posted on Sep, 16 2014 @ 02:13 AM
Over two years no post, but I was busy with some engineering related stuff. This is a long post, summarising the indications that we all went actually
nuts. If it should be in "Rant" I apologise.
I am sitting in my office, and actually I am supposed to work. But I can't stop thinking since yesterday, about "why" I am not one of those
"sheeples" - I mean ignorant people, who don't care about politics, the nwo, aliens or whatsoever interests us here on ATS. I always thought they
are empty, and I felt pity for them. There is not one day where I don't read all the major news outlets, pro-west, pro-east, creating my individual
mix in order to find the balance between journalistic whores and the truth, getting even emotional when I realise how much disinformation is out
there. I get angry. I get sad. I know so much and it makes me feel like a zombi at an early sunset.
I am preparing for "the big event" since the early 1990's, an even far bigger than 9/11. My father worked for an unofficial Eastern organisation,
trying to provide the East with Western technology. We moved every 3-4 years and I didn't make a lot of friends. I became interested in all this
"stuff", and I spend a lot of time, money and resources on it. In my "real life" I stumbled across different fields before I became a good
photographer and visual artist, that works in a major company as a Creative Director - I am engaged, have friends, and people would never even imagine
that there is something else. I don't take drugs, medicine or any kind of pills. People are talking about events in mainstream language, from a
mainstream point of view and I just keep smiling and saying "yes, that's right". I wasted enough time trying to "educate" people. I am tired of
Anyway, to the point: A long time ago, I made a registration on a dating website, that basically asks you questions in order to "match" you to
people, that answered the questions the same way (yes, it's OKC). There was a question called "Wouldn't an nuclear war be exiting, in a strange
way", or similar. I answered yes, and never really think about it anymore.
3 years later, with the world getting a much more dangerous place, I am starting to think why I actually answered like this. In some strange way, this
is probably what I want. Or maybe what I need. With all those news, debates, East vs. West, movies, fear, sadness, anger - "Let's get it over with
already" I am saying to myself. Let it just happen so all those debates, disinformations and fractions end once and for all. I didn't care much
about the whole Ebola "thing" until news go out that it could be airborne. Any normal person I know would say "Oh my god, I hope they contain it"
- Yes, I say it too and I force myself into thinking it, but there is this other point coming into my head which goes like "Just imagine if it really
becomes a world pandemic and kills billions of people" - I can't hide the adrenaline rush. It makes me feel exited, in an absurd and totally
disrespectful way. I am thinking about nukes going off in major cities, and how the world would change and life (including my own and that of my loved
ones) would seize to exist, at least as we know it. I am thinking about how I would react, what I would do.
I don't know if this is some kind of sublime fear I am expressing that way, or if it's just some perverse type of disappointment that "the bad
fear-mongering isn't real". Don't get me wrong - I am not a cold monster. I have tears running down my eyes when I talked to people who escaped
Syria as part of one former job, or watching helpless old people in China getting being forced out from their homes. I don't kill spiders, I catch
them in a glass and set them free. I am not aggressive, I am a good man, and yet this thinking is just crazy - or isn't it?
So at the end, what did all this knowledge did to me? I remember when I watched the twin-towers fell - I was in a complete shock, starring at the
screen, but after some time I was thinking "something bigger is going to happen". And with the shock and tears running down my eyes I also felt that
strange excitement of "disaster", wanting more, like a drug.
Maybe my case is isolated, maybe it's not. I am posting it here in oder to understand myself. Understand myself, why thinking of nuclear nuclear war
is somehow romantic, as crazy as it sounds.