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Episode 2: The Trial of R. Kelly
Huey and Riley are walking down the street, Riley's carrying a "Free R. Kelly" sign. Thomas DuBois walks up to them.
DuBois: Hey boys! Walks up to them. I can't help but noticing your sign and I hope you boys aren't too upset about me having to prosecute Mr. Kelly.
Huey: Hey man, you do what you gotta do--
Riley (cutting off Huey): Why R. Kelly, huh?! What did R. Kelly do to you?
DuBois: He's accused of relieving himself on an underage girl on tape, which is against the law.
Riley: Okay, okay, okay. But let's examine this whole peeing thing. So I can pee in a toilet, and it's okay, but if I pee on a person, it's like, not okay?
DuBois: Well... umm, yeah.
Riley: Well, what if I'm peeing, and Huey's in the bathroom, and I accidentally pee on Huey? Should I go to jail?
Huey: What the hell would I be doing in the bathroom when you're in the bathroom?
Riley: Hold up, hold up. Remember when we used to sleep in the same bed when we was littler? From time to time I'd have a little "accident".
Huey: You still do.
Riley: Shut up! So, Mr. DuBois, Mr. I-wanna-lock-niggas-up-for-peein, what's the statute of limitations on bedwetting? Why not prosecute me and R. Kelly at the same time, huh?
DuBois: Now Riley, no one's going to prosecute you for bedwetting.
Riley: And you shouldn't. It's a natural bodily function, and now every nigga in the world gonna be scared to pee. I may never pee again!
DuBois: Riley, it was a little girl.
Riley: Oh, I seen that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.
Riley: Gary Coleman's little.
Riley: Mini-me's little.
Riley: And to the best of my knowledge, we ALL managed to avoid gettin peed on so far.
DuBois: But what about the victim?!
Riley: Oh yes, the victim. At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?
DuBois: I don't think that--
Riley: I see piss coming I move.
D Bois: Hmmm.
Riley: She saw piss coming she stayed.
Du Bois: Yeah she did but--
Riley: And why should I have to miss out on the next R. Kelly album just for that?!
Riley walks off.
Huey (looking at DuBois): Man, you just got beat by an 8-year-old.
Riley (yelling from off-screen): Aaaaand, if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on your cat!
I see piss coming I move