How to handle single life?

a reply to: SlapTheGinkels

Since I'm single thats not a problem any more.
Man Cave is awesome however.
Not jealois at all.

a reply to: Cymru

I get a lot of yelling too. Ha.

I'm more or less out of the relationship with my wife. Together for 30 years, married for 28 years. Tried to work it out a couple of years ago. Just ended the same way. We're just separated right now, and not yet divorced. I don't know when and if we'll ever go the full divorce route; it's a seriously expensive pain-in-the-ass.

So far, the most useful thing I've done is just staying away from her and minimizing any contact at all.

I'm not a "people" person. I am friendly, to the point of gregariousness if necessary, but I find most humans to be ill-informed, if not outright stupid. So I strive to avoid human contact.

I only find human company necessary for a single purpose. And the downsides of having to go through the motions of establishing a relationship and then communicating with the partner outweigh the benefit.

However, apparently for me, some kind of human contact is necessary to stimulate sane thinking on my part. So I spend an inordinate amount of time on this website. To me it feels like I'm hanging out with a bizarre and somewhat dysfunctional family. And one upside to that is the fact that there are a lot of really smart people here that make me think.

I'm told that it gets easier with time. The first few months seriously sucked. But it's slowly getting easier. And I try to concentrate on the biggest benefit of the break-up: I'm not subjected to her constant negative cackling and nagging. Freedom has its benefits.




Hang in there!!

-dex

originally posted by: DexterRiley
I'm more or less out of the relationship with my wife. Together for 30 years, married for 28 years. Tried to work it out a couple of years ago. Just ended the same way. We're just separated right now, and not yet divorced. I don't know when and if we'll ever go the full divorce route; it's a seriously expensive pain-in-the-ass.

So far, the most useful thing I've done is just staying away from her and minimizing any contact at all.

I'm not a "people" person. I am friendly, to the point of gregariousness if necessary, but I find most humans to be ill-informed, if not outright stupid. So I strive to avoid human contact.





I only find human company necessary for a single purpose. And the downsides of having to go through the motions of establishing a relationship and then communicating with the partner outweigh the benefit.

However, apparently for me, some kind of human contact is necessary to stimulate sane thinking on my part. So I spend an inordinate amount of time on this website. To me it feels like I'm hanging out with a bizarre and somewhat dysfunctional family. And one upside to that is the fact that there are a lot of really smart people here that make me think.

I'm told that it gets easier with time. The first few months seriously sucked. But it's slowly getting easier. And I try to concentrate on the biggest benefit of the break-up: I'm not subjected to her constant negative cackling and nagging. Freedom has its benefits.

Hang in there!!

-dex

That's why I drink and stay away.

a reply to: Bluesma

I'm glad to hear you are out of a difficult situation. You've had some great advice so I'll just add:

Things will only get better from here on out. The nasty stuff is behind you and the future lies ahead. It may feel strange at first but give yourself time to readjust.

Glad to hear you have no financial worries. That's one problem less.

I don't want to stray too far from the OP's discussion, but I think the idea of a "private place" probably applies, to some degree, with both members of a relationship.

originally posted by: SlapTheGinkels
I'm married and in my 40's and the wife only "allows" me to drink once a week. If I have a drink on a day I'm not supposed to I have to stay in my "man cave", so basically I'm an alcoholic. Be happy friend.

I've had a "man cave" from day 1. It attribute my ability to endure my 30 year relationship ordeal to my "man cave."

Here are a few suggestions I would make to anyone considering this option:
1. Make sure it has a good lock with a limited set of keys; none of which are available to the spouse.
2. It should have an odor that you find acceptable, but the spouse finds to be disgusting.
3. While not a solid requirement, it should preferably be remote from the residence. If on the home property, it should be a detached building. That way the spouse has to battle possibly inclement weather to reach you. Otherwise a small office in the next city is ideal as that requires additional travel and fuel expenditure.
4. Be prepared to accidentally loose the cell phone, if necessary, to establish plausible deniability for ignoring her phone calls.

That's just a few of my requirements. Other people may have other needs that are necessary to accommodate their specific situation.



-dex

a reply to: Bluesma

Find comfort in this, which I discovered: no matter what it feels like now, you may eventually enjoy being single so much that you will not want to become attached again.

a reply to: Bluesma

I have one simple answer-sitcoms.

I've never been in a serious relationship in my life, sometimes I get lonely, depressed and doubt my self worth-but then I watch reruns of Cheers and then it all makes sense-life is a sitcom. You have ups and downs, sometimes you will laugh at others expense, sometimes people will laugh at your expense.

And as always remember that laughter can lead to learning-when you feel the need to laugh, you may be onto something.

a reply to: Bluesma

I remember your previous story regarding your relationship and was moved by it.

Being suddenly single can be overwhelming (I lost my wife to BC)...and you feel very lost and confused.

From experience...it really just takes time to enjoy your own life and become 'comfortable' with being on your own again.
It will happen.

Keep dating...but not with the goal of immediately finding your next life mate.
Really get to know other people...enjoy their company simply because they may have many differences from you.
In learning about them...you'll be amazed how much you'll learn about yourself.

'Suddenly single' can become a chance to really explore who you are.
You might even be surprised what you discover.

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

If you want to make sense of life, Watch re-runs of archie bunkers place along side cheers. If it's ups and downs you want you'll get all of that and more. haha

If you want more, add the jeffersons into the mix. They were awesome with their white racist commentary during the 70's. 'which most white people laughed at because they don't give a crap about that sh't'.

originally posted by: Bluesma

Havent as yet read through your thread, so sorry if I double up on anyone else's

advice. But been there, done that and earned the tee shirt....

I am really wishing I could get some advice or counsel on how to deal with being single late in life?

You are not being single late in life, you are in fact in your *prime.*

Some of you may have seen me lose it and spill my traumatic break down of my marriage here six months ago. Husband was living a secret life, started out saying it was only two years, but he leaks out the secrets slowly, dosing them as he thinks I can handle it. We're at 5 years now, and the acts of deception continue to grow. He is a sex addict, and I was willing to work on recovery with him, but he eventually decided it would be too big a challenge and has resigned himself to basically dedicating his life to the constant search for the next anonymous "fix" for the day.

I ended up having to sadly say goodbye, as I just found I couldn't live with this. Things are better in a sense - I have a place I love, I have a new job close enough to walk to, I am without worry financially. I am in better physical shape than I have been for years, I am running daily, going to the gym, eating healthy; I am not smoking nor drinking (two things I focused on staying away from since the whole traumatic thing happened, knowing there is way too much risk of abuse). I am nearer to my daughter and grandkids. I meditate and practice yoga daily, trying to be mindful, let go of the past, and move forward positively.

Professional advice I was given was to cut all ties as part of the psyche of that type

of person was to keep you enmeshed, where you were always looking/hoping that

things would go back to the way they were, that type of person feeds off that,

dangling hope in front of you.

On the other hand, relationships are complicated! With the ex, it is a mess. I am fine when I don't see him, get confused when I do. He is a confusing mess of "I love you, want you - don't want you because I'll hurt you" back and forth. He is very conflicted himself.

Oh...oh...oh.... see the above paragraph, My ex was hospitalised throwing the

guilt at me, thats when I took professional advice, and was told that is how they

got their own way in life, at others expense, playing the victim card nothing is

ever their fault. smh!

I went on dating sites out of curiosity, wondering what the heck my chance are of ever being with a man again. While in California (went home for a while) or in France, I was overwhelmed with the number of messages and pursuing each day. I ended up meeting a few. A couple of them were really great people, and really went through a lot to get to know me. I just didn't feel ready for any romance.

Not a good idea ..... I was divorced prior to the internet, and a local club was

advertising a start up of a club for single business like minded people to socalise

so I joined...... the first two men I bumped into I knew they were married, so I

asked them what they were doing there, and they mumbled something about things

not being good at home, only thing is their wives weren't aware that 'things were

not good at home!!!

About todays internet dating sites my daughter along with her daughter look at

them and see people many of who are lying on their status about age, and

being single with photographs at least 10 years old.

I have a group of girlfriends, english speakers (british and american) who have been supportive.
But they are mostly very busy with their own families and work. I feel lonely. I try to keep myself busy so I don't mull over my losses. I loved my husband very much, a part of me still does, so the depth of his deception and the loss of what once seemed wonderful is painful as hell still.

I know...I know... but in reality you didnt loose anything the deception was

always there only you did not know it, your dream has been destroyed.

He was the failing NOT you.

I don't know if I even want to find love one day, I am feeling now that being alone is preferable to the complications and
risks of love relationships. But I miss human contact with equals. - I mean, I can hug and kiss my grandchildren and children, but that is not the same.

I seem fine most of the time, but have moments when I just start crying. Usually when I am running or working out hard, as if the emotions are being released from my body. I think I'll be okay, I see a lot of progression, I am evolving personally.

JUst wanting to exchange with others who found themselves unexpectedly single after forty? Any advice, anecdotes, ideas, to offer me?

You are a strong woman, go forward dont look back there is life after divorce,

start doing whats on your bucket list.

Any thing specific I can help you with just inbox me ..... I have a novel inside me

thicker than Tolstoys *War and Peace* I have true stories that would make your

hair curl.

a reply to: Bluesma


Have been single since I was 47 (trust me it was way before that since he had a double life of major drug use.

I have absolutely NO desire to date. My sons’ fathers have all hit on me, I simply act like it didn’t happen.

Too many playas out there, and I cannot stand boring, bossy.

I am lucky though, I have my son who keeps me busy, a cat who keeps me company night and day, two best friends whom I adore, and my sister (who keeps looking for love only to get burned again and again).

I LOVE being single, Ive never been happier, but that is me.

You need friends, the most important thing. Don’t jump back into the River of deceit. Take your time, smell the roses, love yourself, dive into some hobbies or interests.

Being single sucks.
I do whatever I want.
All the time.
Sigh.


Sorry for everyone who went through hardship to get here, but it isn't the end of life. Just the beginning of a new one.

a reply to: BotheLumberJack


I’ll be 53 this month, and I’m happy to be alive

a reply to: KTemplar

Sweet!

a reply to: Bluesma

I have a hard time understanding the relationship of others sometimes.
I sympathize with your situation with the husband. That sort of thing is a world changer.

What I don't understand is how within six months you are dating again.
I don't think I could move on that quickly.
This is not a judgement of you, it's more of a suggestion.
Be alone for a bit.
Your mental wounds need to heal before you start again if for no other reason than the person you are dating.
A new relationship deserves a clean slate.

a reply to: Bluesma

It sounds like you are doing the right things.

It is the social life that is a little more difficult - and 'dating sites' may not be the answer.

Time will help, it's only been six months.

And if available to you in France perhaps Al-Anon family groups to help you deal with your issues (and your part of) around the addiction. Addition is a family disease. Al-Anon has wonderful literature in many languages for family and friends of addicts of all types.


In any case, this is a time for self-reflection and learning WHO YOU ARE. Take the time to do this internal work and you will choose a better partner, if that is for you, or perhaps just enjoy being single.

I know many, many women, women with diverse and satisfying social lives with people of both sexes and all ages who choose not to partner up.

My daughter, who is in her twenties and single by choice, when she is in Europe goes to the local pub or bistro daily. She doesn't drink, just has tea and a snake and just talks to the locals. She has developed in a short time these friend networks in the locales she regularly visits. She joins them for concerts, art shows and has friendly safe sex.

There are many avenues to build your social life, now that you are not (and I don't been to sound harsh) catering to a man. For myself, I had to work on discovering me without a man to make being with men possible in the context of a full social life.

No single person can meet all your needs. Get your needs met.

You're doing great. Life's an adventure n'est pas?

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: Bluesma


Have been single since I was 47 (trust me it was way before that since he had a double life of major drug use.

I have absolutely NO desire to date. My sons’ fathers have all hit on me, I simply act like it didn’t happen.

Too many playas out there, and I cannot stand boring, bossy.

I am lucky though, I have my son who keeps me busy, a cat who keeps me company night and day, two best friends whom I adore, and my sister (who keeps looking for love only to get burned again and again).

I LOVE being single, Ive never been happier, but that is me.

You need friends, the most important thing. Don’t jump back into the River of deceit. Take your time, smell the roses, love yourself, dive into some hobbies or interests.

Ditto on the kitty cat(s),

a reply to: Bluesma

I think it is best to focus on you and not even think about relationships. When you are ready to begin dating you should already be at the point where you feel peace with being on your own.

Then daye with the idea of having a good evening and nothing more, I think when people stop looking for the right person is when they come along.