Hillary: The Bride of Clintonstein Returns

Hillary: The Bride of Clintonstein Returns �
Norman Liebmann
Aug. 19, 2002

[It just isn't America without at least one of the Clinton parasites sucking the nation's blood and tearing at the sinews of America's enterprise. Once again, it's Hillary's turn to sink her fangs into America's carotid artery to the tune of approximately $40,000 in tainted scrip from ImClome. ImClome is the same company from which Martha Stewart, the delicatessen diva and zillionaire scullery-maid-on-horseback, saved a bundle by dumping 4000 shares of its stock the day before it went worthless, and left herself at risk of being indicted for insider trading. The enterprising Ms. Stewart may already be assembling recipes for a new cookbook on prison cuisine to be called "One Thousand Ways to Prepare Slop."]
Telling a New Yorker he made a mistake is definitely a job for a volunteer, but, as it is the place I was born and raised, I feel an obligation to advise the good folks who live there as to a few things about that albatross that they hung around their collective neck when they elected Hillary Clinton as their Senator.

As much as any state in the Union, New York is populated by overachievers and pragmatists, supposedly not susceptible to political con artists who show up periodically with a bottle of snake oil and a spiel designed to pound sunshine up their asses. More than ever, this gullibility resulted in their shooting crap with their state's future. The grim reality of this calamity will be brought home after The Empire State is renamed The Welfare State, and on the pedestal in New York Harbor the Statue of Liberty is replaced with the Statue of Hillary, bearing the revised inscription, "Send me your illegal aliens - longing to breed free." Hillary is already giving New York (and the nation) a more intense brand of financial hernia.

There is a growing conviction in this nation, the only thing worse than being from Arkansas is marrying someone from Arkansas. Consequently, outside of New York, the low level of esteem in which Hillary Clinton is held is located somewhere between a subterranean garage and a paint locker in the main cargo hold of the Titanic. Hillary has a naturally strident inelegance, and her emotional fuse is listed in The Guinness Book of Short. It did not aid Bubba's political career that she was frequently caught on camera giving the first robin of spring "the finger", and still exhibits a personality that seems to have been suspended too long on a wire hanger.

Hillary Clinton has become a magnet for two separate and distinct kinds of hostility: deserved and completely justified. (It is reported on one occasion she was teasing her hair and it bit her.) A charitable description of her is "Leona Helmsley with PMS." In the White House, staff members referred to her, less that affectionately, as "The Iron Yenta."

An ardent feminist, HRC ("Her Royal Clintonness") believes a woman's place is not in the kitchen. Anyone who has been a feminist's guest for dinner will be eager to corroborate it. Some members of NOW, (National Organization of Wombats) have declared Hillary Clinton the most profound mentality to address them since Wilma Flintstone. She considers herself empowered to speak for all of humanity because she has a university degree. (She is remembered there as the Ilse Koch of Wellesley.) Educational standards being what they are since Affirmative Action was implemented, these days, in the Ivy League, you can get your doctorate for helping someone put up a circus tent.

Hillary feels much reassured by the fact that she is a lawyer. Should an investigation ever prove Vince Foster met his end by foul play, she stands ready, on behalf of her husband, to file America's first "Rightful Death" suit. (No one will be surprised if, like Clinton's dog, Buddy, Vince Foster ends up stuffed and mounted in a display case in the Clinton Library.) Besides being an attorney, Hillary is also a circuitous businessperson. Not only did she devise a shifty scam for making a hundred grand in cattle futures overnight, but it was her idea to turn the Lincoln bedroom into a garage apartment.

Her most identifying characteristic is her toughness. A former maid reported, Hillary would torment a snapping turtle, and then use it to pluck her eyebrows. Hillary has been under a cloud of suspicion ever since she asked the CIA if there is any way to shred fingerprints, but she still manages to stay one subpoena length ahead of the posse. Whenever accused, Hillary has been known to spring to her own defense. At a meeting of a woman's group, she represented herself as a sweet, caring, unassuming sort of person. A SWAT team broke in and charged her with filing a false report.

To prove she has been unfairly pilloried in the press, HRC has produced a note from the people she caused to be fired from the White House Travel Office, thanking her for changing her mind about having them executed. It is one of Hillary's superstitions that it's good luck to deprive someone of his livelihood during any week that has a day in it. It was recently revealed, after examining her heart, a prominent cardiologist went on record as saying, "It is not any kind of metal I'm familiar with."

Here follows more than anyone wants to know about Hillary Rodham Clinton:

Early in life it was clear Hillary did not inspire affection. Even as a child, she did not have "friends." The family would tell her, "Go out to the schoolyard and play with your accomplices!" Whenever she turned on the television set, Rocky and Bullwinkle would turn it off from the inside. Santa quit coming down the Rodham chimney after Hillary bit him on the ankle. It was this occurrence that prompted the neighbors to begin calling her "Cujo."

It is no secret that Hillary badgers everyone relentlessly until she gets her own way, which may explain why her favorite album is, Barbra Streisand Nags Cole Porter. (In an egomaniacal impulse, she instructed that in her official White House gallery portrait she be depicted with Eleanor Roosevelt carrying her piggyback.) Hillary says she doesn't take criticism personally, but likes to dial up Matt Drudge in the dead of night, and in an accent fraught with Teutonic menace, taunt, "You have relatives back in Arkansas, nicht wahr?"

Having failed to deliver the nation's health care to Hillary's sinister applications, lock, stock and stethoscope, she insisted Bill turn the national defense over to her. Thus, it was touch and go that the entire armed forces would have been obliged to face a firing squad for failing to march in step with her. It's said, she concurred in Bill's military policy of "Don't ask - Don't tell - Don't laugh", but would have gone a step further by appointing a gay Chief-of-Staff. It's rumored her top candidate for the post was Richard Simmons, who might have rallied his troops by saying, "I would have been at the battle, but I didn't have a thing to wear."

It was Hillary who "suggested" to the head of the laboratories at Los Alamos to equip each soldier with an atomic wand. (At the moment they were too busy following Bill's orders to gift-wrap American nuclear secrets for shipment to China.)

Working in the Clinton White House was not exactly a summer in the country. The main objective was to keep from running into HRC. When they knew she was prowling the corridors it was as though the cobalt bomb had been dropped. The building would still be standing, but the people would have all gone bye-bye. One was wise never to be candid with her. Once, she asked a Presidential aide for his honest opinion, and she got it. (He's resting now.)

It was an important protocol never to make comments about HRC's "gams", to which she is more than slightly allergic. The official White House photographer was on "Red Alert" never to take full-length photos of her, since the lady has legs that go down to the floor and look like they forgot their way back. Brunswick makes bowling pins that are shapelier.

Contrary to the conventional wisdom, Hillary is not jealous of Bill's sex life. She just wants to get in on it. Whatever Bill and Hillary once saw in each other has been replaced by something they saw through each other. If they say "hello", it is considered a display of mutually misplaced affection. Still, whenever they go out in public, they are all shy glances and Styrofoam smiles - and always walk arm in arm. Spiders don't walk arm in arm as much, and God gave them more arms to do it with.

These days, the Democrat Party spin merchants go into emergency session every twenty minutes to re-surface Hillary's "image." The Clinton White House maintained a special corner for her called The Tantrum Room, where Hillary could threaten to hold her breath until Bill agreed to send troops somewhere or other. (The Tantrum Room is right across the hall from the Disappearing/Reappearing Billing Records Room.)

And while the subject abides: in the world of serial smoke screens of self-exoneration in which the Clinton Administration operated, a classic was Hillary's mysteriously vanishing and, shall we say, "unvanishing", Rose Law Firm billing records. As no one will own up to putting them on the table in the White House living quarters, I think her New York constituents are entitled to finally decide for themselves how those fugitive documents got there from the list of choices that were offered by Clinton spinmeisters.
They:

[a] turned up
showed up
[c] popped up
[d] cropped up
[e] materialized
[f] coagulated
[g] congealed
[h] came about
[I] issued forth
[j] chanced to be
[k] emerged
[l] presented themselves
[m] compiled
[n] collected

This post was part of a special Halloween Homage to Orson Wells.
Jumping out from behind the server and shouting BOO!

debuted
[p] took root
[q] got in a knot
[r] occasioned
[s] happened along
[t] gathered
scraped together
[v] manifested
[w] bunched up
[x] peek-a-boo-ed
[y] fell from the mothership
[z] Houdini strikes again!

These are about as forthright a set of answers as anybody will ever get from anyone associated with the now defunct Clinton Administration.

Shakespeare said "There is something rotten in the state of Denmark." It is pronounced "Rodham" - and it is in the State of New York.

Norman Liebmann is a former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin; wrote and produced Chico and the Man, and created the characters for The Munsters (who are all named after his relatives) and a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. Please visit