Lately...

There has been a strange feeling coming over me. I really do not know how to describe it. I have been up and down and tossed around. No sleep. Eating habits screwy. I have been trying to get a grip on it. There have been some poems I have written lately and they exhibit signs of this problem. One day I am overcome with sadness and the next day I am resistant to being overcome by that sadness. Replies to those poems have gone left unanswered, not out of rudeness, just incapable of responding sometimes because, even though I never quit, sometimes all I can do is sit and stare out the window.

There is something I am feeling about the future. It paralyzes me, not with fear, but with uncertainty, like I am just waiting for the sky to fall on me. I have been searching within for answers, looking out there for answers, finding nothing yet but more questions. What is my destiny? What is my fate? Where am I going? Why am I feeling this way everyday? I meditate. I write. I read. I absorb information. Still no answers for this feeling.

I used to be trapped by my past and consumed with my present, but now, all I can think about is the future. The future of this planet, this galaxy, this Universe, this dimension, this life. Where are they heading? Anxiety has run amok in my brain and at the same time so has hope for something better to be out there, somewhere. But where? Is everything just random? Is there a grand scheme?

Has the ending been written or is it all just a giant circle, like a snake eating its tail? Are there more dimensions? Do we inhabit multi-verses? There must be more than this existence, right? The fact I have any notion of these possibilities must mean they at least exist in some probability, right? Most of what I am saying is rhetorical in that I really do not expect any answers from anyone here to dispel my sense with reasoning.

After all, it is my mind that is never quitting, I suppose an endless search for meaning will endeavor, until such a time the sky does fall on me and put an end to this madness.

The meaning of life is to positively influence as many people as possible. Do as much good as you are capable. Everything else will fall into place.

I have a friend that buried his 10 year old son last years. Trying to figure out why it happened will drive you crazy. They set up a charity to donate Legos "his favorite toy" to other sick kids. The charity was the kids idea. He got it.

a reply to: INEVERQUIT

I think that feeling comes natural when you lose sight of hope.

Have you tried seeking God? He can answer all those questions and give you something to be hopeful for.

I admit that this will sound flippant and dismissive, but there are times that this is the only solution that has helped me in such blue funk times. Go to a movie. If that doesn't do it, see another, and another, and another. I once had to sit through seven in one night. And the seventh did the trick. I don't know how or why it worked, but I think it was akin to re-booting an over-focused mind.

Good luck to you.

Fishy