You Might be a Nascar Fan If........

I found these jokes on www.racinportal.com and I thought that ya'll might like 'em.
You might be addicted to NASCAR if...
(Author Unknown)
If you wake up in the mornin to a alarm clock that says "Gentlemen Start your engines" with a motor sound behind it.
If you refer to going to the bathroom as a "Pit Stop".
Men, While going to the bathroom you swirl it in a left hand circle.
If you have a number painted on the side of your car/truck.
If you put a yellow stripe on the back of your teenagers car. .
If you have a conversation with any "normal" person an no matter what number they say you can name the driver.
If you only drive down one way streets so you can make a tight left turn.
If you time your self at the gas station against another person filling up your tank.
If you consider your Sunday Best to be a racing suit.
If you are in the store and "bang" another shopper with a cart so they don't pass.
If you log on to chat on the internet and your handle is anything like Wub2Race or LooseIntheCorner.
If you buy 4 new tires when you have only one flat.
If you have ever told a ex-girl/boy friend they didn't "Qualify".
If you are 1st at a stop light in traffic an you look around and think you're sittin on the pole.
If you tape the races and watch it more than one time after that.
If you are at a race and know what the lingo is on the scanners.
If you name your baby after any driver and use Dale as the middle name.
If you know all of the states and towns names of where the tracks are.
If you pass somebody by while walking an in your mind think "lapped him".
If you can remember the date of Daytona at the start of each season but not your wives/hubby birthday.
If you tell yer children they have been black flagged when they get in trouble.
If you can name the year and track of regular drivers 1st wins and not remember your wedding anniversary.
If you have gone to a auto parts store and asked for the window tear off film.
If the doors on your car/truck work fine and you still crawl in and out of the window.
If you go to Walmart once a week with your spending money and buy NASCAR ©™ related stuff.
If you save yer extra money for tickets to a race instead of a vacation every year.
If you have the NASCAR.com or RacinPortal.com website as your home page on the computer.
You run out of gas and try to explain to the cop (who's giving you a sobriety test) your weaving from lane to lane was just and attempt to get fuel into the pickup. When you have an accident, the first thing you try to do is pull off the steering wheel. The next thing you do is blame Robby Gordon.
You're sitting behind someone at a red light, and when it changes, you yell, "GREEN! GREEN! GREEN! GO! GO! GO!"
You time yourself on your wrist watch when you pull into the self serve gas n go.
On an interstate exit ramp you stay on the outside to keep the RPM's up.
You make sure to stay under 55 when you leave the gas pumps.
You say "But officer, I wasn't tailgating, I was drafting"
You consider slower cars in the left lane as "lapped traffic"
Before traffic begins to resume regular speed on the highway, you find yourself weaving side to side warming up the tires to optimal tempature.
You can't wait for next year to see what Soap powder your favorite driver has as a sponsor because the one he's got now keeps giving you a rash.
You drive for 2 hours out to the nearest Valvoline Quik Lube.
While explaining to the officer why your car is smashed into the interstate ramps guardrail, you explain: Well, the First National Bank/ Smith Family Chevy was running great today. That blue Ford got in behind me, loosened me up , I drifted high and the next I knew, I was in the wall, but......I don't blame the other driver, heck, what can I say....that's racing!!
You have ever actually yelled "YOU KISS MY ***" out the window of your car when you see a car with a 24 sticker in the window.
You've ever pushed little kids to the ground at Toy-R-Us to get to the Racing Champions cars first.
You rearrange your diecasts to match the grid during cautions.
You have a mini winners circle for your dicasts.
You get caught stealing the lifesize cut out of your favoritie driver from the local convience store.

You refer to the family mini van as the "team hauler"
You hit the car in front of you, and tell the officer "Rubbin is Racin!"
You've ever seriously considered putting an "onboard camara" in your car.
You plan family vacations around race dates.
When you pass someone on the highway you refer to it as taking them on the inside.
You take your 4yr old son with you because you need a spotter.
You sign up for flu shots (at work) on Fridays so you can fake sick in order to get home in time for qualifying.
After riding behind the same two dumdums riding side by side for SOOOOooooo long, you decide to make it three wide down the front stretch, and pass them in the emergency lane ( after looking, of course)
Your buddy is passing someone on the interstate, you're in the passanger seat yelling, "CAR HIGH!!!....CLEAR!!!"
You can get 12cans of beer, 4quarts Gatorade, and 8 sandwiches into a 14" cooler and NOT squash anything.
You think nothing of getting up at 4am, driving for 5 hours, sitting in a traffic backup for 3 hours, baking in the sun, spending 5 hours to get out of the parking lot, driving 5 hours home, getting up the next morning at 5am, going to work on 3 hours sleep, and telling everybody what a GREAT time you had!

--Even More--
Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a Nascar Driver Say
(Author Unknown)
#10 I would like to thank the Devil for my win today....
#9 - I lost because my pit crew is bunch of morons.
#8 - I could win 10 races a year too, if my sponsors weren't such a cheap bunch of......
#7 - I wouldn't feel safe, if it weren't for that restrictor plate.
#6 - You better put that down or Jeff Gordon will come over here and kick your butt.
#5 - My crew chief is an idiot.
#4 - Has anyone seen my Jerri-Curl?
#3 - We would have won, but Jesus loves Jeff Gordon more.
#2 - (In Winner's Circle) Talk Later, Pee NOW!
#1 - My car sucked today! We're taking a wrecking ball to it ASAP



[edit on 10/5/2006 by gimmefootball400]

More from were that came from--
Top Ten signs that you are at a Nascar fan's funeral.
(Author Unknown)

10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM Goodwrench paint scheme
9. The deceased is referred to as being out of provisionals
8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr.Jerry Punch
7. Amazing Grace is performed by a 9-year-old girl from Bristol, Tennessee
6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession
5. Hearse referred to as the pace car
4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
2. First time mourners have an orange stripe on the trunk of their car

and the number one sign you're at a NASCAR funeral
No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel

--MORE!?--

Fake vs. Real race fans

(Author Unknown)

FAKE RACE FAN vs. REAL RACE FAN

Arrives at track in a Volvo station wagon.
Arrives at track in a converted school bus.

Identifies his car with tennis ball stuck on the antenna.
Identifies his truck with an 8 x 12 Confederate Battle Flag.

Brings belongings in L.L. Bean tote bag.
Brings belongings in Jack Daniel's case.

Wears weejuns, chinos, and new Summer Lights visor.
Wears shower thongs, cut offs, and lucky Wynn's Friction-Proofing hat from '68 race.

Complains about having to wait in line at porta-john.
Brings his own.

Looks at the sky, and sees Carolina blue.
Looks at the sky and sees Petty blue.

Assumes that the chain link fence around infield is to protect fans from the cars.
Assumes chain link fence around infield is to protect the cars from fans.

Lunches on cream cheese and olive sandwiches.
Lunches on 48 piece bucket of Colonel Sanders.

Brings handi-wipes for cleanup.
Thinks that's why tee shirts have sleeves.

Stops drinking while he is still in control.
Stops drinking while he throws up.

Listens to Chopin on Walkman.
Listens to Hank Williams, Jr. on jambox.

Envies fans watching race from condominiums.
Feels sorry for those watching the race in condominiums.

Gets into an argument with passerby about Bill and Hillary Clinton.
Gets into an argument with fans about Darrell Waltrip.

Says Indy 500 is a sporting classic.
Says Indy 500 is kinda like a road race.

Says most admired woman in racing is Shawna Robinson .
Says most admired woman in racing is Miss Winston.

Says that Richard Petty was unethical when he used an oversized engine.
Says Richard Petty just got caught.

Has nightmares about nuclear war.
Has nightmares about running out of beer.

Watches finish of race with binoculars.
Learns who won the race Monday morning at work.

--More Again?!--

TOP 10 LAWS OF AUTO RACING
(Author Unknown)
10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.
1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

You can't wait for next year to see what Soap powder your favorite driver has as a sponsor because the one he's got now keeps giving you a rash.

Ok, that was funny.

But what's NOT funny is the fuel they waste! My goodness, this country is at WAR and those boys are still using up the one precious resource that has this country's national interests in a tailspin.

Not to mention the contribution to yahooness sitting on the couch for six hours watching grown men run around in circles 500 times. The anticipation of inevitable crashes and injuries, even death. Then we can talk about the amounts of travel and transportation costs getting from track to track. Then Global Warming effects. Not to mention the example they set for the poor lonely kids who just want to play some catch with Dad. Instead, they get to get the dip and if they're lucky, open Mom's beer for her.

Sick, sick, sick. IMHO

psy

I'd add:

YMBANFI: You know the difference between wedge and stagger...
You spec your ride with an extra 30 feet of fuel line...
You think "King Richard" is the real 43...
You know that lasing a 0.003" groove in the bead seat is a 1/2 sec/lap...
You know that asymetrical shapes fly around corners...
You'd rather have Satan in your vent-mirror than Robbie Gordon...
You know "The Last American Hero" is Junior Johnson.
You know that fillin' a rad core with parafin is 1 sec/lap in qualifying...
You'd know that JPM is in for a world of hurt...
And that there can only ever be one "3".

Victor K.

40'

These are all excellent and reminds me why I got out of announcing at Race tracks...lol

You might be a Nascar fan if you think racing at Talladega and Daytona is rush hour at 190 mph. You might be a Nascar fan when you hear of the term "turkey walking" and you think Greg Biffle.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A NASCAR Driver Say.

This is from the John Boy & Billy Morning Show

10. You know...I just wouldn't feel safe without these restrictor plates.
9. Gee...the race doesn't start for another fivce minutes. I think I'll climb out of the car and sign a few autographs.
8. This new bodystyle seems to give our cars a distinct advantage over the competition. I think NASCAR should look into this immediately.
7. You know...it sure is good to see Jeff Gordon get a win after that long dry spell he's been going through.
6. Look--It's John Boy with a garage pass! Hey big guy--over here!
5. I sure wish Miss Winston would stop pinching me on the butt during driver introductions.
4. Gee guys...some of this stuff under the hood looks a little fishy to me. Let's get Gary Nelson over to take a look.
3. Those new t-shirts are a tad gaudy. Can we tone em down a little bit?
2. I'd like to thank the Prince of Darkness for my victory today

And the number one thing you'll never hear a NASCAR driver say...

1. Ford...Chevy...heck, what difference does it make, really?

Laughing so hard..i almost choked on my beer and pizza.
Boogity, boogity,boogity boys Let's go Racing!

LOL Very good Nascar jokes!

reply to post by psyopswatcher


The amount of fuel used by all NASCAR series and that includes regional touring and local short tracks in the full season is equivalent to the amount of fuel the nation uses in two seconds and there is no oil shortage.

RIP Dale Earnhardt

I got one.

You might be a nascar fan if you're a redneck.

Originally posted by The Scarecrow
I got one.

You might be a nascar fan if you're a redneck.

I ain't no redneck, dang it all.
No rednecks in the north, just the south.
Up here, we Hillbillies and dang proud of it.

Originally posted by AccessDenied

Originally posted by The Scarecrow
I got one.

You might be a nascar fan if you're a redneck.

I ain't no redneck, dang it all.
No rednecks in the north, just the south.
Up here, we Hillbillies and dang proud of it.

Ineresting, I thought you were always on the gothic side. Guess I was wrong.



edit to add that you must admit that that was pretty funny though...right?

[edit on 8-12-2008 by The Scarecrow]

[edit on 8-12-2008 by The Scarecrow]

reply to post by The Scarecrow


Here's what IAM!


www.youtube.com...

Seriously..Iam a NASCAR fan. And I can Hillbilly like the best of them around here, or I can glam up and paint the town red.
I can do it all.

reply to post by AccessDenied


Well, fortunately for me I haven't seen the bitch side of you. But, I have a question, can I actually start calling you the bts biotch? Not to be mean, but I think it's very very gangster that that's your title. Gangster in this case, means definition 4 which can be read here:

www.urbandictionary.com...

Minus the being a member of the mafia of course.

[edit on 8-12-2008 by The Scarecrow]

reply to post by The Scarecrow


The title suits me. So by all means. And how do you know I don't have MOB connections?

reply to post by AccessDenied


Well I'd imagine if you had mob connections you'd be too busy putting hits out on people instead of spending all your time on ats

But, I spend a lot of time here too. So I guess I have no room to talk.

[edit on 8-12-2008 by The Scarecrow]

[edit on 8-12-2008 by The Scarecrow]

reply to post by The Scarecrow


Only put hits out if you tick me off enough...CAPISCE?

reply to post by AccessDenied


Yes ma'am, ms almighty bts biotch with connections to the mob!



[edit on 8-12-2008 by The Scarecrow]