A descent into insanity

First let me set the stage. Since 2012 I live in Anti-Kraak accomodation. There appears to be no direct/easy translation to English (for some conspiratorial reason??? Anti-squat?) but it is temporary accomodation with few rights and few facilities. We have a 28 day contract which renews automatically every 28 days or until the owner decides he has a new purpose for the building. The buildings are often government properties that are no longer used. I have lived in a nursing home, an office tower, a school and now, a library.

I along with 3 (officially 6) other guys share the toilets, the kitchen and the shower but we all have our own rooms with locks. We have been here now for 3 months or so. It was immediately apparent that one of our residents was "different". Most people in this kind of accomodation want to be left alone and have no trouble with other residents. Ages and backgrounds vary but a lot are young people, students and a lot (like me) are 40 plussers who have reached dead-end temporarily. Divorce, prison, financial ruin, drug addiction and other life challenges also sometimes are reasons that people do it. In my case it was financial. It is also very cheap. I pay 300 euros a month all-in. I've also moved 4 times in the last year due to buildings being repurposed or sold which wasn't fun but them's the risks.

So, now I'm in Rotterdam and thankfully it is a quiet and safe neighbourhood with all amenities close by. As time goes by (I'll call him John, not his real name, he's 21 btw) John starts to spend more and more time in my room. I liked the company as I'm alone all day, unemployed so ok, yeah. Chilling and listening to music and it kept him out of his room where he liked to annoy the neighbours with his 2 (yeah...2!) subwoofers. He gave the impression of being constantly high on something but without the euphoria. We spent six weeks daily with each other and it gave me an good chance to gauge him and his condition. I am not a mental health professional by any means but this was a one in a million.

After a few weeks I noticed the pills. Doctors pills with his name on. They laid untouched on his table for weeks. I google the name Clozapine and my jaw drops. Next time I'm in his room I ask him casually if he still takes his pills. No, he hasn't used them in a year and a half, longer than he lives here. I ask why and am politely told that he didn't need them, he could get by just by thinking about things. An alarm bell starts ringing gently in the back of my mind... He remained his usual spaced-out self and ended up telling me everything as time progressed. As time progressed his behaviour started to change.

In the beginning it was little things. He also had an obsession with mirrors and his image. I have a small table mirror. Every once in a while during conversations or chillings he would stand up and check his image in the mirror. He also used his smartphone to check his image using the camera function at regular intervals. There's a mirror on the wall in the hall by the toilets. Sometimes if I needed to pee late at night (sometimes 3am), John would be standing there in just his boxershorts looking in the mirror. Or in the shower area where there is also a mirror. Weird. But a good sign that something is quite wrong with the guy and this might need to be addressed faily soon.

I should add that most of the time we spent together were pleasant but spaced-out every time. I cooked for him more than once, lent him a small amount of money, he helped me by letting me use his internet (took me 3 months to get it fixed! I'm recently an internet user as data-caps suck and I ain't paying mobile rates...yay!) to arrange a few personal matters, bank, etc. He always presented the same impression during this time. Even if had just awoken he always seemed ... shot away. Never higher or lower. Always spaced, slightly slowed reactions but not really anything most people would call crazy, just a little strange. Polite, well-spoken and mannered, an intelligent young guy that apparently had everything going for him.

Time passes. He takes ecstasy in my presence. Hey, it's a free world and he is 21. I can at least see that he doesn't do something stupid. If he is in my room I can also stop him from using his subwoofers and my music can be entertaining too! It gives me another opportunity to "look inside" him. (He told me days later he sneakily took a second ecstacy pill the same night without me noticing) I saw a hole a mile wide in the personality that used to be there. Without the correct knowledge it is hard to describe. It's as if there's still a piece of John there vaguely but a fusebox seems to have been blown. An important fusebox.

I told him later that this was not something he should do often. He progresses to truffels, a legally available product in the Netherlands containing psilocybin, a hallucinogen. He starts to do the truffels almost daily, I contact the hire company to tell them he needs help, with little effect. I won't be a Holy Joe, I know exactly what these drugs do but it is visible that John needs very little to get very far. I like John though, he's a nice guy on a good day, he just needs help and no one, including the residents here, his parents or the rental company seem to know. John's gotta heart of gold, truly. But the rest is gone, along with focus, tastebuds, sense of time, where he lost his bike because he can't remember where he last parked it...oh the list is endless.

John is away for a day so I look in the (communal) toilet next to his room he claimed as his own and I see more, different pills. Haloperidol. 8 or 10 boxes, all untouched. I google Haloperidol...oh my. Anti-psychotics again.

Things progress. John deteriorates slowly, but surely in the course of our time together. He becomes opinionated, vague and it sounds like he really is in a psychosis. He remains at all times non-violent and non-confrontational but tries to tell me that I have it all wrong. I avoid those topics and focus on music and we remain friends. He starts drinking more. Expensive stuff, Bacardi mix drink thing or the other expensive one. He remains the same.

I tell John that drinking daily is dangerous. John doesn't drink too much but he does drink daily but it was a friendly statement. I'm an alcoholic, I know. And he is a man and free to choose, as am I.

Obviously I have asked myself many times during our time together
"What happened to you?", perhaps I should have asked John but I don't think John knows anymore, and maybe that's better. And John ain't got no gun in his hand. Not yet...

John starts to deteriorate again and starts knocking on doors in the middle of the night, mainly mine. Once with an earth shattering volume, possibly a kick. I was still awake and know it was John. He was standing in the hall when I went looking for the car I thought had crashed into the building. John is John. I tell him to be quiet and he tells me not to exaggerate or call the rental company. I walk to the toilet and return to my room.

cont...

It becomes apparent that I need to leave John alone and John needs to leave me alone, even if it is only for John. John is on another level. I tell him calmly and politely that he is not welcome on a daily basis in my room anymore. John attempts "chilling". He calls me on the phone, I deny on multiple repeated occasions. He sounds

For the first time in weeks my direct neighbour comes home. We don't have a wall between us but a partition. You can hear everything the other is doing and it is awful but that is what it is. He comes here with a woman at 3pm and I know that he only has 2 things in his room because I've seen it. 1 is a mattress and 2 is a drum set (he drums most excellently!). What would you think that would happen? 1 woman, 1 man, a mattress and a drum set. So...I put some music on so I can't hear the "drums". I have a small subwoofer but it is much larger than my penis plus I have 2 satellite speakers.

Apparently John knocked on my door but due to the music I didn't hear it. John then, apparently, proceeded to destroy my clothes rack which was just outside my door. I went to the supermarket and noticed the destruction and more importantly the people home at the time. Just me and John. Ahhhh..... I ask John why he did it (it costs 50 euros) and he tells me it was because I didn't open my door when he knocked. And then I lost it with John. My side consisted of shouting and swearing I am not proud to say.

I keep my door locked just for John. I can see that a lot of John seems to be gone and John has locked on to me and also another resident. Signs of extreme....confusion.

Time passes again. John gets a beating by a resident because he is being weird and agressive in the presence of a child. Dad was home and "removed" the problem. John doesn't understand or change, he just retreats for a while, confused. I don't condone violence but I do understand it after hearing both sides of the story.

The night I shout at John because he destroyed my clothes rack was apparently a trigger. John kicks off exactly 24 hours later. Out of the blue there is a lunatic attempting to forcibly open my door threatening me with death with quite possibly a knife in his hand. Thankfully it was locked. I call the police and they come and calm him. I thought he would have been detained.

After half an hour of silence I think "Great, time for a cigarette outside!" Smoking said cigarette John walks to the shared entrance door with his smartphone, talking into it. He just called the police on me for no reason at all. Oh well, I trust the police more than John at this point.

The police come again and talk to me. I explain their colleagues had just been called to the same address because of death threats and crazy behaviour. They went and spoke to John again and all was finally quiet again.

2 days later I'm in the supermarket thinking John was gone. Then I see him in the line. I walk quietly to another cashiere line and wait for my turn. After a few minutes somebody taps me gently on the arm and asks me "Do you know that gentleman?" and points to John. Apparently John had acted aggressively on the street and other people had also called the police the same day he threatened me.

I contact the rental company again. After 4 days I receive a reply. His mother was quicker and I explained as much as I could. It's all very sad but the weird thing is she pretty much claimed to have no knowledge. It used to be a normal boy and now he's gone. How that happened or that she even realised how far he's gone she also had no idea about.

After googling his medications, 3 things came up. Schizophrenia, psychosis, drug-induced psychosis. I strongly suspect the last to be the case but it is just an uneducated guess but he seems to know and like them (drugs). Too much or a bad supply? No idea but if I was his mother I would be asking his friends if they know what happened. This is the worst case I've ever seen and if that was my son I would have noticed that he was "different" long before now yet mother claims ignorance.

John was eventually detained a day or two later at a different location but he was acting the same. Apparently he was walking around with a tree-trunk, kinda like Gandalf, in his dressing gown shouting at anyone that walked by. I pray that no-one accosted him but he was nothing less than a crazy man by that time. He is now receiving the psychological evaluation and care he so desperately needs. How this all escaped anyone elses attention, including his parents is to me a mystery.

It's a mad mad world out there. If you see someone that needs serious help, wouldn't you try, even if it was only just once? Sometimes I despair but at least John is for the time being at least in safe and caring hands.

I love you John, you're a nice guy and I hope things will greatly improve for you in the future. You'll never read this and you don't need to, you just need to sit back and relax for a while.

(Disclaimer: The above is a true story, the only thing false is the name John. I live in interesting times apparently)

I'll be frank, he may be a great guy, many people with mental "issues" are, but I would be wary around him. Watch yourself when you're around him. It sounds like he's slipping into a mode where he's not completely conscious of what he's doing. Potentially a dangerous situation.

So sorry you are at this place in your life-it appears your living arrangement is exposing you to dangerous people and situations. It's nice to care about John, but what about you? It appears you need to put your needs first right now and I hope you are getting the psychological care you need to figure out why you are not taking care of yourself.
Here's sending you many good thoughts and wishes. I care.

a reply to: SpeakerofTruth

Sorry, perhaps I forgot to mention, in all the stress. He has been detained by the authorities for his own safety and later a complete psychological evaluation will take place. He will be properly taken care of and is now in a mental health clinic.

You are a lot calmer person than me that is for sure

a reply to: theruthlessone

I just see a person in need of help. I can't hurt such a person no matter how angry they make me. As long as he doesn't touch me it's fine. John doesn't understand much right now but hopefully that will change with the right care and environment.


ETA: John IS a nice guy, really. He's half my age but we kinda like some of the same music but John IS gone. I suspect one of his friends may know more and I may suggest it to his Mom that she enquire what drugs he took, it may make his treatment easier.

Sad to see that someone so young literally burnt their brain somehow and no-one knows how...

Eh. I have a friend on perole living in a halfway house in Detroit.

I hear these stories daily.
His last "John" was cooking crack in his room, and overdosed the next day..

Good luck. And i agree, you need to be wary of psychotics.

Be supportive , but alert.

Government housing sounds like hell.

I hope you find your way out of your hole soon.good luck.



a reply to: LightSpeedDriver

I don't believe your story. Just saying.

This is a common story everywhere. Mental illness is misunderstood and those suffering are often treated with disdain and contempt - you did well to treat John as you did.

Watching a close person disappear into this spiral of madness is horrible, you feel helpless and often feel insane yourself, it rubs off on you. It is made double difficult due to one of the symptoms being the belief that the drugs will not help.

I've seen it before, as have a few on here, and I pray I don't see it again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but often the light isn't visible to the sufferer until the hit below rock bottom.

The problem in most societies is the help system is just not there. Patients get put in normal hospitals staffed by nurses not trained in mental illness. Then, if the patient does go into a psychiatric ward it can get worse, these places are white, clinical and full of other sufferers, all these serve to make the illness worse. Add to this the possibility of poor staff availability and you have a recipe for disaster. Believe me, I've seen it, I've been in these places and had to do the nurse's job for them, I've had to tell them what drugs to get and how to give them, even when the patient doesn't want them.

Then at night or the weekend the doctor is not available, so the patient waits, and deteriorates.... ....

Good on you for being there for John. Hopefully he will come round. It sounds like he has a disposition for mental illness and triggered an episode by using E's and mushrooms. I suspect being in Rotterdam he's buying some good hash too, which will not help him at all - despite what you read from some advocates on here.

a reply to: and14263

Thank you for the kind words! As you state, disdain and contempt were what most people showed him here but I just saw a cry for help. And I saw a nice guy. In another life John and I could have been great friends even though I'm almost twice his age. As it was I just saw someones brother or son who could have come to great harm during his episode.

You sound like you know a fair bit about it because it does indeed give the impression of rubbing off on oneself. I think working with people with mental health issues could be a very rewarding job but I would require too much schooling and at my age, it's probably unrealistic.

The weird thing about John that I found is that he already had medications obviously prescribed for his condition a year or two ago. I saw the boxes with the sticker from 2016. Holland has health care pretty much covered but I was gob-smacked by the fact his parents seemed to have noticed little or no change since his original diagnosis. When I talked to his mother she was very patient, wanted to know all the details but claimed to know little else. She hadn't noticed he was weird, she didn't know he didn't take his medication, she didn't know so much. She seemed tired and.... yeah. Something didn't sound quite right but I could be (and hope!) I am wrong.

Having known John for almost 4 months now I can say without a doubt he can not truly care for himself on a daily basis. He showers and eats, that's about the limit. Whether that will change in the future is debatable, maybe if he takes his medication it might have been different but it was interesting, weird and at times frightening to see the inside of a deconstructed mind slowly deconstructing itself even further and coming back with a full blown psychosis.

I hear ya. In England back in the 80's I think, they rolled out "Care In The Community". Basically they emptied all the mental patients in to regular housing due to lack of money. I used to visit a friend at his first residence, a grotty one-roomer where he shared the toilet/bathroom with other residents. One of the guys was someone that liked to argue with and shout at his baked-beans on toast, almost every night.... I was glad when he moved.

I was happy to help John but it took a considerable investment and a toll on me. My only reward is the one I need. The knowledge that he is now safe and receiving good physical and mental care. I'm going to ask his parents if I can see him again when and if he is up to it, at some point in the future. I will leave it to time and their judgement to see if that is a realistic possibility.

Like you, I believe he took too much of something once back when and his friends may know more. The list of possibilites seems endless but I would guess MDMA (the main but not only ingredient in ecstasy pills), but it could also have been PMAA, '___', psilocybin and many others.

At the end of the day I love John. John's a nice guy deep down.

Again, thanks for the kind words.

originally posted by: MortonBunkum
I don't believe your story. Just saying.

John would have been proud of your reply and might even say the same about my story! Thanks for your finely-crafted and well thought out response to my thread.

PS Everyone gets a star, even you!

Because I couldn't find anywhere suitable place at this time and because John liked this video too, I will post this here for him. I love OK GO, saw em live in Amsterdam. Mind-blowing show as are their videos.

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver

I am happy to hear that your friend is now getting the help he so desperately needs. It is tragic watching someone go through that, trying to be there for him and knowing you can't help him all by yourself. He couldn't even help himself. Hopefully he can turn his life around. Hugs for you for being a great friend to this young man!

a reply to: Night Star

Thank you Night Star. Thankfully John will indeed receive slow, gentle help. One of the best decisions I ever made was to move to this country. The Dutch are a good bunch and the mental health care is good. It was just a shame that it first needed to go wrong before it could finally start to go right with John.

Ah well, he got there in the end, pretty much safe and sound.

I must add this to my thread because, well, it's so strange and heartwarming at the same time.

Almost 3 weeks have passed since "The Incident". I have to go and get provisions and am away from home for around an hour. While on public transport I discover that my smartphone has zero power. I buy my wares, come home and plug the phone in to recharge. Upon restarting, the phone tells me that John has called me. I hear alarm bells ringing.....

Then I realise John is still safe in a clinic. I want to call him back on a different phone with telephone credit but before I get the chance, John calls me again. I answer with more than a little trepidation.

To make a long story short, we talked for at least 20 minutes. Things are going very well for John now. He did slightly mention that he will be in the clinic for "quite a while yet" which is a good thing. I was nothing less than amazed in the difference in his person. He was focused, on the ball, almost the original John again, before he lived in my building and before I knew him at all.

As the conversation progressed I could tell that John was almost a regular guy again so I asked him if he remembered what he had done and what had happened after that. He said yes, he knew everything. Personally I had hoped that he would remember nothing of his episode. Ah well. I was just happy to hear he was safe and sound and getting back on his feet again. I personally thought he was gone completely but see now that some medicines help a lot. Jekyll and Hyde, if you will.

Good luck John!