-- Pt 2 --
Standing in my doorway was Bear, covered in blood, soaking wet (just dripping) and shivering. I was so speechless I just stood there and froze!
"C'mon, man...let me in, dude!! I think the cops are after me!"
His statement shook me out of my stupor and I stepped aside and let him in. As soon as I shut the door I said "W-T-F, BEAR...How....what...What
happened to YOU, man????????"
I ran over to the window fully expecting to see a SWAT team advancing across my lawn in the darkness, but for now the coast was clear.
What followed was probably the funniest story I'd ever heard in my life! I think I actually hurt myself laughing, I was laughing so hard.
"Crys threw me through the window."
, Bear says, very matter of factly.
"WHAT??? Threw you through the window??? What window...your front window???"
, I reply.
"Dude, that window is like 8 FEET off the ground!!!"
he says, again very matter of factly. By now I'm getting him a towel so we can see if he's mortally wounded.
"Okay, wha..how..what the absolute fook happened????"
So Lurch and Bear were sitting around drinkin' and pretty soon they got to wrestlin'. One thing led to another and pretty soon Lurch had Bear in some
kind of an 'Airplane-spin' maneuver and hurled his stupid drunken ass right out the window onto the grass below!
"So that's how you got all cut up???"
, I ask.
"No, I got cut up from the thorn bushes.
", he says...again, so matter of factly, like it happens to everyone all the time!
"What thorn bushes?? You don't have any thorn bushes...do you??"
"No, the bushes down the street at one of the neighbors house."
, he says.
"WHAT? At the neighbors house...(chuckle)...what the fook were you doing in the neighbors bushes???? (snort/laugh) ...at 3am in the
, I ask, incredulously. Now I'm starting to crack up, because this is getting funny.
"I was looking for my dog"
"WHA....LOLOLOLOL....you were looking for your DOG???? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!"
"Yeah, Tsar (his crazy dog) jumped out the window and ran off, so I went looking for him so the dog catcher wouldn't get him"
"Why didn't you just take your car?"
, I ask
"Because I was locked out, and my keys were inside...and Crys wouldn't open the damn door.
Okay, so now I'm rolling in laughter!
So, how did you get all cut up??? And why are you soaking wet???? And...and...and...what the hell, man??? LOL"
Okay, look...here's what happened, okay?..."
he says (...finally)..."So, Crys and me were wrestlin' and she got pissed after I body slammed
her, so she tossed my ass out the window. As soon as I went through the window Tsar jumped out after me and took off. I tried to go get my car keys
but Crys locked the door and I couldn't get in and she wouldn't unlock it, so I went looking for Tsar on foot."
Yeah, go on...then what happened??
, I asked.
"Well, a few minutes later I thought I spotted Tsar over at the neighbors by the bushes, so I went over there..."
I finish his sentence with "...at 3 o'clock in the morning, after you just got tossed out of a window at your house...you went looking for your
"Well, yeah, I didn't want the dog catcher to get him...again. So anyway, I go over to where Tsar was but he's not there so I start looking around in
the bushes for him and calling him kinda' softly, like whisper-yelling sort of, you know. Well, I think the neighbors saw me cuz I saw some lights
come on. And then I heard this dude come out of his house and I think he had a shotgun or sumthin'..."
I'm just cracking up by now!
"Dude, if I saw you going through MY bushes at 3am I'd come out after your ass with a shotgun too, you knuckle-head!!!! Anyway, go
on...what happened next?
, I tell him
"So this dude starts yellin' about how he's gonna' shoot and then call the cops and all this stuff, so I jumped into the bushes. It was like a
frickin' cactus in them bushes, big ass thorns all over! Every time I even tried to move I'd get jabbed. So then this dude goes back in the house
and I figure the coast is clear to get out of those damn bushes...and right about then the dude turns on his sprinkler system and comes back out on
his porch! It's like 40 degrees outside and I'm hiding in those bushes, getting froze to death by the sprinklers and getting jabbed by all those
thorns...it really sucked, man!"
I don't think I ever laughed so hard! He did manage to escape, and the cops never did show up (if the dude even called them at all)...and who knows
if the guy really had a shotgun or not.
And that's the story. I still laugh about it to this day.
edit on 4/20/2018 by Flyingclaydisk because: (no reason given)