X-FOLKS: The Epic Saga of Maw & Paw
Chapter One: The Nam-Nazi War
"Paw, tell me about the war," Sonny asked as I poured myself a nice tall glass of Wild Turkey. I sighed, set it down, half-full, and stared off into
the distance before speaking.
"War's hell, Sonny," memories flooded back like a lemon juice rubdown after being hit by shrapnel, but the boy had to know, despite the horror of
it all. "Yer Uncle Doc died in the war. I remember like it was yesterday...
"It was 1945, and a war took place that most ain't never heard of. The government tried to cover it up; they still send in the snipers every now and
then, but Maw lets 'em have it good. I was secretly drafted into a war called the Nam-Nazi war. Nazis had infiltrated parts of Vietnam, and yer Uncle
Sam was madder than a squirrel without a tail.
So we were dropped in behind enemy lines with only a swiss army knife and a roll of toilet paper--damned water. Well soon as we touched down, five of
us landed on mines cause that moron pilot made a miscacalation or somethin’. That only left me, Doc, and the twins we met on the plane--Maw an’ I
hadn't met yet.
Our objective: take out the communications base so that they couldn't radio for more o’ them Nazis. Then they’d air drop a case of something
called nitro to us later.
“Well, we headed through the jungle until Doc heard footsteps in the brush. Sure
enough, thirty ninja-Nazis leaped out of a bush all at once.
'What was all you fellers doin’ in the same bush in yer pajamas,' I asked.
'Never mind that,' they replied 'now we beat you!'
Well, Sonny, I wasn't gonna let no Nazis talk to me that way! I took out my toilet paper and my knife. Using the steel from my knife and a
conveniently placed piece of flint, I ignited my TP and threw it at him shouting 'Take that, you ninja-Nazi bastard!' an’ he burst into flames,
then exploded, taking out ten more.
Doc saw me do that, and copied me, melting eleven more.
'Haha!' They shouted, 'Now you have no more toilet paper!'
But we did have the twins, who were very good at tumbling and gymnastics. An’ I bet you never knew ol' Doc was an eight-pin champine! Yessir, he
grabbed a twin, using her mouth and nose for finger holes, and split them right down the middle. Two were left, with a large open space between them,
and they brandished swords. So I took out the magnifying glass on my knife. Using the sun, I melted them both to a crispy shell.
"Well Doc and I continued down the trail, and a few days later we were very cranky and irritable, cause we had no toilet paper and the uglier twin.
So it weren’t no surprise when we tore apart that platoon of panzers that came roaring through. But after destroying so much, one leaves a trail. We
were only one more mile from the base when our trail was picked up. We woke up to find two thousand blonde-haired, blue eyed, Vietnamese starin’
straight at us. I had to think fast, meanwhile the twin listened to her radio.
'Hey,' shouted the lead Nazi, 'aren't you der vun's trying to blow up der base?'
What could I do? It was almost time to panic, but then I noticed the radio.
'No,' I said, 'You have it mixed up! I want to PUMP up the base!'
I grabbed the radio and turned the volume up full blast, jumped on a nearby tank, and began to dance. Doc and the twin joined us, and soon everybody
was having a swell time. After a while, the party got kind of out of hand, out there in the woods. So, I suggested it was getting’ late, and that we
move it inside. That suited them fine, and someone—I think it was Doc—suggested the base and everyone cheered.
“Needless to say, Sonny, it was trashed within hours. With the whole Nazi army in Vietnam hung over, I made my escape with Doc, but the twin opted
to stay. Well we
waited at the Ell-Zee and got back ok, I guess. Unless you count the fact that the nitro landed on Doc and killed him while we waited for the rescue
"Yeah, Sonny, it was a hell of a war..." I took a shot of whiskey and sat back. Sonny still just stared at me with a lopsided grin on his face.
"Well where did you and Maw meet?" Damned kid; he was too full of questions. I sighed and set the glass down once again.
"Well, after the base was cleared, we was supposed to go in and destroy the ammo dump that the Nazis used to refuel and resupply. But first we needed
reinforcements. The twin ran off with a pilot from Guam, and I needed help. So the chopper took me to another platoon, where the supplies were better.
There, leading the men into combat, was the meanest, butchest, buffest woman you ever did see. She even had a five o'clock shadow, and I knew at once
I was in love.
We stormed that jungle together, quieter than a cat with no feet, and made it right outside the dump. I carried the chain gun, and Bernie, the ammo
carrier seemed to have caught malaria or something, cause his skin got kinda wrinkly and yellow colored.
Anyways, the first wave was terrible, everyone but Maw and I was killed. The Nazis surrounded us, whistling Wagner tunes. Maw taped two RPG-7s
together for her left hand, and carried the chain gun in her right. I had a double-barreled shotgun, a bowie knife, and only one shell. It was time to
kick some serious Nazi-ass.
We jumped up on the ridge and there were hundreds of Nazis ahead. Fortunately, they were very close together and Maw let the rockets fly. The rockets
fired, but didn't release and it tore her arm clear off. But it sure did waste a lot of them buggers, hah!. I got hit by a stray bullet and fell
back. Maw sprayed the Nazis with gunfire and killed most of them. When she ran out of ammo, there were still two machine gun nests left on opposite
sides of the camp.
I grabbed my bowie knife and jumped up. There was a barrel of airplane fuel by each nest, but I only had one shell. So I pointed the barrel between
the two nests and held my knife in front, like this, and fired. The knife cut the shell in half before it broke and both halves hit the fuel, taking
out both machine gun nests and killin’ them suckers dead.
By this point, Maw was bleeding pretty bad, so I started to dress the wound, when a Nazi gunship comes out of the sky with guns a blazin'. So I dodge
the bullets until he's only twenty feet away, and maybe twenty feet high, then throw the knife, like this, and hit the pilot. He falls over dead, and
before anyone could grab control of the chopper it fell into the ammo dump. BLAMMO! The ammo dump was utterly destroyed.
"When the rescue chopper picked us up, they found us like when you walked in on us last Tuesday. Anyways, Maw was taken to a hospital, and that’s
how she got that bionic arm. We were married the day after the operation, and then flown to D.C. to meet the President.
'You two have saved the world as we know it,' he said. 'What can we ever do to repay you?'
I suggested he lower taxes but he just laughed and told me how funny that was. So I settled for a secret prototype of the Lamborghini Diablo. Maw
wanted to be able to pickup cable in her arm. So the President fixed us up and even threw in a nice little condo in New York.
"That, Sonny, is the story of the Namnazi War." I refilled my glass with more whiskey and settled back, letting the ice clink against the glass.
"Gee, Paw, that must be how you won the World Racing Cup." Sonny suggested. "It was the car, right?"
"Nope, it was the shoes," I replied, but Sonny stared at me in confusion. "Oh well, I guess I'd have to explain someday. Well see maw and I were
in Tibet once and..."
(stay tuned for Chapter Two, The Revenge of the Tibetan Monks)
[edit on 4/15/2005 by thelibra]
[edit on 4/15/2005 by thelibra]