Need Advice from those so Inclined to offer (Happy Thanksgiving to All)

The situation requires a background to be fair to those that have advice to offer. I could give a watered down version, one sided in my direction, but I have to be honest to a fault. Therefore, I will be rather scathing about my own mistakes in this scenario. Let me have it full guns blazing for those that don't approve. I would appreciate the benefit of the doubt, however, I may not deserve it.

3 years ago I lost a custody battle involving my son. My ex was manipulative prior to the divorce and created a situation that gave me no chance by conspiring to keep the house out of my name and making it impossible for me to challenge the fact my son deserved to stay in the house and go to his same school. I didn't want to make an issue of it because I didn't want to drag him through a negative situation any worse than it already was. I received a structured visitation/shared custody schedule that detailed specifics regarding holidays and specific dates throughout the year.

I was able to maintain a relationship with him that was the best possible one I could have. I didn't live very close anymore and it was difficult for him to go through the process, I did the best I could. He was 12 at the time and now he is becoming a teenager, but I am not able to be near him right now and that is difficult for me to handle. I got remarried and had a situation that required my spouse and I move to a different city. It was work related and unavoidable, but I have done what I can to maintain contact with my kid daily through Skype and phone calls. I think he was relieved that the shared custody situation didn't require him coming to my house anymore; it was a huge inconvenience for him to go through that during a school week.

Before the divorce, my son and I had a very close relationship; I made sure I was home everyday when he got out of school. I was the disciplinarian for his behavior problems and he understood never to lie to me. This changed drastically for obvious reasons, but it recently hit me really hard because of this problem I am sharing and asking for advice on how to handle. Usually, I have all the answers, but this time I am doing my best to not jump to conclusions and react with anger.

Thanksgiving is not especially important to me except for the fact how important it was to my Mother before she passed. It was written into my visitation schedule as being the only holiday that was non-negotiable for that reason. My Father is still with us and even though I am not there, it was expected that my son would still be with my family. I asked him for 3 weeks what the plan was and he told me my Father had not been cleared to travel yet and if they didn’t go to Atlanta this week that he was going to be with my Father.

The last time we talked, yesterday, my son lead me to believe that the situation was this: They were not going to Atlanta and he would be spending time with my Father and we would talk today. I called my son….no answer…looked on Skype…not logged on….called my Father…in Atlanta….what? When I talked to my Father he informed me that he offered to take my son with him, but he declined in order to go with my ex to his uncles house instead…needless to say…I am furious, but at who? Myself, my son, my ex?

Well myself for not asking the right question, my son for flat out lying to me and my ex for making sure my son was not in contact with me today. I know how manipulative my ex can be and the kind of crap that can be spoken to my son about me to justify behavior…I am trying really hard not to be angry with my son about this, but I feel as though our relationship has just taken a turn I never wanted. I don’t expect to talk to him at all this weekend now and I may not have the chance to repair this ever and I am just so angry and sad and hurt. I really hope he has a good explanation, but I may not even deserve one or get the truth either way.

So, what should I do? Wait for him to contact me or confront him? Or just blow it off and not pursue any of it at all? I mean the damage is done right? I don’t want to lose him anymore than I have already? Do I have a right to know? Or did I forfeit that when I allowed myself to be manipulated out of custody? Does the fact I moved make my rights disappear? Am I overreacting? I am really interested in hearing opinions on this matter.

Thanks,

Soul

reply to post by soulpowertothendegree

So, what should I do? Wait for him to contact me or confront him? Or just blow it off and not pursue any of it at all? I mean the damage is done right? I don’t want to lose him anymore than I have already? Do I have a right to know? Or did I forfeit that when I allowed myself to be manipulated out of custody? Does the fact I moved make my rights disappear? Am I overreacting? I am really interested in hearing opinions on this matter.

Having been through this myself I'd just say allow your son to go where HE wants on the holidays. This isn't about you or your rights. If you must confront him at all simply remind him that you don't appreciate any lies and leave it at that.

As you say, he's a teenager now and pretty soon he'll be moving out on his own. Maintain the contact with him at his comfort level and you'll most likely have him back in your life.

reply to post by soulpowertothendegree


Its a real hard one to judge but by the sounds of it thus far your son who is a teenager like I was once when I ran off to live in a tree house in back of my friends house ..The plan was to raid his parents place for food that we might need to live .

Hey give it a chance and the benefit of the doubt and put yourself in his shoes at his age ...no no no dont do that because as I recall ...shiver just thinking about it now ,,,well bud you did and still try to do the best you can ...welcome to the gang ....best wishes and prayers to you and yours ...peace

reply to post by soulpowertothendegree


Hi Soul,

My parents divorced when I was six. I have had three stepdads and one stepmother since. My advice would be for you to make a conscious decision to lessen your anger and use the incident as opportunity to open up to better communication with your son. My mom "kidnapped" me and my brother to another city when I was eleven. My dad sued her and my parents subsequently worked out another visitation schedule. I always loved visiting my father, but at the same time, I often felt like I was missing out on my social life by having to visit someone in another city on a regular basis. And I think it was most difficult dealing with this as a teenager.

Regarding the lies you believe your son told you, I would not confront him aggressively but I also wouldn't just let it slide off either. That could make it worse. I would definitely just tell him you talked to your dad and learned that he in fact wanted to take him to Atlanta and offered to. Ask your son why he told you something else and let him know that you want him to be open and honest with you about everything. If there's something else going on that he needs to attend to and it means he has to reschedule a visit, tell him to tell you about it verses making up some story.

I've had numerous situations like yours growing up. One time it was fathers day and my mom never told us. We were out of town at the time and the whole day went by and we didn't call our dad. He was heartbroken over it. I felt so sad and guilty. My mom was usually pretty good about not talking poorly of my dad and vice versa, but she usually hated to see us leave for a visit and would often pressure us to reschedule or do whatever we wanted when it came to visits with our dad. Your son could very well be experiencing some of this but I would say it's ultimately no one's fault and more of a common occurrence for children of divorced parents.