexplained event(Like what probedbygrays spoke about).

Also, (now I'm no doc, or priest, but it's just a thought), it could be brought on by demonic possession? Most people who are demon possessed do not even know it. that could be the case. I'm not saying you are, it's just a suggestion. I could be wrong.

Yea im gonna have to agree with Probedbygrays, you all sort of hit the spot. The night before I smoked marijuana and i accredit the panic attack to the herb. After that night I haven't smoked marijuana and I did feel like it was sort of like a warning keeping me from smoking.

Are you seeking professional help?

Drugs and Mental Illness are a part of this picture, and you should seek help if you arent already.

If you are really evil man then go after the shadow person. I bet you can take it. It will be a struggle of your darkness against the darkness of the shadow person. Who will win?

look into some SSRI

or anti-psychotics.

neuropsychologist ftw here imo

I've felt evil and powerful before. However I did not act on it and that feeling passed away. I remember having a dream where I was evil and enjoyed it. I was a bit concerned when I woke up and remembered that feeling. Doing either good or evil has consequences to pay for.

If you think about what may happen and does happen in many instances, it seems the better path is to do good rather than evil. I'd much rather be complimented on my good efforts rather than doing evil and causing more suffering in this world.

If you keep getting evil feelings, just tell Satan to get lost.

Originally posted by unconscious_war
Ok let me make this short, I have a disorder depersonalization disorder/ derealization basically it makes me feel as if life is like a dream and im not really real. My reality is intact except it is different (hard to describe). I also have anxiety/loads of it, well about 1 year ago i had a panic attack and after the panic attack the strangest thing happened, i felt evil... like really evil, i felt like I was powerful and this feeling is very sinister. It's a mixture of power and evil, the night before I saw what was a shadow person for a split second. It was like a cloaked figure ........

im going to get a lot of flak for even talking about this, but in my personal experience

it wouldnt have mattered if you had looked behind the tree, the figure is inside your eyeball. When i was younger i too seemed to walk around in a daze such as u speak of, like i was lucid dreaming for the first few years of my life.

you arent really powerful, If something is really inside your head (in my case right near the left side of the brain in the hypocampus area) , its just trying to stroke your ego because then u illicit negative type emotions and it makes you easier to control. I also noticed that it grips u right under your heart. its more attempting a merger of thought , and giving into that "evil" so to speak helps it merge (why it strokes your ego). this is not to say that even full integration will give it the control of someone who is demonically possessed , and by no means is it an excuse for YOUR behavior. This should also not be taken as an endorsement that I belive in some sort of universal oneness (all merging is bad IMO).

That sounds a lot like the manic phase of bipolar disorder. One of the symptoms of mania is "grandiose plans", which means you feel very powerful.

Also, when the manic phase becomes intense it often becomes psychotic, which would explain why you saw a shadow person.

In any case, I'm not a doctor, but I do have bipolar and this sounds all too familiar. I would definitely go get checked out by a doctor, as soon as possible. He or she can give you a full diagnosis and explain things and prescribe you any medications deemed necessary.

OP....by "evil", what do you mean? Did you feel like you wanted to kill somebody? Or was it just like a vindictive (getting back at someone) evil? Are you still continually feeling this way? If you are, I think you should seek help, before you act on these feelings and live to regret something terrible

Originally posted by unconscious_war
Yea im gonna have to agree with Probedbygrays, you all sort of hit the spot. The night before I smoked marijuana and i accredit the panic attack to the herb. After that night I haven't smoked marijuana and I did feel like it was sort of like a warning keeping me from smoking.

Here's my take - you need psychlogical help for this issue. To blame an experience on "guardian angels" when you already have a pre-existing condition for which you take drugs and then you admittedly smoke pot afterwards... Do you really need an answer?

Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious. Continue taking your medication, check with your doctor if its safe for you to smoke pot and talk with a therapist about the feelings that you have had.

I can assure you, this has nothing to do with Guardian Angels; honestly, I feel it was innappropriate for ProbedbyGrays to say what he did, but whatever.

Get help man. Psychiatry is you're best route on this one.

You guys talk like you know, I have been to many psychologists/psychiatrists. Medications don't work. SSR'S Anti-psychotics actually make my condition worst. I am not psychotic, I just had a bad experience with marijuana causing an abrupt change in perception and feeling. Psychosis consists of delusions/mass audible hallucinations/and some other stuff. My disorder is depersonalization. I don't have delusions/and consistant hallucinations.Sometimes marijuana causes hallucinations depending on the thc potency. Psychosis patients usually suffer from audio hallucinations. I saw the shadow person whether it was a hallucination or not is not up to me to decide. It looked as real as anything and if you've ever had a visual hallucination you will know that it looks completely real. When I say I felt evil, i meant I felt the presence of evil in me and around me. That feeling felt close to the feeling of power except it was twisted in a way. I knew that I was not some powerful force, I just felt like I was, there's the difference feeling and actually being. Psychologists/Psychiatrists do not help me, they just ignore my condition because not much is known and prescribe me some SSRI's and tell me to go on my way. I took many, (prozac, zoloft, lexapro, seroquel, propanol,wellbutrin) they all had 0 effect on my condition. All they did was lift my mood and increase my appetite. At this moment there is no medication for what I have (depersonalization,derealization) I've had it for 3 years now. wake up guys pharmacuticals are crap

Originally posted by unconscious_war
wake up guys pharmacuticals are crap

Well, I certainly have to agree with you there. I think it's a big conspiracy FDA, AMA and whomever else is involved. I started believe it was a conspiracy as soon as they started pushing all those prescription drug commercials on t.v.....was that like 10 years ago?? Just say No to Drugs And say NO to flu shots

[edit on 11/2/2006 by jensouth31]

war i think that for a time you were able to see your sinister feelings impersonated,sorry man.

Unconscious_war

I had the unenviable experience of a generational curse ( this is how it was explained to me by a born again and I will portray his explanation as it were not my own ) that was the curse of death.

As a kid I had the feeling of extreme power and when ever I found myself around a weapon ( usually knives ) with in reaching distance I had this urge to thrust it into who ever was near me. This urge was not my "own" and I knew this because I could always fight it and never actually acted out any of these urges.

The urges abated as I passed through puberty and eventually never came back but the memory of it always stuck in my mind as it deeply disturbed me. I always thought if this is the same urge that other people act on and commit henious crimes as a result of it made me think that perhaps we arent living in the world we think we are.

I defineately suffer from serious anxiety level's and bad sinister obsession's which I do not like at all, nor do I wish to carry them out at all, I've tried therapy work, no good at all, I sometimes suffer from bad level's of I would say "beta wave's" upon the mind system.

I have taken SSRI's, Beta Blocker's, Anti Deppressant's, etc, to no avail, I gather you need "good friend's," and alot of "rapport," these spy-chiatrist's mean well but they can get in the way.

I gather a good NLP course would not curse me to no end's, but the best treatment's always alot of Money Magick involved.

Unless we all have our personal guru's and lifestylist priest's.

Originally posted by unconscious_war
Ok let me make this short, I have a disorder depersonalization disorder/ derealization basically it makes me feel as if life is like a dream and im not really real. My reality is intact except it is different (hard to describe). I also have anxiety/loads of it, well about 1 year ago i had a panic attack and after the panic attack the strangest thing happened, i felt evil... like really evil, i felt like I was powerful and this feeling is very sinister. It's a mixture of power and evil, the night before I saw what was a shadow person for a split second. It was like a cloaked figure that hovered from the back of a tree right in front of me and then quickly hid back behind the tree. I didn't have the balls to go and check behind the tree because what I saw was pretty damn creepy. Although not as creepy as the evil feeling that I felt the morning after. My question is what were these feelings, it was like nothing i felt before and i never want to feel it again. Anyone else had them?

Every day !! Its a tough thing to control....with me its a malevolence towards all I meet.......but I know better and behave accordingly but I swear there are times I can see myself ripping someones heart right from their chest (if they are pissing me off...which is frequent) Sometimes I believe I am a either demon or devil in a human body...I suppose I will find out someday........one way or another.










[edit on 8-12-2006 by Satansfist Soulcrusher]

Just a reminder to members, discussing usage of illegal drugs is NOT allowed on ATS.
Please review this link:

Discussion of illegal activities such as drug use, drug paraphernalia are strictly forbidden.