It's easier to blame the past than it is to being honest to myself.

It's easier to blame what has been done to me, what I have suffered, than to recognize what I'm doing to myself.
It feels better in a warped sense to be a victim, for it is a kind of solid proof that I am here, that I exist, that gives me meaning.
The unknown of what would happen if there was nothing to hold on to, of nothing to prove my identity, my place in my universe, is too much to consider. What will I do, who will I be?
The fear of getting overwhelmed by the freedom, of not deserving it.
That's why I secretly love my drama, that's what makes me reach for that extra kick, to make it numb, to postpone, to mindlessly roam and scavenge the internet and the news for that bit that will make me feel better about the pain, make me feel better that there are people out there in seriously deep s***, who are being murdered, raped, that there is a war between us and them, and not realizing of the war inside me, tearing me apart from the inside out.

It feels like I belong if I have my sad story to tell. Look kids! I survived this and this and this, look how much I suffered. Look what they have done to me.

But it feels damn good to admit, I must say, that I have actually craved the pain. I wouldn't be 'me' without it.
Just like any other drug.
It was a relief to cry like a baby knowing the only person that I can forgive, and who can forgive me, is myself.
It was overwhelming to realize I had, throughout my life since childhood, subconsciously wanting to be accepted, and here it was, ready to be given, the acceptance of who I am. All I had to do was take it.




And now, it is strange, a weight off my shoulder, and the knowing that me and you, oh stranger, oh enemy, we are in this together.

a reply to: athousandlives

What will I do, who will I be?

You are doing, being, don't buy into the 'have to be' something else other than who you are. Its okay to blame others for instilling that notion in your head. That isn't the real you.

a reply to: athousandlives


Just remember.......forget the past and you will repeat it.

a reply to: intrptr

Yes, that is what I was getting at, really
but I think its ok to blame others up to a certain point, there is a moment where we latch on to it, and don't let go, that is just as destructive as what was done in the first place.

a reply to: athousandlives

and don't let go that's what is just as destructive as what was done in the first place

Yep, externalizing blame is easy, especially if our problem is us.

If you are aware you have done that, you're alright. Some people, all they do is blame their ills on someone or something else.

a reply to: athousandlives

Eh... bottom of the pit of being can get comfortable enough to start adding furniture and decorating the place. Gotten cozy but still have the cabin fever with those demons under that trap door in the basement and that dirty root out in the woods giving people the business...

Yes that's an Evil Dead reference... being haunted every where but where you feel comfortable, broom stick doesn't seem to work so boom stick cleans up more dealing deaths icy fate... or so it seems.

Hey understandable, been there and this is the time of your life... you just don't know it. So purpose... what is the very one thing you've always seemed to lack from people... wanted it like a junkie but it was never there, I mean emotionally... not this material BS it comes and goes no matter who sentimental but that emotional thanks to memory sticks around... where ever you go.

You dont have to say what you've always lacked here on the open forums, but after you figure it out... stop and take a look at what you've always given people freely and see if that matches up or suddenly does.

And boop you just found your purpose... you are to other people that very exact thing that you feel you have always lacked.

Just handed the boom stick that cleans house of the nonsense. So what-cha gonna do with it? Teasing, I know what you're gonna do with it... great things called already what you've been doing except you've now seen your own purpose not one handed to you, not one expected, and one you already do naturally but never even saw it... now that you have(if you stopped to consider it before getting this far dinglepuss) so now get to applying that with gusto a-hole, you've already been a gift to the world, start using it on yourself too.

a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

Hey, thanks for that. really.
It's been a crazy last couple weeks for me and it all feels converging to this moment, it's weird.
Had to get it off my chest, and what better place than ATS,

a reply to: athousandlives

Free therapy right? High 5, on the down low ha ha too slow for roshambo have fun with this sh-t called life it rocks... fun is contagious it causes happiness and that spreads like mayonnaise a lot of happy people around me all of a sudden.

If you're gonna be viral no need to be a plague, thats what threw you into that damned pit, don't be a copy cat be a top cat pretend it's one life down and 8 more to go yo.