Terrorist Test, page 1

Something else I stole from IMAO

Frank Test for Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 08:26 AM

I had to travel by plane over the holidays, and that got me thinking about what are some actually effective ways to prevent terrorists from getting on board. Why not, instead of bothering me about my trusty pocketknife, they try to psychologically screen for terrorists using a short quiz.

Here is what I came up with:

TERRORIST TEST

QUESTION 1: What is your name?

Non-terrorists have names like Larry, John, or SpongeBob. If the person answers with "Mohammed" or the nickname "The Engineer," he's probably a terrorist.

QUESTION 2: Fill in the blank: I want to ____ Americans.

Terrorists will not be able to help themselves from completing the sentence with the word "kill". Non-terrorist foreigners will fill the blank in with "thank", "hug", or "kneel down before".

QUESTION 3: Fill in the blank: The ones to blame are the ____.

Non-terrorists will probably become confused by this question and leave it blank since they would need to know more information about the problem before being able to assign blame. Terrorists will instinctively fill in the blank with "JEWS!!!" or "jooooos!".

QUESTION 4: What is your opinion about the Crusades?

Most non-terrorist Americans’ knowledge about the Crusades will come exclusively from the beginning of the movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (or Robin Hood: Men in Tights), so one should be wary of any answer that doesn't mention Kevin Costner. Even if the person does know something about the Crusades, he or she will probably not have much of an opinion about it as it seems as relevant to modern life as the battle between Thag and Zork in 30,000 B.C. over who got to next paint a buffalo on the cave wall. Only dirty terrorists care about the Crusades.

MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION

The terrorist answer to all of these is D.

QUESTION 5:
Islam means ____.
A. peace.
B. submission.
C. That you are a "lam."
D. kill the Jews!!!

QUESTION 6:
Children should be
A. seen and not heard
B. cherished
C. given Ritalin
D. blown up

QUESTION 7:
If you got a new puppy, what would you name him?
A. Rover
B. Fluffy
C. GK Chesterton
D. Infidel... and then hang him

QUESTION 8:
The sun sets every night because of
A. the earth rotating
B. the earth revolving around the sun
C. the sun revolving around the earth
D. a Zionist conspiracy

QUESTION 9:
My parents want me
A. to be happy
B. to make something of myself
C. to get a job
D. to blow myself up in a crowded area

QUESTION 10:
At the end of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, I immediately thought
A. "What a great movie!"
B. "It could have been more faithful to the book."
C. "I need to pee."
D. "Kill the Jews!"

If the test reveals the person to be a terrorist, proper procedure should be for the ticket taker to pull out a gun and unload it into the person while shouting, "Take that, you dirty terrorist!" I know that if I see a terrorist gunned down in front of me just before boarding the plane, I'll feel much safer.