How long should someone wait?

How long should someone wait before they jump into a relationship after their husband or wife passes away?

I know it depends on the person, and relationship they previously had.

I know Art Bell got married a couple months after his "soul mate" passed away.

I always thought that was odd.

So, how long?

If it feels good, do it. That's what I would want for my theoretical widow.

a reply to: BerenstEiner

I honestly think it depends on the person. There is no set time limit, IMO. No one should dictate their own personal morals to another person. There will always be those who approve and those who disapprove, so might as well be true to one's self.

a reply to: BerenstEiner

Well, it really depends on how long you have had this person you are interested in around.
If they were involved before your other passed, then you might as well get it over with and start what you have been waiting to start.

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer other than what you feel inside yourself.
It is never to soon as long as it is love.

On the other hand, if you are just trying to stop emotionally bleeding,
then you should probably wait until you are in a better place emotionally.

It depends on the person really. Can they compartmentalize? Do they feel disloyal? Was it what the deceased spouse wanted?

There are many variables that make the decision vastly different from one person to the other. I don't think any of us can sit in judgement of what amount of time others find acceptable.

We must also remember that moving on and forgetting about someone are not mutually exclusive. The two can and often do exist separately.

Depends on the person really...



I'd say that it's best to mourn first...
However long that takes.



Otherwise any relationship after is almost certainly doomed...

I think about Paul McCartney and Heather Mills marriage lasting only 4 years...

He probably got with her too soon after Linda passed away...


Maybe they just weren't compatible, but I'm sure he was still in the stages of grief when they met.

It had only been about 18months since he'd lost the love of his Life, probably his Soul Mate.




That's just an example of course...


Art bell is still married 9 years later after such a short grieving process...

So it can work I guess.


All depends on how fast people go through the grieving stages.

The reason why i ask is, my dad passed away last year in April. It happened really fast. He wasnt feeling good. He went to the hospital and was diagnosed with lukemia.

He passed away 4 or 5 days later.

My parents were married 54 years.


My mom started seeing a man 2 weeks later. That relationship lasted about 2 months. Then she dated another for a month. Now she has another guy. They have been together for about 2 months now.

This past christmas was the first without my dad.

It was like we couldnt talk about him or bring him up because the new guy was there.

My brother and sister are totally put off by it.

Alot of people are.

It just seems so wrong.

a reply to: BerenstEiner

What would the loved,, deceased partner want the bereaved to do? I'm pretty sure they'd want them to be happy and to move on...no matter the time frame.

originally posted by: BerenstEiner
How long should someone wait before they jump into a relationship after their husband or wife passes away?

I know it depends on the person, and relationship they previously had.

I know Art Bell got married a couple months after his "soul mate" passed away.

I always thought that was odd.

So, how long?

The answer to this question has nothing to do with time, but rather with how comfortable said widow is with moving on. That is, have they mourned properly and thoroughly, do they feel they have given enough respect to their former spouse, do they feel ready to date again, can they date again, can they handle a new relationship, are they able to leave the baggage, do they have disclosure, etc. Time itself has nothing to do with it, time only runs parallel to the actual answer. It is all on if that person feels ready.

originally posted by: BerenstEiner
The reason why i ask is, my dad passed away last year in April. It happened really fast. He wasnt feeling good. He went to the hospital and was diagnosed with lukemia.

He passed away 4 or 5 days later.

My parents were married 54 years.


My mom started seeing a man 2 weeks later. That relationship lasted about 2 months. Then she dated another for a month. Now she has another guy. They have been together for about 2 months now.

This past christmas was the first without my dad.

It was like we couldnt talk about him or bring him up because the new guy was there.

My brother and sister are totally put off by it.

Alot of people are.

It just seems so wrong.

I can certainly understand how you and your siblings feel and what your opinions are, but to be frank, it is none of your business. Your parents were married for a long time, I have no doubt they understood each other well and you might consider they may have talked about this and reached an agreement to find someone else as quickly as they were ready and able to.

I think you and your siblings should sit with your mom and express your feelings but lend your support. My only concern would be is if she is in these relationships not because she feels ready, but because she feels alone, unsupported, lost, or what have you.

You also should not feel uncomfortable to talk about your father around this man, in fact, I would make it a point to bring him up every now and then to see how he reacts, see if he is supportive of your mother and you lot ... or, if it makes him (or her) uncomfortable. Note, I'm talking about quick mentioning of your father such as when you come across something that sparks a memory. If little things like that make either of them uncomfortable in front of one another, neither are likely ready for a relationship where one has recently been widowed. However, I am also sure your mother has talked about this and confided in this guy to some degree.

I hope my advice is useful.

a reply to: AllSourceIntel

Thanks for the advice.

I do know they told eachother to wait a year.

I heard my mom talking to my auntie about it. She said she couldnt wait that long.

On my dads death bed. He told my sister, for my mom to "have fun".

I feel that she took what was said and ran with it.

While she has dated these guys, she always brings up my dad and cries over him.

She would always say that these relationships were the "just friends" type.

But they were all romantic in nature.

She would lie about it.

To me it seems that she just needs somone to be there to do things for her.

a reply to: BerenstEiner
It sounds like my one concern needs some looking into. Have that talk with her I mentioned, but make sure you show your concern and your support evenly.

Stay strong my friend.

a reply to: BerenstEiner

Well that rather depends on the persons concerned.

Obviously, getting hooked up within days of the passing of a spouse or significant other is ill advised, because there is virtually no way for someone to process that sort of loss in such a short space of time. A psychopath could be knee deep in tail faster than a Bugatti Veyron will go from nought to "good morning officer", and not bat an eye about it, but anyone with any sensitivity or soul will need to grieve before getting involved. As I said, that process differs from person to person.

But the thing is that we are not just talking about what is right for the individual who has experienced loss, but also what is fair to the person they might find themselves interested in. Getting hot and heavy before one has had time to accept and weep for the loss of a lover, can have awful effects when the resulting relationship inevitably collapses once the real reaction sets in. This is bad for two reasons. One, it is selfish to risk another's heart, just so one can have some kind of companionship during a painful phase of life, and putting a person at that kind of risk carries a certain amount of guilt with it. Two, doing so means that a person with whom one might well have been able to have a relationship, will be less able to open themselves to one fully, because of the risk they will associate with doing so, understandably so!

All in all, it is a matter of individual psychopathology, but I would say a minimum of a few weeks for some, and years and years for others, and anything in between.

I do however realise, that this is about as useful as a chocolate teapot as information goes, but that is the nature of the issue I am afraid!

originally posted by: BerenstEiner
How long should someone wait before they jump into a relationship after their husband or wife passes away?

Each person is different. There is no set time.
The only thing is that the newly widowed need to be very careful.
They can be taken advantage of.

originally posted by: BerenstEiner
My parents were married 54 years.
My mom started seeing a man 2 weeks later.

My parents were (unhappily) married 53 years when my father died. Within a couple of months, my mother was going man-crazy. She was thinking everyone was 'cute' and that every widower was wanting to have 'relations' with her. I think it's ridiculous but for some reason she's acting like she's 18 and out of the house for the first time. Whatever. As long as the elderly are careful and don't get schnookered ... let 'em have fun.

originally posted by: [post=18913134]


I heard my mom talking to my auntie about it. She said she couldnt wait that long.

To me it seems that she just needs somone to be there to do things for her.

You must remember your Father and Mother have leaned on

each other for 53 years = most of their lives .... and

most probably longer than you and your siblings have been alive?


She must feel very lost and empty, and probably desperate to fill

the void, So just be there for her so she doesn't make choices

out of desperation. The fact that your father was a huge part of

your mothers life cannot, and should not be a taboo subject of

discussion.


There's nothing better for showing flaws or intention in someone

than if they cant blend in within a loving tight knit family.

Depends.

I've known people move on after a few months. I knew one woman who had been taking taking care of a dying husband for years and met someone soon after he passed.

I would say situations vary and sometimes people are ready to live again after taking care of a dying spouse. Sometimes the last stretch of those situations are brutal on the surviving spouse/partner. It may be a situation where that person hasn't felt romantic love and affection for years.

Ultimately, it is different for everyone.

a reply to: BerenstEiner


My parents were married 54 years. wow she must be 70 + and still wants to go out and play no wonder you and your brother and sister are shocked their is life in that girl yet

Be happy for her ,life is short

a reply to: BerenstEiner
In our situation I am doomed to leave this life early and I have only the best interests for my wife, I want her happy and guilt free when I go.

I don't think there is a time limit on grief but.....one should not stay in the shade too long or the sun will never rise again.
Just my personal thoughts on a very interesting thread.

Regards, Iwinder

Don't let me shut down this great thread, have no fear fellow posters......post away!
Excellent topic that may be taboo with some but not all.
S&F

Regards, Iwinder

I think she/he will be proud if you do it at all. Maybe she/he will send you something from heaven to protect you in the future.
I lost my dad and my step father stepped into his shadows later on and after he died of a stroke suddenly it felt like his legacy came from my father.

You should not rush things and do how they feel. Maybe you can tell your partner what's going on with you and find a solution