What's your worst idea of Hell?, page 1

A great deal of misconception needs to be dealt with, as financial and spiritual dealings with Satan have gotten an undeserved bad rap. We suspect Red infiltration at the highest levels. Firstly; temporarily laid off though he is, Satan is an Archangel and as such is totally incapable of lying. Secondly; Satan is largely responsible for the expulsion from Eden, which though fairly inconvenient for our distant ancestors, has since paved the way for our entire textile and fashion industries, among others. Thirdly; Satan did Fall because of the sin of Pride, and as such he is proud to serve you with unblemished professionalism and zeal. Fourthly; Satan understands the meaning of commitment, as he has continually provided his services and his institutions, with incomparable reliability for an ongoing two billion years. Few others have such impressive credentials.

Satan, being something of an expert in all of the reasonably well known vices, and well versed in the generalities of the more obscure ones, can provide your strangest fantasies at your merest whim. Nevertheless, tradition being what it is, one must be legally bound to Satan before the downpour of goodies begins. Over the years, a fairly straightforward (read: no fine print!) introductory pact has been developed to get one going down the road to happiness, fulfillment and eternal damnation, right away.

The Contract

I relinquish the ownership of my immortal soul into the keeping of Satan, the Master of Evil Demons, Commander of all Ungodly Forces and Unclean Spirits, Inventor of the Sin, Eater of Souls, and Chief Torturer of all dead Heathens and Damned Christians. I furthermore give to him and his subservient creatures the rights and privileges and freedoms entitled to me by the Creator of the Universe, whose name I flout. I understand fully that I will live as a creature of sin and an artist of villainy and corruption in this world, and become a slave of evil in the next; property of the diabolic in both. I shall spurn and debase all things worthy and pure, and I shall make ruin my cause and calling. I shall indulge in joyous cruelties from the pettiest to the most maleficent. I swear that I shall curse the names of all the angels of the host of heaven; and with the aid of my Liege, they shall hear me and be tormented thereby. I shall endeveor to commit all kinds of sin and crimes against the Enemy-who-yet-rules, succeed and blacken the soul of the earth. I am a blasphemy. I am one accursed. I am among the host of the damned.
This Pact, binds me to the Eternal Darkness that is Satan in a manner as irrevocable as his fall into the realms of perdition. There, with my new master, I shall remain in torment and unforgiven until the end of the world.

In return for this sacrifice and for my denial of all that is good and redeeming, I will possess money in substantial quantities, the fulfillment of all of my lusts, and the destruction and degradation of all that opposes my whims. I shall overcome with blackness, succeed in monstrosity, vindicate all scorn, by breaking the Whole. In return for the additional corruption of other people, for every one damned and dead that I am responsible for directly, I shall have my life prolonged in health for another two years and a day.

I fully understand the consequences of the signing of this most unholy pact; I proceed willfully, cognizant of my coming privileges and debts. I furthermore promise to fulfill my debt punctually and without resistance, nor will I pray nor plead for my soul in any way, nor attempt to have others plead in my behalf. I confirm this in this covenant more tightly knit than the bonds of life and death. May the Prince of Darkness take pleasure in my gift and my betrayal, and use such to spread his reign further throughout the phenomenal world by annihilating the spiritual.

Signature:___________________________________

Recent Former Affiliation:________________________

Favorite Sin: _________________________________

Send to your nearest CoS (Church of Satan)

Its easy as sin!

[Edited on 3-6-2003 by MiStErBeLLaTrIx]