Halfway there.

I'm going for a long drive, back home, the place where I was born and grew up.

It's around 200 km and I could get there in one single long trip. But it's better to have a rest halfway, after 100 km. Toilet break, maybe get some snacks.

I head back out on the motorway and after a while I get pulled over, great just what I needed.
After a lengthy chat with an over enthusiastic cop and a speeding ticket, 50 km to go.

After 25 km I have to stop again, flat tire. Thankfully I can replace it with the spare, time to move on.

Nearly there! But wait did I bring flowers? I'm in luck as I pass a florist, decide to stop and get them a nice bunch of flowers. They'll love these! I notice there's only 12.5 km to go.

Ok this is it, in no time I'll be knocking at the door of my childhood memories.
And memories come flowing in, good ones at first, but then a bad feeling comes and slaps me in the face. In fact now I'm terrified.
Why am I afraid? I can't pinpoint it exactly, and there's only around 6 km left, as I enter the town.
I need to stop, gather my thoughts. There's the little park I used to play sometimes, I sit down for a while.

The sun's almost going down, so I decide to move on. Maybe I'll be there just in time for dinner.

I'm driving really slow now, and time seems to slow down too.
After a while I just need to stop again. There's the church, and behind it the graveyard.
Who's buried in that graveyard again? I can't for the life of me remember...
There's only 3 km left. But I'm already in a somber mood and visiting the graveyard seems fitting.

I wonder through the tombstones, trying to find one that inspires me and makes me remember.
Big slabs of granite here, a few carved angels there, and crosses, crosses everywhere.
But they all look the same, my mind goes blank, like that blank tombstone over there. Waiting for a name to appear.
Nothing.

Sunset. Big pink and purple clouds line the horizon framing the sun. It would be a glorious one If I was far far away from here. Now it just feels like the sad end to a bad western.
I head back to the comfort and warmth of my car. If I could choose a coffin right now it would be this fine rented budget Fiat.
(How the hell was I over speeding with this thing?)

I make it only a few minutes before I stop again, 1.5 km to go. I realize I'm lost.
I ask the old man that is walking his dog, his face looks familiar and he might have recognised me when he gives me a big smile, but when I ask for the right direction the smile vanishes, disappointedly, just points to a side street and moves on.
The feeling arises that I wasn't lost at all, I wanted more time. I was stalling.

I turn, and after a few blocks I can't take it anymore. I park the car and walk from here. Probably a few hundred meters more and I'll be there. I'll find the answers I'm looking for.
I pass a few familiar houses, and then the corner store where I bought so many sweets and chocolates. I should have my fillings checked.
I enter to see if I recognise the shopkeeper, I think he was really friendly, maybe he has some answers?
The man does recognise me, but has trouble understanding why I would be back, after such a long time. I fail to give him an explanation. I buy a scratch card instead, maybe the possible 200k a year for life will somehow fill the hole inside me.

No win.

I see the house a the end of the street now.
Damn, it's definitely not the mansion of my memories.
I force myself to run, even though my legs would rather turn around.

Approaching the front gate I slow down and feel myself become smaller and smaller.
I am crawling through the front yard, and as I near the door I stop.

I want to become an ant, better yet a snail.
I think they have it all figured it out, snails.
I want to be able to travel the world, zen style, and have a roof over me at the same time.
But I wonder if they ever truly feel at home...

I know I'm supposed to be home, and yet, will I ever reach it?
When will the moment of actual arrival be?
When I am greeted?
When I cross that door?
When I sit at the dinner table?
When we all rejoice at our reunion?
When I wake up tomorrow and find myself in my old room, with all the posters and figurines and mementos of a time that is no longer now?




Knock Knock.

Very well written! But, I'm not sure I see the message behind it?

a reply to: athousandlives

Why would you do this to me... Such good writing.. and I even scrolled perfectly to not see knock knock at the bottom.. So I scroll down and see knock, and I'm like what's going to happen?!!

I think I'm only halfway there. If I ever left in the first place.

a reply to: Ghost147

I was going to write something about an experiment I read a while ago, in which if you are trying to get from point A to point B but decide to stop every time you reach halfway from your previous stop to point B, if that makes sense.
In that way, one never really reaches point B, because units of distance just keep going on to microscopic level ad infinitum.
I was sure this has some parallels to how we live life, and I was going to make some sort of pseudo philosophical comment, but halfway there I realised I really didn't know what i was trying to get at.
But I was in the flow, so here it is.


Mod please move to a more appropriate forum if needed

a reply to: athousandlives

most of my thoughts are like this.. I get an awesome idea in my head but it's too big a concept to hold it all in, so I start blasting out letters to write one third of a subplot. Then it's just luck whether I can hold my mind right and try to connect some of my crazy ideas together..

I think I come off ok, considering..

The part about the snail, and having a home on it's back..
You went looking for a home, and when you got there that was half your trip to get back to your now house..

That's why I wrote my last sentence.. Just trying to pull a little meaning out, because, it's something that come up a lot for me.. Like I am searching for something.. Always suspecting what it is I am searching for is the beginning of the circle I came in on.. Back where I started.



EDIT: And then I just now see your location... Lol

a reply to: athousandlives

very beautiful post

a reply to: KnightLight

Yes, the endless cycle of life.
The fool's journey in the Tarot's major arcana.
Your avatar reminds me of the knight of swords. Maybe have a look at that, if you haven't already

a reply to: athousandlives

haha.. There is so much in that avatar..

Odd that I didn't design it, just gave a vague idea of what I wanted.

it's me.

But I've also been called the fool on the hill.

a reply to: KnightLight

Well, the fool on the hill does see the world spinning round, so it's not a bad place to be. lol

I heard you, now what am I to do with these ears?

a reply to: athousandlives

Nice, you pulled me in. It reminded me of fractals and scale. If you measure a coastline in miles you get one number. If you measure in feet you get another because you can cover more of the nooks and crannies as it were. So the finer the measurement the more area that will be measured. In your trip your intellect and emotions change the scale based on external circumstances and memories. We so often forget that the state of our consciousness controls how we perceive the world. This is probably why we have such a hard time controlling (or staying awake) in our dreams (astral). We do not have complete control of our 3 brains (intellectual, emotional and motor / instinctual / sexual brains).

a reply to: Klipothian

Exactly, I've come to believe that reality is very much like a fractal. No matter what your observation point is you can always zoom infinitely in or out.
And like physical reality I think it goes something like that for our consciousness and thought patterns.
One idea is always the result or a combination of previous ideas, all building on top of another. Until we pretty much lose sight of what came before and we take what we currently think we know as the only reality. Ignoring the countess people before us with the same delusions.

Funny you mention dreams, I've for a while had the sensation when I wake up, that I realised I was dreaming and yet couldn't or wouldn't do anything to control them.