Softball with AugustusMasonicus: Season III

With the rising instances of violence perpetrated against Asians I thought it would be good if ATS had a little occur right here. Verbally, of course, because I technically can't punch any of you in the face despite my fondest desires to do so on a daily basis.

Our guest today is a highly infectious person hailing from the great state of Wisconsin where she can always be found driving in the left lane at 40 MPH with her blinker on, please welcome JAGStorm.

AM: What kind of dog do you have (Yellow Lab, Black Lab, Wuhan Lab, etc.) and what does it taste like?

JS: I have a Poodle mix. Unlike AM I don’t practice CENSORED (holy **** this was a messed up comment, I don't like animals that much)), so I don’t know what it tastes like. On a more serious note, it has been proven pigs are smarter than dogs, and even some small children. Most have no qualms eating pork. Humans are funny like that. Don’t even get me started on Octopus. I think it should be illegal to eat such a creature. Yes, it is delicious, but soo soo wrong.

AM: How many Americans have you sneezed on?

JS: You funny guy. None, and people that sneeze without covering or doing so in their elbow should be put in a sneezing prison with other people that don’t have basic human decency.

AM: Why do you hate the letter 'L'?

JS: No I don’t, and oddly, everyone that speaks English as a second language that I know can pronounce L’s just fine. They all have a problem with Z. Instead of Z, they pronounce it as a J sound. Instead of Zipper, it Jipper, or Pizza, it’s Pijja. I think it’s kinda cute. I have zero Asian accent, and actually can’t even imitate an Asian accent if I wanted to.

AM: Are you good at math and can you do things other people can't like divide by zero?

JS: Oh Lordy, this is a fun one. I am terrible at math, absolutely terrible… Shut Up DB!!! I did so poorly in math, a classmate that was in love with me always used to let me cheat off of him.

The most hilarious thing about me not being good at math is that every job I have had has been very math intensive. I have been a number cruncher for most of my career. It appears that being Asian and bad at math is still above average compared to the rest of the world. I even consulted at a bank for a stint. You want to know who isn’t good at math? Bank workers, especially the mortgage departments!! We are talking basic basic math! I even heard my boss who dealt with millions and millions say “math is hard”…

AM: Biggest misconception the average white person has about Asian Americans?

JS: There are so many I could write a book. But here are a few;

The biggest one, that we aren’t Americans. This really chaps my hide. People see an Asian looking face and automatically assume we aren’t from here… My family has been here since the 1600’s. We are American as it gets, probably a lot more “American” than some of these M*F#’s asking me where I’m “from”.

Being told my English is sooooooooo good. I always say so is yours. That really confuses people.

There is also A big misconception about Asian women in general that they are submissive meek domestic little housewives. Ask anyone actually married to an Asian lady if they believe that stereotype. HA!! Most of us are a mix of both scary and crazy, and we also fight back. Submissive is the last adjective I would use for 99.9999% of us. And for the 10000000X time, WE DON’T LOVE YOU LONG TIME! We really DON’T!!!!! If I could sing, which I can’t, I would sing a song about Me don’t love you long time!!!

AM: Should we 'free Hong Kong' or just ignore the problem?

JS: This is so complicated. I think we can stay out of this one as the UK has invited HK peeps to take residency there. Thanks for taking one for the team UK!!!

Taiwan might be another story, but right now don’t we have enough problems? Probably not, we’ll see pretty soon.


 

AM: Which Asian culture is the most superior and why?

JS: Of course I have to say it’s my culture, KOREANS!! Hello BTS, Bulgogi & Kimchi. The real reason I would say Korea is that Korea is a small country and has been invaded over and over and over, yet still has kept its own identity. Even Genghis Khan tried to control Korea and failed!! So many times, others have tried to change Korea, yet for the most part they are the same people same culture. Oddly and sadly, it appears the most drastic changes are ones that are happening right now.

The most accurate picture of the Korean spirit was the movie Braveheart, remarkably similar sentiments. I have a deep fondness for Scottish people because they remind me so much of Koreans.

AM: Mai Jong or Go? (Dur, I spelled that wrong)

JS: I don’t know what Mai Jong is, but sounds like a flamboyant drink you and IAMTAT would share while appreciating artwork. It’s kinda gross that in my mind you two would be sharing a single straw, slurp slurp. If you are talking about the game MAHjong, yes I prefer that. My mother said Mahjong is the root of all gambling and forbade me to play it. Which of course, made me play it even more. There is something about the sound of the ivory tiles clicking that is like the original ASMR… clack clack click….I love that sound!!

AM: Best thing about living in Wisconsin?

JS: The people in Wisconsin are the politest drivers in the world. They are also the most unpretentious people. They don’t look fancy, they drink beer and eat cheese, but what you see is what you get. It sounds horrible, but it is absolutely refreshing. They also have a fascination with the paranormal, especially Bigfoot, Dogman, and the Beast of Bray Road. The people are the best thing about living in Wisconsin. It is also extremely beautiful here, but too cold to enjoy it most of the year. Fall is absolutely magical and spectacular here. If it were just a little warmer, this would be one of the most populated states.

AM: Time for a few Softballs... favorite food beside puppy?

JS: My favorite food, is food for thought…

As far as edible food, well well done steak without an ounce of moisture left, no I’m not kidding! I’m quite the foodie and enjoy many different foods. I lived in Europe for a good part of my childhood and went into culture shock when I came back to the States. The average everyday food most people eat is so terrible. I love high quality, natural foods prepared well. I prefer a smaller portion of quality food. I can’t eat anything from McDonalds or most fast food joints, it does not taste real to me.

AM: Favorite TV show?

JS: I have two.

Investigation Discovery Homicide Hunter with Joe Kenda. Although it is very morbid, his voice is so soothing, and that show can put me to sleep.

My other favorite show is Hoarders. This drives my family bonkers as they hate that show with a passion. I am somewhat of a minimalist and an absolute clean freak, so the way some of these people live is fascinating to me. It is absolutely disgusting but fascinating at the same time. I like that many of them do get help although I suspect some revert to their old ways. I find it so interesting that many of these people look clean, and the exterior of their houses look ok, but once inside, whammm pure abominable chaos. I have a feeling that many people have minds like that, some are even on ATS.

AM: Best film?

JS: Goodfellas hands down. It is one of the only movies I can watch over and over and enjoy it more each time. BTW, what the heck did Ray Liotta do to his face??? He looks exactly like the Grinch now!

AM: Music you enjoy?

JS: Easy, Hick hop………………jk

I don’t have a favorite genre; I appreciate all different forms of music. I love everything from Andre Bocelli to NIN…Closer… As much as I dislike Kanye the person, I enjoy some of his music. I really enjoy some weird non-conventional stuff like the sound of Ashokan Farewell too. I love Johnny Cash too, his music is just timeless.

AM: What are the chances of you teaching us the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique and how effective is it really?

JS: Nice try FBI/CIA nice try…

What is Five Point Palm Exploding Heart???? I have no clue, no clue at all. (Learn Grasshoppa)

But……. the rumor in the underground is that Bruce Lee was murdered using something similar on pressure points. There was some kind of beef with him and the Chinese Mafia, so they sent someone, and a little pressey pressey here and there and the legend was gone.

I do believe there are still a few people that harness these secret powers. All I know is my Daddy told me do not ever point my toe at a Buddhist Monk. He told me he watched a Buddhist Monk take out an entire group of GI’s like nothing, just like you see in the movies, except he saw it in real life.

AM: Who has a greater wall? The one in China or the one on that Trump built?

JS: Trump’s wall, here’s why, the Great Wall of China isn’t really a wall. Ok that’s just a technicality. Honestly, neither one is that great because neither really keeps unwanted people out.




This has been fun. I hope that these little tidbits helps everyone get to know me a little better. Maybe this will convince you even more that I’m a lovely Asian lady, and not a Morbidly obese white man from the South behind the screen. Or am I…. Isn’t the internet fun?! Muah!

I'll tell you what, I learned absolutely nothing about Asian culture today that I didn't already know from the correct stereotypes I was taught by my family and friends. What I did learn is that when someone on the internet tells you that they aren't a fat dude that they are in reality a fat dude (thanks DB, for that life lesson from all those years ago).

JAG, thank you for joining us today and for your participation in getting this thread revived from the well-warranted slumber it was in. Your parting gift today is a serving of well done beef and broccori with a side of flied lice.

Until next time. If there is one...

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!

As far as edible food, well well done steak without an ounce of moisture left

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Almost had it

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Weird. 20 minutes after reading this the first time...I was hungry for more.
Great interview, you two.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Weird. 20 minutes after reading this the first time...I was hungry for more.
Great interview, you two.

Be careful, DB had some of his own 'Asian violence' this morning and blamed it on the kitty chow mein he had last night.

I have to say that I've learned a great deal about the Asian people.
I feel a lot better now about being conquered.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

I feel a lot better now about being conquered.

I'm really looking forward to those re-education summer camps. Going to be a nice break.

originally posted by: FauxMulder

originally posted by: IAMTAT

I feel a lot better now about being conquered.

I'm really looking forward to those re-education summer camps. Going to be a nice break.

I'm growing my hair extra-long so I qualify for the Wig-making classes.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Censorship from Augustus..............

I did break the machine!!

a reply to: FauxMulder

As far as edible food, well well done steak without an ounce of moisture left

Mmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmm
Something about those burnt parts.

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: FauxMulder

As far as edible food, well well done steak without an ounce of moisture left

Mmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmm
Something about those burnt parts.

Yea, and all that juicy blood coming out too!

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: FauxMulder

As far as edible food, well well done steak without an ounce of moisture left

Mmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmm
Something about those burnt parts.

Oh my dear God.

Well done steak?

Obviously a North Korean plant here to destroy 'Merka.

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Censorship from Augustus..............

I did break the machine!!

He likes to think of this more as a 'Humiliation Passport'.

JAGS...you did a great interview.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Censorship from Augustus..............

I did break the machine!!

He likes to think of this more as a 'Humiliation Passport'.

JAGS...you did a great interview.

I don't read Korean, so I couldn't understand most of the interview.

originally posted by: DBCowboy

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Censorship from Augustus..............

I did break the machine!!

He likes to think of this more as a 'Humiliation Passport'.

JAGS...you did a great interview.

I don't read Korean, so I couldn't understand most of the interview.

I'm not fluent...but, basically, they were terms for surrender.

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: FauxMulder

As far as edible food, well well done steak without an ounce of moisture left

Mmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmm
Something about those burnt parts.

A little well-done for my taste.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Excellent interview !!!!

Congratulations ! Your recovery time frame is between 24 hours and 32 days.

Everything will be just fine 😃

I loved this interview, so interesting and so much fun!