Family asking for money....

Ok so my husband works overseas and is gone most of the year. His mother and sister live about 5hrs from us and they live together. Well they BOTH have asked him for money in the past and he denies giving them any as do they. Well I was going through his old phone and saw messages where he gave them BOTH money and I am so beyond pissed it's not even funny. I am very frugal with money and cautious with spending because we have one income. I find it insulting that they would even have the nerve to ask him for money.

We live on one income and it's not a bad income but we have a family. His mother works, gets her social security, money from when her husband passed AND she has money in the bank from the cash sale of her house. She is NOT hurting for money!! I get so tired of her saying how broke she is and how she can't do this until she gets paid. For example she was suppose to visit one week and called and said she had to change it because she had to wait til she got paid. I said ok no problem. Well she calls a week later and says she is coming the next day. I was like I thought you were broke? She just laughed. Sorry but if you can drive 5hrs and miss work YOU ARE NOT BROKE! Broke is when you really have to wait til pay day. I get so sick of her claiming broke yet she is shopping getting her hair done and doing frivolous things people who are truly broke DO NOT do. His sister also works. She also got 20k from an insurance claim, which she lied about and went through that in a matter of months and yet she has the balls to ask him for money too? She just recently last month asked him to help pay HER credit cards off. I mean who does that?! She has also NEVER seen or met her nephew. She has canceled her visits numerous times for stupid lame reasons.

I am so tired of these two ESP his mother manipulating him when it comes to money. She will whisper when she is here and ask him for money and I KNOW she doesn't need it. She manipulates him and he is too damn nice to see it and blind to it. I can see when someone is manipulating another. I worked in a business where my job was to basically manipulate the opposite sex for money. I can see it a mile away! She would have been a great friggin exotic dancer, both of them. It disgusts me that they do this KNOWING we have a child and one income.

I know this is more of a rant but I dont' know what else to do. I have said something to him but he always denies it. His mother is losing her marbles and she will slip up and make comments and I catch on to it. I'm not dumb. She also tried to blame me a while back about a check that was cashed for $200. SHE cashed it and tried to say I did. She signed his name and wrote the check to herself yet tried to say I gave it to her. I was LIVID and he did nothing!

His mother was just here and told me that she told his sister to ask him for money. I mean is she insane or just stupid? I think stupid. She thinks it's funny but I don't. My husband is a giving person and since his dad passed he feels he needs to be the man of the family and I get that but these two leeches are taking advantage of that and I am beyond over it.

I really don't know what else to do or what to say. I just really had to get this out somewhere and figured here was the best place.

a reply to: mblahnikluver
Go to those family members and ask each for $500 and that you really really need it.....Tell them since hubby is away he said to ask them for it from when he lent it to them.

Watch what happens!

a reply to: mblahnikluver
By you guys living on one income, you mean he supports you or you support him?
If you support him I can see your problem, if not then...
If my Mom needed or even wanted ANYTHING I have it would be hers.
My wife would have nothing to complain about either, that girl has more accessories than Barbie.
No really, I make sure she gets what she wants, she knows this and reciprocates.

originally posted by: mysterioustranger
a reply to: mblahnikluver
Go to those family members and ask each for $500 and that you really really need it.....Tell them since hubby is away he said to ask them for it from when he lent it to them.

Watch what happens!

They would call him immediately and ask why I need the money. LOL

Thanks

originally posted by: mysterioustranger
a reply to: mblahnikluver
Go to those family members and ask each for $500 and that you really really need it.....Tell them since hubby is away he said to ask them for it from when he lent it to them.

Watch what happens!

Yep...perfect reply. Ask them for money. You know how to play the game...game them right back.

Don't harp at your hubby about them, that will only cause a wedge between you and he. He is programed from way before he met you, on how to respond to his mom and sister. It will only make him become more secretive about caving into their demands for money. You might want to open only a joint account with your hubby, so both of you have to sign the checks.

Game them right back.

Des

originally posted by: g146541
a reply to: mblahnikluver
By you guys living on one income, you mean he supports you or you support him?
If you support him I can see your problem, if not then...
If my Mom needed or even wanted ANYTHING I have it would be hers.
My wife would have nothing to complain about either, that girl has more accessories than Barbie.
No really, I make sure she gets what she wants, she knows this and reciprocates.

He supports HIS family meaning myself and HIS son.
His mother can get a life of her own and stop mooching off of him. She doesn't NEED anything. She is manipulating him. There is a HUGE difference between needing and manipulation. If she did actually need something I'd understand but she doesn't and THAT is what bothers me. She knows he will give her money if she plays the right cards with him. It is pathetic and WRONG.

Clearly you didn't read the thread...

a reply to: Destinyone

I have his checks. I write them when needed. I dont write anything unless i have checked with him first, which is the right thing to do. I am not use to someone taking care of me. I've always been independent and believe me it's he only thing we argue about. I hate having someone take care of me but right now it makes more sense to have me home with our son because if I was working I'd basically be working to pay for daycare and i don't really want him in daycare. I will go back to work when he is about 3 and can go to VPK which is in a public school. Believe me I am not the type who likes to stay home and not work. I have worked since I was 13. I started out babysitting. I was raised to take care of myself. It's been an adjustment for me and to see his family take advantage of him like that just really irks me.

I don't care if he knew them before me. It is the fact they are MANIPULATING him.

Neither of them need anything from him, they do it because they know he will give it to them and THAT is wrong.

Well, blood is thicker than water is an apt saying, and family bonds produce strange loyalties which outsiders will not fully understand.

My suggestion is to live with it. Your opinion and view of your husband's family may cause friction, so let it be. My wife can be very critical about the way my side of the family functions, and I am guilty of not telling her some family politics, because I just cannot be bothered to explain.

For example, my brother's wife had an affair and when my wife found out she turned on me for not telling her! She did not understand that something's are just not for discussion, moralising and judgement and the fact that she then spent a year moralising and judging proved my point.

Regards

originally posted by: mblahnikluver

originally posted by: g146541
a reply to: mblahnikluver
By you guys living on one income, you mean he supports you or you support him?
If you support him I can see your problem, if not then...
If my Mom needed or even wanted ANYTHING I have it would be hers.
My wife would have nothing to complain about either, that girl has more accessories than Barbie.
No really, I make sure she gets what she wants, she knows this and reciprocates.

He supports HIS family meaning myself and HIS son.
His mother can get a life of her own and stop mooching off of him. She doesn't NEED anything. She is manipulating him. There is a HUGE difference between needing and manipulation. If she did actually need something I'd understand but she doesn't and THAT is what bothers me. She knows he will give her money if she plays the right cards with him. It is pathetic and WRONG.

Clearly you didn't read the thread...

He supports HIS family, I see...
And if you cause friction in HIS family you will not be anymore.
Lucky for you when this happens you might get the majority of the custody.
I did read your OP, and I have gleaned some information about you off of this post as well.
I will wait for future posts on you eagerly.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Allocate a certain amount (that the budget will bear), each month that goes into your own single-named accounts.

The agreement is that you can do anything with the money in the allowance account. No permission required.

Use it to cover agreed items like entertainment, gambling, drinking and frivolous stuff you want but don't need. Suggest he feed his relatives money or contribute to the OJ Simpson legal defense fund or whatev... from the allowance.

Not having to ask permission is the genius.

If you had been going through messages on my old phone I would be very angry ... in fact that would tell me there is a serious trust issue. What you did was underhanded.

His relationship with his mother has nothing to do with you. That relationship was there a long time before you were.

You sound very controlling in my opinion. I wouldn't live with you!

a reply to: g146541

I don't cause friction THEY cause it by being manipulative people.

My family is not like that and they would NEVER manipulate me or anyone for money just because. I dont' care if you are family or not you DO NOT manipulate another person esp your family. It's wrong.

originally posted by: paraphi

My suggestion is to live with it.

Never gonna happen esp when it affects my son and I.

Your opinion and view of your husband's family may cause friction, so let it be.

Sorry I won't let my husband be walked on by anyone let alone his own family.

My wife can be very critical about the way my side of the family functions, and I am guilty of not telling her some family politics, because I just cannot be bothered to explain.

I am not critical of his family. I get along with them just fine I just dont think it's right for either of them to manipulate him when it comes to money. It is wrong.

For example, my brother's wife had an affair and when my wife found out she turned on me for not telling her! She did not understand that something's are just not for discussion, moralising and judgement and the fact that she then spent a year moralising and judging proved my point.

Regards

I've been in the affair situation with a friend not a family member and I told one and the other I stayed out. That kind of situation is definitely a hard one to be put in the middle of.

originally posted by: earthblaze
If you had been going through messages on my old phone I would be very angry ... in fact that would tell me there is a serious trust issue. What you did was underhanded.

I used the phone last and thought it was still my information. I have every right to go through a phone or email. He is my husband. He can go through mine and I could careless. The fact he has lied to me when I have proof just gives me more reason to snoop. Maybe he shouldn't break that trust and i wouldn't have to snoop.

His relationship with his mother has nothing to do with you. That relationship was there a long time before you were.

You sound very controlling in my opinion. I wouldn't live with you!

Oh get off it. I'm far from controlling. His mother is controlling and manipulative. She never gave one poo about him until his dad passed, same goes for his sister. They see him as a money bank. If they cared about him so much they would have before his dad passed and before i came along. They are both manipulative and lie about money and I get put in the middle when money comes up for our needs. They are taking from MY childs mouth and that is wrong.

Pro tip:
If your husband has troubles, then so do you and vise versa. That is if you care to make the relationship work.

You have trust issues and so does your husband if he keeps things from you.
These must stop completely if you plan on being a happy and successful couple.

You seem to resent your husbands family, remember they are your family now as well.
If you cannot see this, you cannot advance.

Like I said, I have gleaned much off of your posts and the best advice I can give you is look within for an answer, aka seek help to find out exactly where the problem is.

I mean professional help, not your girlfriends.
Your girlfriends will all lie and say "Guurl, you gotta git that dolla".
A professional will not lie to you, that is their profession.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

my husband works overseas and is gone most of the year

Why?

Power plays. Mind games. I used to play them but realized that they cost more energy than any good outcome.

I don't blame you for being pissed. Especially if they don't need it. I can't even really discuss the sister since you made no mention of her being disabled or something like that. She can get a job or whatever. If she is able to take care of herself then it is not his part to do it, if she refuses. Let her chips fall where they may.

Now...

It is his mother. If there is a true thought in his mind that she needs it, he is right to supply it. He is probably worried that one time she might truly need it and he can't stand the thought of her going without. That's normal. It's what most normal people would feel/do. Most of us go through life remembering what our parents did for us, what they went without, how hard they worked, etc. But HE IS NOT right to lie about it IMO.

Knowing how you feel about it, you can see how/why he lied. It doesn't make it right... It just makes less waves for him.

You are going to have to go to her. Not him. He can't say no and if it were my mother, I probably couldn't either if for no other reason than there would be one time she really did need it and I refused.

In essence, other than lying to you, he is doing what he should do. SHE is the one taking advantage. So it is her that you are going to have to deal with. You don't want to be the one to drive a wedge between them, then she die and that's all he can think about. You may can shame her into stopping or threaten her into stopping, as it does seem she may be a little low on shame at the moment.

Let her know it is driving a wedge between you and him. Let her know that he is lying to his family because of what she is doing. Let her know that you have no problem giving her money IF she needs it, but she is taking from your monthly money to supply herself when she doesn't need it hence leaving less for her grandchild.

That's about all you can do unless you take it to him and only you know how he will react to you putting your foot firmly down. It's not something I would want to do unless there was no other option to be had and it was taking from bill/food money.

I wish you luck. In laws can be a hot mess. I know. I have had mine for almost 18 years.

Money issues are the biggest cause for divorce.

www.huffingtonpost.com...
www.jrn.com...

Good luck! I feel you are going to need it!

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Two of my recently accquired philosophies in life....

Don't ever borrow money ( With the one exception of buying a home.)

Don't ever lend money unless you can afford to lose it.

In my experience, some people only want you while you are of use to them.
Don't give them the opportunity - drop them first !

( People always have the good intention of paying you back, but somehow the intention fades with time, and the longer time goes on, the less likely you are to get your money back, I learned the hard way, TWICE, with quite large sums of money.)

Taught me a lesson though, it IS only money. I'm no longer as acquisitive of same.