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Hillary: The Bride of Clintonstein Returns

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posted on Aug, 26 2002 @ 04:59 PM
Hillary: The Bride of Clintonstein Returns
Norman Liebmann
Aug. 19, 2002

[It just isn't America without at least one of the Clinton parasites sucking the nation's blood and tearing at the sinews of America's enterprise. Once again, it's Hillary's turn to sink her fangs into America's carotid artery to the tune of approximately $40,000 in tainted scrip from ImClome. ImClome is the same company from which Martha Stewart, the delicatessen diva and zillionaire scullery-maid-on-horseback, saved a bundle by dumping 4000 shares of its stock the day before it went worthless, and left herself at risk of being indicted for insider trading. The enterprising Ms. Stewart may already be assembling recipes for a new cookbook on prison cuisine to be called "One Thousand Ways to Prepare Slop."]
Telling a New Yorker he made a mistake is definitely a job for a volunteer, but, as it is the place I was born and raised, I feel an obligation to advise the good folks who live there as to a few things about that albatross that they hung around their collective neck when they elected Hillary Clinton as their Senator.

As much as any state in the Union, New York is populated by overachievers and pragmatists, supposedly not susceptible to political con artists who show up periodically with a bottle of snake oil and a spiel designed to pound sunshine up their asses. More than ever, this gullibility resulted in their shooting crap with their state's future. The grim reality of this calamity will be brought home after The Empire State is renamed The Welfare State, and on the pedestal in New York Harbor the Statue of Liberty is replaced with the Statue of Hillary, bearing the revised inscription, "Send me your illegal aliens - longing to breed free." Hillary is already giving New York (and the nation) a more intense brand of financial hernia.

There is a growing conviction in this nation, the only thing worse than being from Arkansas is marrying someone from Arkansas. Consequently, outside of New York, the low level of esteem in which Hillary Clinton is held is located somewhere between a subterranean garage and a paint locker in the main cargo hold of the Titanic. Hillary has a naturally strident inelegance, and her emotional fuse is listed in The Guinness Book of Short. It did not aid Bubba's political career that she was frequently caught on camera giving the first robin of spring "the finger", and still exhibits a personality that seems to have been suspended too long on a wire hanger.

Hillary Clinton has become a magnet for two separate and distinct kinds of hostility: deserved and completely justified. (It is reported on one occasion she was teasing her hair and it bit her.) A charitable description of her is "Leona Helmsley with PMS." In the White House, staff members referred to her, less that affectionately, as "The Iron Yenta."

An ardent feminist, HRC ("Her Royal Clintonness") believes a woman's place is not in the kitchen. Anyone who has been a feminist's guest for dinner will be eager to corroborate it. Some members of NOW, (National Organization of Wombats) have declared Hillary Clinton the most profound mentality to address them since Wilma Flintstone. She considers herself empowered to speak for all of humanity because she has a university degree. (She is remembered there as the Ilse Koch of Wellesley.) Educational standards being what they are since Affirmative Action was implemented, these days, in the Ivy League, you can get your doctorate for helping someone put up a circus tent.

Hillary feels much reassured by the fact that she is a lawyer. Should an investigation ever prove Vince Foster met his end by foul play, she stands ready, on behalf of her husband, to file America's first "Rightful Death" suit. (No one will be surprised if, like Clinton's dog, Buddy, Vince Foster ends up stuffed and mounted in a display case in the Clinton Library.) Besides being an attorney, Hillary is also a circuitous businessperson. Not only did she devise a shifty scam for making a hundred grand in cattle futures overnight, but it was her idea to turn the Lincoln bedroom into a garage apartment.

Her most identifying characteristic is her toughness. A former maid reported, Hillary would torment a snapping turtle, and then use it to pluck her eyebrows. Hillary has been under a cloud of suspicion ever since she asked the CIA if there is any way to shred fingerprints, but she still manages to stay one subpoena length ahead of the posse. Whenever accused, Hillary has been known to spring to her own defense. At a meeting of a woman's group, she represented herself as a sweet, caring, unassuming sort of person. A SWAT team broke in and charged her with filing a false report.

To prove she has been unfairly pilloried in the press, HRC has produced a note from the people she caused to be fired from the White House Travel Office, thanking her for changing her mind about having them executed. It is one of Hillary's superstitions that it's good luck to deprive someone of his livelihood during any week that has a day in it. It was recently revealed, after examining her heart, a prominent cardiologist went on record as saying, "It is not any kind of metal I'm familiar with."

Here follows more than anyone wants to know about Hillary Rodham Clinton:

Early in life it was clear Hillary did not inspire affection. Even as a child, she did not have "friends." The family would tell her, "Go out to the schoolyard and play with your accomplices!" Whenever she turned on the television set, Rocky and Bullwinkle would turn it off from the inside. Santa quit coming down the Rodham chimney after Hillary bit him on the ankle. It was this occurrence that prompted the neighbors to begin calling her "Cujo."

It is no secret that Hillary badgers everyone relentlessly until she gets her own way, which may explain why her favorite album is, Barbra Streisand Nags Cole Porter. (In an egomaniacal impulse, she instructed that in her official White House gallery portrait she be depicted with Eleanor Roosevelt carrying her piggyback.) Hillary says she doesn't take criticism personally, but likes to dial up Matt Drudge in the dead of night, and in an accent fraught with Teutonic menace, taunt, "You have relatives back in Arkansas, nicht wahr?"

Having failed to deliver the nation's health care to Hillary's sinister applications, lock, stock and stethoscope, she insisted Bill turn the national defense over to her. Thus, it was touch and go that the entire armed forces would have been obliged to face a firing squad for failing to march in step with her. It's said, she concurred in Bill's military policy of "Don't ask - Don't tell - Don't laugh", but would have gone a step further by appointing a gay Chief-of-Staff. It's rumored her top candidate for the post was Richard Simmons, who might have rallied his troops by saying, "I would have been at the battle, but I didn't have a thing to wear."

It was Hillary who "suggested" to the head of the laboratories at Los Alamos to equip each soldier with an atomic wand. (At the moment they were too busy following Bill's orders to gift-wrap American nuclear secrets for shipment to China.)

Working in the Clinton White House was not exactly a summer in the country. The main objective was to keep from running into HRC. When they knew she was prowling the corridors it was as though the cobalt bomb had been dropped. The building would still be standing, but the people would have all gone bye-bye. One was wise never to be candid with her. Once, she asked a Presidential aide for his honest opinion, and she got it. (He's resting now.)

It was an important protocol never to make comments about HRC's "gams", to which she is more than slightly allergic. The official White House photographer was on "Red Alert" never to take full-length photos of her, since the lady has legs that go down to the floor and look like they forgot their way back. Brunswick makes bowling pins that are shapelier.

Contrary to the conventional wisdom, Hillary is not jealous of Bill's sex life. She just wants to get in on it. Whatever Bill and Hillary once saw in each other has been replaced by something they saw through each other. If they say "hello", it is considered a display of mutually misplaced affection. Still, whenever they go out in public, they are all shy glances and Styrofoam smiles - and always walk arm in arm. Spiders don't walk arm in arm as much, and God gave them more arms to do it with.

These days, the Democrat Party spin merchants go into emergency session every twenty minutes to re-surface Hillary's "image." The Clinton White House maintained a special corner for her called The Tantrum Room, where Hillary could threaten to hold her breath until Bill agreed to send troops somewhere or other. (The Tantrum Room is right across the hall from the Disappearing/Reappearing Billing Records Room.)

And while the subject abides: in the world of serial smoke screens of self-exoneration in which the Clinton Administration operated, a classic was Hillary's mysteriously vanishing and, shall we say, "unvanishing", Rose Law Firm billing records. As no one will own up to putting them on the table in the White House living quarters, I think her New York constituents are entitled to finally decide for themselves how those fugitive documents got there from the list of choices that were offered by Clinton spinmeisters.

[a] turned up
showed up
[c] popped up
[d] cropped up
[e] materialized
[f] coagulated
[g] congealed
[h] came about
[I] issued forth
[j] chanced to be
[k] emerged
[l] presented themselves
[m] compiled
[n] collected

This post was part of a special Halloween Homage to Orson Wells.
Jumping out from behind the server and shouting BOO!
[p] took root
[q] got in a knot
[r] occasioned
[s] happened along
[t] gathered
scraped together
[v] manifested
[w] bunched up
[x] peek-a-boo-ed
[y] fell from the mothership
[z] Houdini strikes again!

These are about as forthright a set of answers as anybody will ever get from anyone associated with the now defunct Clinton Administration.

Shakespeare said "There is something rotten in the state of Denmark." It is pronounced "Rodham" - and it is in the State of New York.

Norman Liebmann is a former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin; wrote and produced Chico and the Man, and created the characters for The Munsters (who are all named after his relatives) and a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. Please visit

posted on Aug, 29 2002 @ 08:41 PM
It completely blows my mind that New Yorkers actually elected her. No matter what issues she stood on or what party she was from, it was completely obvious that she was simply using the senatorial position in New York as a stepping stone to loftier heights.

And yet, they still voted for her.

posted on Aug, 29 2002 @ 09:42 PM
*wiping tears of laughter away* That was a great post!
Honestly, even my democrat friends down here in Alabama wonder what in the heck New Yorkers were thinking. Even the ones who voted for Bubba twice, and would vote for the bum again!

posted on Aug, 29 2002 @ 10:25 PM
I'm still laughing at it.I would like to know what New Yorkers were thinking.What really pissed me off was how un-fazed,and cold she seemed after9/11.You can't blame Bill for cheating either,can you imagine being married to that thing.What a nightmare.

posted on Aug, 29 2002 @ 10:28 PM
yeah, I almost feel sorry for Slick Willy, naah. I know what you mean, TC, my demsy friends wonder the same exact thing.

posted on Sep, 3 2002 @ 12:45 PM
For openers, besides the NY info, I'm also a Centrist. I would love to see the rise of alternate political choices besides Demoscats or Repugs. I also believe working for change from within is the only viable option, and being of a 'party' is for idiots. Being a party loyalist removes the 'what's best for my country' question from the voters mind and replaces it with 'how can my candidate win'. The best person for the job becomes a tougher selection; case in point - the Bush Crime Family stole the nomination from my choice, John McCain.
The choice was between H.Clinton and Rick Lazio. Lazio proved himself to be everything wrong with the Repugs, nothing but a party robot void of thought. Again, they have a proven leader in Congressman Peter King, but the Repugs choose another Howdy Doody in Lazio. Hillary has proven to be an excellent Senator for my state; the author of the above article seems to be another Right Wing Clinton Cock sniffer.
I'll rail against both parties, but the Repugs are showing complete idiocy by their choice to overlook true leaders in the party like King, McCain and Specter and instead back these fools like Quayle, Bush(2), and Lazio who are glued to the Christian Fundamentalist & Big Business teat.

posted on Sep, 3 2002 @ 08:45 PM
Funny, I haven't seen you rail against both parties, only the republicans.

But, let's get the record straight, shall we?

Nobody stole anything from McCain. It was the left-wing media that fell all over McCain and touted him to be the man, in hopes of stopping Bush. The real numbers were not there. Ass a matter of fact, the Bush 's did not steal, nor do they have the backing to steal anything. If anything was going to be stolen by anyone, it would be stolen by the party that has the full backing of the media.

The rest of your "rant" isn't worth rebuffing, and also proves you not to be a centrist (is that another word for "moderate", which is code for fence-sitting, and letting others lead you), but a clear liberal.

try not to use bad language, if you need to relieve yourself, do it in your toilet and not on the site for all to have to inspect. If you want to insult the right-wing, that's your ignorant choice, but try and be a different kind of liberal; one that doesn't have to type crap.

posted on Sep, 4 2002 @ 09:19 AM
Or does Conservative mean that a finite number of considerations will only be acknowledged? Such narrow definitions for such a dynamic world.

Ive voted Republican and was set to vote Republican in 2000 for McCain; what dont you understand? You evidently feel that dissent against your erroneous viewpoints is only mustered by Left Wing Liberals, pity, it proves your ignorance. Please excuse me for not wearing your label as you apply it. A Centrist is a person who, at least in our system of government, weighs both camps and makes an educated decision based on merit, hence my desire to vote McCain, not Gore, after voting Clinton twice. McCain had the voting record & policy history that would have clearly improved on the previous 8 years, not sink it to ruin on all fronts as Bush is doing. Mr. Bush in his two terms leading Texas, put the state near or at the top of the list for worst states in the Union in almost every category applicable.

If being lead is something someone is guilty of, it obviously is you, as your My Party Right Or Wrong rebuttal indicates.
Ill get around to my desire to see Ralph 'Nadir' tarred & feathered when the subject permits, or is my center stance required to blast to all compass points for every topic to maintain your labeling system?
My apologizes if I offended your delicate sensibilities, I assumed were all adults here. I also apologizes for my hatred of Big Government sticking their nose where it doesnt belong and wasting MY money, as they did in wasting $70 million investigating a marital infidelity that is and was the sole providence of THEIR marriage, not public record. A news flash: people cheat on their spouses! I can tell of numerous church going individuals, from Corporate Icons to the Systems Engineer in your IT department, who regularly bite the forbidden fruit. Get over it.

posted on Sep, 4 2002 @ 11:46 AM
The day where the US peoples will not vote anymore for the democrats ( specialy when they are like the " Cliton family " ), this day, will be a great 1. The USA will be finally safe.

Slogan 1 : " Do a good action for you country, vote Rep ! "

Slogan 2 : " Do a good action for you country, kill a Dem each day ! "

Slogan 3 : " Want to see your country
being a new third-world country ? Vote
Dem. ! "

Slogan 4 " Want to give all your money to your gov' ? Ok, vote Dem, you'll not regret it. We'll take all your money and you'll be poor. "

posted on Sep, 4 2002 @ 12:34 PM
....I'll have what the Phoenix is smoking! Been a while since college, but if it's that good, I gotta have some!

posted on Sep, 4 2002 @ 05:02 PM
You don't like basic proselitism ?

Slogans are goods. It's working well." Kill them all ", " nuke them all ", " vote for X ", " don't vote for Y ".... Peoples like basic things...

posted on Sep, 14 2002 @ 08:03 AM
Look BT,

A " basic " propaganda picture.

Picture link

posted on Aug, 20 2003 @ 12:53 PM
......nice to see the tides have turned, even though GOP style cronyism has bitten the mod process!

Z-Ball Breakin' has garde!

posted on Aug, 20 2003 @ 02:39 PM
Wow I forgot all about this post.......

Thanks for digging it up, I needed a good chuckle.

posted on Aug, 20 2003 @ 02:58 PM
Just so you all know... as a New Yorker I feel I have to remind everyone that Hillary was no one's first choice for the Senate. Had Rudy stayed in the race I believe he would have won (pre-9/11 too). He at least is a New Yorker not someone who just waltzed in from Arkansas for political purposes. Lazio on the other hand was terrible. No campaign platform of any validity, no debate skills (in fact hostile in debates which caused him much negative publicity) and nothing to him in general. As for her future ambitions... I always hear people saying "we must stop hillary from running for president" WHY? She's a horrible candidate, and would make a horrible president. People will figure this out and vote accordingly.

[Edited on 8-20-2003 by Djarums]

posted on Aug, 21 2003 @ 12:55 PM
...but what are your thoughts on Pete King? Lazio is a Karl Rove republican, that's why he got backed.

posted on Aug, 21 2003 @ 03:41 PM

Originally posted by ultra_phoenix
The day where the US peoples will not vote anymore for the democrats ( specialy when they are like the " Cliton family " ), this day, will be a great 1. The USA will be finally safe.

Slogan 1 : " Do a good action for you country, vote Rep ! "

Slogan 2 : " Do a good action for you country, kill a Dem each day ! "

Slogan 3 : " Want to see your country
being a new third-world country ? Vote
Dem. ! "

Slogan 4 " Want to give all your money to your gov' ? Ok, vote Dem, you'll not regret it. We'll take all your money and you'll be poor. "

Best slogan of all. "Do not vote for Democrats or Republicans unless you want to get screwed again."

posted on Aug, 22 2003 @ 03:15 AM
Well worth revisiting: Hill-arious stuff.

posted on Aug, 22 2003 @ 08:39 AM
Bout time, from the 4 or 5 times i've met Congressman King I have to say I respect him greatly for his ability to speak his mind without giving a damn what his party, or any party thinks of his opinions. It was nice to talk to someone who didn't guard his tounge out of fear of the party bosses.

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