posted on May, 30 2015 @ 03:41 PM
I'm going for a long drive, back home, the place where I was born and grew up.
It's around 200 km and I could get there in one single long trip. But it's better to have a rest halfway, after 100 km. Toilet break, maybe get some
I head back out on the motorway and after a while I get pulled over, great just what I needed.
After a lengthy chat with an over enthusiastic cop and a speeding ticket, 50 km to go.
After 25 km I have to stop again, flat tire. Thankfully I can replace it with the spare, time to move on.
Nearly there! But wait did I bring flowers? I'm in luck as I pass a florist, decide to stop and get them a nice bunch of flowers. They'll love
these! I notice there's only 12.5 km to go.
Ok this is it, in no time I'll be knocking at the door of my childhood memories.
And memories come flowing in, good ones at first, but then a bad feeling comes and slaps me in the face. In fact now I'm terrified.
Why am I afraid? I can't pinpoint it exactly, and there's only around 6 km left, as I enter the town.
I need to stop, gather my thoughts. There's the little park I used to play sometimes, I sit down for a while.
The sun's almost going down, so I decide to move on. Maybe I'll be there just in time for dinner.
I'm driving really slow now, and time seems to slow down too.
After a while I just need to stop again. There's the church, and behind it the graveyard.
Who's buried in that graveyard again? I can't for the life of me remember...
There's only 3 km left. But I'm already in a somber mood and visiting the graveyard seems fitting.
I wonder through the tombstones, trying to find one that inspires me and makes me remember.
Big slabs of granite here, a few carved angels there, and crosses, crosses everywhere.
But they all look the same, my mind goes blank, like that blank tombstone over there. Waiting for a name to appear.
Sunset. Big pink and purple clouds line the horizon framing the sun. It would be a glorious one If I was far far away from here. Now it just feels
like the sad end to a bad western.
I head back to the comfort and warmth of my car. If I could choose a coffin right now it would be this fine rented budget Fiat.
(How the hell was I over speeding with this thing?)
I make it only a few minutes before I stop again, 1.5 km to go. I realize I'm lost.
I ask the old man that is walking his dog, his face looks familiar and he might have recognised me when he gives me a big smile, but when I ask for
the right direction the smile vanishes, disappointedly, just points to a side street and moves on.
The feeling arises that I wasn't lost at all, I wanted more time. I was stalling.
I turn, and after a few blocks I can't take it anymore. I park the car and walk from here. Probably a few hundred meters more and I'll be there.
I'll find the answers I'm looking for.
I pass a few familiar houses, and then the corner store where I bought so many sweets and chocolates. I should have my fillings checked.
I enter to see if I recognise the shopkeeper, I think he was really friendly, maybe he has some answers?
The man does recognise me, but has trouble understanding why I would be back, after such a long time. I fail to give him an explanation. I buy a
scratch card instead, maybe the possible 200k a year for life will somehow fill the hole inside me.
I see the house a the end of the street now.
Damn, it's definitely not the mansion of my memories.
I force myself to run, even though my legs would rather turn around.
Approaching the front gate I slow down and feel myself become smaller and smaller.
I am crawling through the front yard, and as I near the door I stop.
I want to become an ant, better yet a snail.
I think they have it all figured it out, snails.
I want to be able to travel the world, zen style, and have a roof over me at the same time.
But I wonder if they ever truly feel at home...
I know I'm supposed to be home, and yet, will I ever reach it?
When will the moment of actual arrival be?
When I am greeted?
When I cross that door?
When I sit at the dinner table?
When we all rejoice at our reunion?
When I wake up tomorrow and find myself in my old room, with all the posters and figurines and mementos of a time that is no longer now?