That well worn road paved with good intentions.

So, I'm working on turning my life around from the precipice of annihilation, and in the short time I've been engaged in this craft, knowing that I want to remain here in this physical incarnation, at least for a time, the world has responded amazingly to me, ushering me into a new age of deeply satisfying, life affirming situations, but I am discovering that this journey is one walked along the edge of a tightrope. The more amazing my life becomes and the more beneficial I think things are going, the more wrapped back up in the ego I become until very uncomfortable habits begin firing off almost automatically, totally knocking me off of my path and leaving me scattered on the ground to recollect myself.

Is there any way to tame this monster once and for all so that we can work in concert with one another without surrendering my independence? Is this another illusion, a false duality and what I perceive as a separate ego is really just a machination of an even higher aspect of myself, testing me intentionally to see what I might do?

I've been trying to coordinate this awakening with my girlfriend so that her and I might uplift each other in this journey and she is very resistant to this change. Anxiety is just pouring out of her, and she's beginning to snap at me at times, and I honestly don't know what to do. Am I tugging on her too hard, trying to impose my will upon her? Is she viewing this alien will as totalitarian although I might perceive it as beneficial? Obviously, you can lead an Angel to water, but you cannot make her drink, so should I just let her be?

I know 100% that I do not like the state of being I'm in right now and I need to rise above this. I think that what I need to do is accept the decision I've made to be with her for better or worse and figure out ways to remain detached during those moments of hostility so that I do not react to them, learning to march my own path, incorporating her into my life without trying to drag her along. Other than that, I'm kind of clueless.

I can understand more than ever now why people either zen out or surrender their independence to some "higher power," wielding your power virtuously is a serious challenge. As the Kabbalists say, Power must be tempered with Love, otherwise Evil emerges. I think I'm seeing that firsthand presently in my life before me.

a reply to: Nechash

yay mumford and sons!

I dont think people zen out...I actually find it the opposite...people who dont believe or are atheist or whatever have thought long and hard about it. It took me many years to lean away from religion and god...although idk what is really out there...i am usually anti religion and anti god. I think it is more of a challenge to not be religious or have faith...its hard to accept that we just don't know the answers...its easier in my opinion to just say..."have faith"...

a reply to: rockpaperhammock

Yeah, I just use these belief systems as an allegory to relay my experiences in a way others might be able to understand. I am of no mind that I've figured any of this out to a serious level other than the issues my intuition won't remain silent about. It is kind of like a blind man walking along a path with a pager that goes off every once in awhile in strange beeping sequences and then he is left to figure out what the beeps meant without any dictionary whatsoever. Fun times.

a reply to: Nechash

the more wrapped back up in the ego I become until very uncomfortable habits begin firing off almost automatically, totally knocking me off of my path and leaving me scattered on the ground to recollect myself.

Keeps you humble. You are right where you are supposed to be. Consider that being "knocked off the path" is being knocked of the "acceptable" path that everyone one else is on.

Eventually you will come to realize this and won't need to escape from the guilt of failing to measure up and then you won't need to escape anymore.

You will be free from the worlds pull and the bad habits that otherwise keep you down.

a reply to: Nechash

Greetings- I just came upon this writing regarding the 'ego' Please use it or not...

namaste

wn.rsarchive.org...

a reply to: Nechash

Is there any way to tame this monster once and for all so that we can work in concert with one another without surrendering my independence? Is this another illusion, a false duality and what I perceive as a separate ego is really just a machination of an even higher aspect of myself, testing me intentionally to see what I might do?

I woke one morning with this poem in my head. Knowing I would forget it, I rushed to the computer and typed it as fast as possible. It's your answer. I didn't realize at the time how profound it is to leave the first fruit behind as the seed of the next plant grows. Where does the seed come from? The last plant. It's a cycle to spread and fill the soil with new plants. Get rid of the weeds. Be a good gardener.

The Pendulum of Life Swings

A seed is planted in a garden with care
Its Fruit of expectations unknown
An invocation of Spirit to clothe
Something from nothing the goal

Mortal toil evokes the Moving flow
Of swinging extremes to circle an end
With providence and patience a Gardener must tend
The Miracle of One from two

Like is to unlike
As right is to left
Blind wakes to new Light
As a vision obscured

The pendulum swings; must come to its end
Refinement and purpose revealed
The veil of choice leaves the first fruits behind
As One new creation transcends