anyone else have experience with being unable to control their emotions?

sstark
reply to post by boncho

 

thank you. I Have a really amazing group of friends, this only comes out in the ones I get close enough to open up, then I get these crazy expectations from them that just can't be met. You're right, all I need is a way to choose not to react

Begs the questions what kind of expectations exactly? And are you opening up for the sake of hearing their opinion, their support, or because you expect something in return. The expectations kinds of suggests you're looking for something in return.

sstark
reply to post by boncho

 

that's exactly what I want to do. I have a hard time even seeing that I'm doing it until hours later, so it's hard for me to identify... well I do 'know' I'm doing it, but it's like I can't acknowledge that thought. I need to reprogram my reactions.

thanks, all of you, your words help

I think nearly everyone has this. I tend to spot them and really grind people on it. "You're doing that thing again."

My relationships are very adversarial. I argue things I don't even believe in simply to see what I can do with the argument. Though I always try to keep emotions out of it, limiting it to jest, otherwise it would be terrible.

In any case, after my poking and prodding people usually pick out mine, and do it to me, and it's a perfect reminder. I often make jokes about my short comings, tell a funny story about it, bring it up light heartedly… then if it happens people might make a joke that "I'm doing it again." Brings me back down to neutral ground.

I know its a little vague, but maybe you will find something in it.

reply to post by boncho


I'm glad I can think of some people I get along with then!
I mostly do this with family members which is normal to some degree but I go mental. My theme song is Muse- madness.
My son sets me off. He's always yelling at me. Other times he's a sweet guy. I take it he has the same problem but can't admit it. I do admit it and apologize for my behaviour. Then I go and mess it up again.

If I'm around nice calm people I can remain calm.

I think if you have some solid foundations with your friends, you really need to bring up these incidents but do it when you can laugh at yourself. Explain to your friends you think your behaviour is outrageous when this happens.

You can even make a safe word, ex. "Banana omelettes." And if you are being an ass, they can start shouting banana omelettes. Choose something that sounds ridiculous, because chances are you both will start laughing when it happens.

There's other methods too. The most important though is starting a dialogue with people that genuinely are looking out for you. And once you address this stuff you can move on to something else.

Just being able to ask someone, "Am I being crazy?" instead of declaring, "Im not crazy!" is a huge step. It means you are considering the opinion of the person next to you.

reply to post by violet

My son sets me off. He's always yelling at me. Other times he's a sweet guy.

I bet he says the same thing!!

I take it he has the same problem but can't admit it. I do admit it and apologize for my behaviour. Then I go and mess it up again.

I think the embarrassment thing is good. A lot of us make major changes to stop us from embarrassing ourselves. I think I made changes in my teens to address this but it was a long and painful process. And a lot of it had to do with elder influences.

I see this with a lot of people. They spas out on the daily on friends and fam, and are ashamed of it.

I think ground rules might be a good idea for you. If you are in a family unit, you might make rules like, "No one is allowed to ask something without a please and thank you." etc…

I mean it's really individualized so you can analyze your own situation or have a family meeting. But if people are all shouting at each other and two hours later they feel ashamed, it really boils down to bad communication. Which boils down to not being an ass.

If 5 people are all being asses to each other, it turns into a shouting match quick. And if those shouting matches aren't discussed and resolved, they snowball.

reply to post by sstark


I think I do notice it, I can tell here I go, but I don't give a # during the moment. I can't stop myself.

reply to post by violet


exactly. you are experiencing the same thing as me here.

reply to post by boncho


I have done one major change this year. I filed for divorce. That was immediately helpful. Suddenly I started sleeping, not going over and over in my head all he had ever done to me.

Change makes change or however that phrase goes. So I'm hoping it will help me to heal somewhat.

My family won't do family meetings or discussions.

Thanks for your advice. I've tried psychologists and haven't found them helpful. They all say there's nothing wrong with me. Clearly there is. The last one asked for me to bring in a family member, but I shuddered at the thought of it turning into a jerry springer show. Airing all my dirty laundry.

reply to post by pheonix358


I've looked into PTSD before and I do think I might have it from age 9 when my mother died. Her last words were not nice, they were as harsh as it gets, then she collapsed. There were times I thought I caused her death. I feel guilty I was relieved she died because she wasn't nice to me. It took me years to cry about her death which is rather odd. I was 24 when I finally broke right down about it. I'm sure she didn't mean it and again maybe I inherited this trait and she had it too?

I will look into PTSD again now . Thank you

reply to post by violet

My family won't do family meetings or discussions.

Very sad to hear. Perhaps it can come about in a less formal way.

In any case I wish you the very best. I think you are on the right path.

Meditation won't make it go away. Meditation will make you more aware of your thoughts so you
you have more opportunities to change the way you think before you act. But it will definitely NOT make it go away.
Meditation is taking tea with you demons.

sstark
it takes hours for the wave of emotion to pass,

Just 'hours'?? Really ... I think that's pretty good - comparatively speaking. Sometimes it takes me years to 'move on' from certain betrayals. I tend to hold grudges. No one here can diagnose you long distance. But it sounds like a little obsessive (about the insults) and compulsive (holding the ill will/grudge) going on ... Perhaps. I have been working on not holding grudges ... it's really hard for me. Each person has their own 'weak point' and that's mine.

Anyways ... I hear ya'. Read up on OCD and see if you think it fits.
Then talk to someone about it if you think it does ...

reply to post by sstark


The only thing that worked for me was reduce my intake and association of people and choose the people I do associate with to be more like minded.

I doubt there is a cure for being thin skinned.

If your male have your testosterone (total and bio available), cortisol (saliva) and estradiol (sensitive) checked.

Just a hunch...

Trying not to sound too new age. We are surrounded by energies. Call them spirits, transcendentals etcs. If you are sensitive enough, your thoughts sometimes may not be your own. I know what you mean though. I am normally a calm person. But sometimes its like an influence is trying to think for me. Some say that the veil between our 3rd dimentional reality and the 4th is becoming thinner. Strange times. My theory is that energy in houses causes this effect more than being outside. It's like when you go outside, its a totally different feeling.

FlyersFan

sstark
it takes hours for the wave of emotion to pass,

Just 'hours'?? Really ... I think that's pretty good - comparatively speaking. Sometimes it takes me years to 'move on' from certain betrayals. I tend to hold grudges. No one here can diagnose you long distance. But it sounds like a little obsessive (about the insults) and compulsive (holding the ill will/grudge) going on ... Perhaps. I have been working on not holding grudges ... it's really hard for me. Each person has their own 'weak point' and that's mine.

Anyways ... I hear ya'. Read up on OCD and see if you think it fits.
Then talk to someone about it if you think it does ...

I hold grudges too, because they torment me. I cannot let go of my husband cheating because he works out of town and the girlfriend called me one evening to tell me " I am his other wife, we own an affluent home in an affluent neighbourhood" then she gave me all the details, kept calling back going one more thing I need to tell you. No they weren't married, but it absolutely shocked me. He was leading a double life. He never apologized. I told him to please sell that house and stop talking about how great it was. He wouldn't sell it, claiming he was not about to lose money. He would say I was holding him back not desiring to be rich.

I didn't even know he was that rich. He even used our matrimonial home to finance this house. Pretended we were getting a joint account together, but it was a line of credit out of our home. In the bank, I asked to read the papers and the bank guy said " come on, nobody actually reads these. You're slowing this down" . He must have talked the banker into conning me. So thanks to this I am responsible for 170k loan. Not only that, he did it again and only when I logged onto my RBC bank profile online did I discover I also owe 640k!! I am m in debt 810k !!

I'm divorced now trying to get my name off these effing debts. I had a stroke in 2010 and I think it's that bitch telling me stuff and him not apologizing. He pretended in 2011 we were moving into this big house he bought, which is the 640 debt, I packed all my stuff but it was all a big fat lie. I think he has millions of dollars I can't get my half of. Not that I ever wanted that, but now I'm disabled I really need it to survive. We found out he earns 198k a year!

I need to feel compensated because it's eating me up he gets away with this

It was the day I realized this was all a big fat lie that I filed for divorce. I was brain damaged not really noticing what I signed. I only had one hand to use and the lawyer had her hand holding the paper for me, covering up the bank thing. He got this bank to sign me on without me entering the bank. I was scammed like you wouldn't believe.

It's why I keep getting upset. I blamed myself for not being a woman who wanted to be rich , maybe the girlfriend did and that made her better than me. I heard she wasn't attractive. I am or was until I got put in a wheelchair.

teetime
If your male have your testosterone (total and bio available), cortisol (saliva) and estradiol (sensitive) checked.

Just a hunch...

edit on 15-2-2014 by teetime because: (no reason given)

Really good idea here too actually. Best to see an endocrinologist rather than your GP. They are way better versed in hormone levels and the information docs go on is generally subpar. Meaning you will find much better treatment should you need it, with an endo specialist.

Contrary to popular belief testosterone is generally not found to have any links to "rage" like the old myth of "roid rage". It effects a small % of the population and actually increases mood levels in most.

RESULTS:
Testosterone levels were significantly associated with stress in both males and females. However, whereas this association exhibited a "threshold effect" in males, it demonstrated a direct and continuous linear relationship between these variables in females. Hostility was not correlated with testosterone levels in neither males nor females.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov...

What's interesting is that stress can cause your natural test to drop, and because you have female hormones in your system (relatively low amounts), the hormonal instability can cause big swings in your mood. Something very similar to female PMS.

There are many reasons to eliminate stress and even the people who may be stressors in your life. Stress, by inducing the fight-or-flight stress response, makes men less competitive, less assertive and also, as it turns out, less fertile. Cortisol, the stress hormone produced by adrenal glands, blocks the effects of testosterone which suppresses libido, healthy competitive drive and aggression.

www.huffingtonpost.ca...

Some people may fear increased "aggression" but aggression has a very wide interpretation. This can make you more assertive, more motivated, and give you an extra kick in the ass when you need it. It is very important to balance your emotions however, before and during any type of hormonal therapy. Most importantly, you need to speak with the endo doc about keeping your hormone levels as flat lined as possible. The major problems happen when they spike, or are generally out of whack.

reply to post by violet


I'm sorry violet but that doesn't sound like you are holding a grudge. It sounds like you are very mad at yourself and your ex. Which is understandable. Until you get resolution out of that situation though you are right to seek closure. Once you have closure (get your credit back) and if you still loath him or treat him differently, then you can say you have a grudge.

Im not sure if there is a legal case but it might be worth talking to the lawyer or the police.

If the story is how you describe you were taken advantage of and any debt incurred for financing someone else's love shack should be transferred on to them and you should get your credit back.

I don't know the exact circumstances but if you had documentation or proof of their relationship, plus stated actions surrounding the purchase, you could easily prove fraud. You would need things explaining you were told it was for a line of credit when you were not informed it being a joint account though and I doubt you have it. (No one usually documents these kinds of things with partners) And since you signed the papers without looking at it, that doesn't help.

Still it might be worth asking for some legal advice.

reply to post by sstark


OP,I do believe there is no reason to be worried. Has it ever occurred to you that the "slights" you recieve and interpret are exactly what you feel they are and that your reactions are legitimate and are signals that you are growing as an individual?

It may not be comfortable to consider that you could be exposing yourself to people that dont fit your evolving perspective,people do change,and when we change as individuals there is a natural lag-time between the action and the awareness of the action,in other words we dont always see ourselves evolving on a personal level in a mirror in real time,it is the consequences of our decisions and the cognizant realisation of those impacts on those around us which show us our progress.

Is it wrong to have a bad reaction when you consume something toxic,or if you rub against poison Ivy is it wrong to break out in a rash?If you encounter people who assault your integrity be it intentionally or unintentionally then is it wrong to have a reaction to that slight,causality aside the way you are feeling it is valid and justifies a reaction,dont be so hard on yourself you are human.Maybe things that didnt evoke strong reactions a year or a month or a day or even an hour ago will do that in your present moment,but remember that we are constantly learning and we are also constantly incorporating new data into ourselves,you may also simply notice things you didnt pay attention to in the past because of inner growth, for example maybe you didnt have an awareness of a specific current issue in the world but an hour ago you learned that this issue existed and it impacted you strongly,say you watched a documentary about an unusually high suicide rate within a small special interest group to which you normally do not pay attention to and this new data causes you to form an opinion on the issue that is NEW to you,if you encounter the topic with old friends and people who only are aware of your "past" considerations of the issue they may clash with your "newfound" perspective,no one is wrong in this situation,you have simply grown as an individual and are suffering growing pains,this is how we leave the past behind and forge new future perspectives for ourselves,it is always hard to leave old habits,ideas,and friends behind,but this is life.

The best safeguard you can utilise is to verbally release your emotions using a set phrase you decide fits you,for example get yourself a small business sized card and write down the phrase you choose for yourself, eg. "I am not sure if you meant to evoke a strong emotional reaction from me with the comment you just made or if it was even directed at me,but I have in fact just felt a strong reaction to what you just said or did,could you please repeat that comment if it wasnt intended to evoke a strong emotional reaction from me so I may have a chance to reinterpret it,my relationship with you is important and I want to be sure we are on the same page." That statement may be a bit long or it may not be your personal choice of words,but clarification is key here,if after you ask for and recieve clarification and your emotions are still the same and at the same level them TRUST YOURSELF and make an immediate geographical relocation be it to the other side of the room or to the restroom or across the street or for that matter across town,but dont allow yourself to be made to react emotionally and assume there is something wrong with your perspective.

Being loud and emotional is normal, if you find yourself having negative thoughts that include harm to others beyond the verbal reactions you are experiencing then you need to talk to a professional counsellor or a doctor because these are not normal reactions to be having.I do not think there is anything wrong with being loud and passionate when you feel that way and this includes shouting or yelling,I do it all the time when I am happy so why shouldnt I do it if I am unhappy? As long as there are no harmfull thoughts towards others forming in your mind in those moments that you may unintentionall or intentionally act upon then I would consider these verbal passionate reactions to be normal,wherever you happen to be.If you find that you are restricted by your environment from being yourself consider a change of environment before you consider suppressing yourself and your passion and right to express your emotions verbally.Some people work and live in environments which require them to be constantly controlled and suppressed 24/7 and they develop health problems and life problems simply because the environment no longer fits their perspective and personal needs to express themselves fully and completey.If you work in an office and find you need to be vocal and passionate regularly and it doesnt fit that environment then simply consider seeking out one that fits you and your needs better,look into jobs that allow you to be boisterous and loud and vocal and passionate,there are environments that fit all of us if we know where and when to seek them out.Working on a construction site for example will allow you different status qou parameters than an office will,these are just a few example but there are thousands and thousands of environments you can choose to live your life within.

Dont be afraid to grow and learn about the new you.Our world is a wild and woolly and wonderfull place and there is room for everyones perspective and also room for everyone to grow provided of course there are no thoughts of aggression or violence happening in those moments and if there are then seek out professional assistance to deal with them immediatly.

reply to post by sstark


You're basically describing this one particular emotional disorder. If it is making your life difficult, try talking to a psychologist.