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I think about how angry I was that my dad didn't take better care of himself. How he never went to a doctor, let himself become grossly overweight, smoked three packs a day, drank like a fish and never exercised. But then I think about how his colleague mentioned that, days before dying, my dad had said he lived a good life and that he was satisfied. I realize that there is a certain value in my father's way of life. He ate, smoked and drank as he pleased, and one day he just suddenly and quickly died. Given some of the other choices I'd witnessed, it turns out that enjoying yourself and then dying quickly is not such a hard way to go.
It's not that abused people think in terms of sadomasochism...it's more about how their first/earliest attachment through love came with abuse or abandonment...and that is the only kind of love they know. Tragic really.
When you speak of our "dynamical external situations of self-with-other"...I can't help but wonder how many of us are somewhat psychologically damaged as infants or small children, and how the varying degrees of damage play out over time. Abandonment is a huge issue for babies as it's been proven that lack of nurturing leads to a failure to thrive. So how does a very young human cope with atrocities like abuse?
I am familiar with dissociative disorders and don't really like the 'labels'. Many people have symptoms of multiple 'disorders' but when the reason behind their behaviour/feelings is abuse...I don't think the professionals are taking the right approach. Yes a narcissist parent can in turn raise a narcissistic child, it doesn't tend to work that way.
Many adults who are deeply empathic and kind had to learn at a young age to "walk on eggshells" or worse. They become so hyper-sensitive to the moods of others that they can be anxious and very aware. I can identify with this. When your survival is at stake you learn to behave in a way that doesn't create friction...and your feelings of fear are stifled (along with most of your other emotions). As you said, "...accommodate the other' in just the ways the other needs."
I can tell that you know what you're talking about, and I'm sorry that you have also experienced trauma.
I, too, btw, know sadomasochistic feelings, as most people with a serious trauma may know as well. The most important thing in my mind is to realize that you can talk about these things, and that being able to 'air out' the facts your mental and affective experience is in itself a way of therapeutically regulating what you feel.
Materialism Cannot Explain Consciousness
It is very easy to demonstrate that materialism cannot explain consciousness. First, show that none of the materialist explanations for consciousness are valid:
(A fundamental failing of the materialist explanation of consciousness is that there is no way to explain through physics why red looks like red, why happy feels happy. You can't go from wavelength and frequency to explain what the subjective experience of seeing the color red is like. You can't explain why certain chemical reactions cause the subjective experience of feeling what happiness feels like. There is something fundamental about consciousness which cannot be explained by materialist science.)
So a few moments back I was reading a book Symmetry in the Rearview Mirror by the Drexler physicist Dave Goldberg (it's a pleasant lighthearted read) and I passed the part where (to my constant annoyance) the physicist explores the "multiple worlds interpretation" of quantum mechanics created by the physicist Hugh Everett.