It looks like you're using an Ad Blocker.
Please white-list or disable AboveTopSecret.com in your ad-blocking tool.
Some features of ATS will be disabled while you continue to use an ad-blocker.
originally posted by: DexterRiley
I'm more or less out of the relationship with my wife. Together for 30 years, married for 28 years. Tried to work it out a couple of years ago. Just ended the same way. We're just separated right now, and not yet divorced. I don't know when and if we'll ever go the full divorce route; it's a seriously expensive pain-in-the-ass.
So far, the most useful thing I've done is just staying away from her and minimizing any contact at all.
I'm not a "people" person. I am friendly, to the point of gregariousness if necessary, but I find most humans to be ill-informed, if not outright stupid. So I strive to avoid human contact.
I only find human company necessary for a single purpose. And the downsides of having to go through the motions of establishing a relationship and then communicating with the partner outweigh the benefit.
However, apparently for me, some kind of human contact is necessary to stimulate sane thinking on my part. So I spend an inordinate amount of time on this website. To me it feels like I'm hanging out with a bizarre and somewhat dysfunctional family. And one upside to that is the fact that there are a lot of really smart people here that make me think.
I'm told that it gets easier with time. The first few months seriously sucked. But it's slowly getting easier. And I try to concentrate on the biggest benefit of the break-up: I'm not subjected to her constant negative cackling and nagging. Freedom has its benefits.
Hang in there!!
originally posted by: SlapTheGinkels
I'm married and in my 40's and the wife only "allows" me to drink once a week. If I have a drink on a day I'm not supposed to I have to stay in my "man cave", so basically I'm an alcoholic. Be happy friend.
originally posted by: Bluesma
I am really wishing I could get some advice or counsel on how to deal with being single late in life?
Some of you may have seen me lose it and spill my traumatic break down of my marriage here six months ago. Husband was living a secret life, started out saying it was only two years, but he leaks out the secrets slowly, dosing them as he thinks I can handle it. We're at 5 years now, and the acts of deception continue to grow. He is a sex addict, and I was willing to work on recovery with him, but he eventually decided it would be too big a challenge and has resigned himself to basically dedicating his life to the constant search for the next anonymous "fix" for the day.
I ended up having to sadly say goodbye, as I just found I couldn't live with this. Things are better in a sense - I have a place I love, I have a new job close enough to walk to, I am without worry financially. I am in better physical shape than I have been for years, I am running daily, going to the gym, eating healthy; I am not smoking nor drinking (two things I focused on staying away from since the whole traumatic thing happened, knowing there is way too much risk of abuse). I am nearer to my daughter and grandkids. I meditate and practice yoga daily, trying to be mindful, let go of the past, and move forward positively.
On the other hand, relationships are complicated! With the ex, it is a mess. I am fine when I don't see him, get confused when I do. He is a confusing mess of "I love you, want you - don't want you because I'll hurt you" back and forth. He is very conflicted himself.
I went on dating sites out of curiosity, wondering what the heck my chance are of ever being with a man again. While in California (went home for a while) or in France, I was overwhelmed with the number of messages and pursuing each day. I ended up meeting a few. A couple of them were really great people, and really went through a lot to get to know me. I just didn't feel ready for any romance.
I have a group of girlfriends, english speakers (british and american) who have been supportive.
But they are mostly very busy with their own families and work. I feel lonely. I try to keep myself busy so I don't mull over my losses. I loved my husband very much, a part of me still does, so the depth of his deception and the loss of what once seemed wonderful is painful as hell still.
I don't know if I even want to find love one day, I am feeling now that being alone is preferable to the complications and
risks of love relationships. But I miss human contact with equals. - I mean, I can hug and kiss my grandchildren and children, but that is not the same.
I seem fine most of the time, but have moments when I just start crying. Usually when I am running or working out hard, as if the emotions are being released from my body. I think I'll be okay, I see a lot of progression, I am evolving personally.
JUst wanting to exchange with others who found themselves unexpectedly single after forty? Any advice, anecdotes, ideas, to offer me?
originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: Bluesma
Have been single since I was 47 (trust me it was way before that since he had a double life of major drug use.
I have absolutely NO desire to date. My sons’ fathers have all hit on me, I simply act like it didn’t happen.
Too many playas out there, and I cannot stand boring, bossy.
I am lucky though, I have my son who keeps me busy, a cat who keeps me company night and day, two best friends whom I adore, and my sister (who keeps looking for love only to get burned again and again).
I LOVE being single, Ive never been happier, but that is me.
You need friends, the most important thing. Don’t jump back into the River of deceit. Take your time, smell the roses, love yourself, dive into some hobbies or interests.