Loneliness, how do you deal with it?

reply to post by TKDRL


Hey Guy . . .

Understandable feelings.

However, feelings are only information. They can be useful, encouraging or destructive.

Feelings are NOT

--oxygen
--water
--food
--clothing
--shelter
--transportation
--employment
. . .

. . .

or even sex, though they can enhance or detract from sex.

You can obsess over them and give them more power to be destructive.

Or, you can look at them like a rock you might pick up . . . turn it over and look at all sides; break it apart and look at the inside . . . and lay it aside.

Or, you can bemoan how the rock must be poisonous and is certainly going to destroy you in some paranoid fantasy sort of way.

It can be useful to feel the feelings clearly then lay them aside.

FEELINGS MAKE A TOLERABLE SERVANT AND A TERRIBLE SLAVE MASTER.

Put them in their place--even if you have to RESIST ruminating over them 10 times a minute. Eventually, IF you persist diligently enough at the ignoring their terrorizing you--you'll resist them in a disciplined enough way to neuter their terrorizing of your thought processes.

IT WAS HELPFUL FOR ME at the end of my worst and longest long dark night of the soul--about 5 years, IIRC--to begin to reach out--DOING caring things toward others even if it was only a friendly word and smile to folks on the street who looked sad or harried.

Ditto visiting lonely people in the hospital.

Volunteering helping with amputees etc.

WE FEEL BEST ABOUT OURSELVES WHEN WE DO GOOD THINGS THAT WE KNOW ARE ADMIRABLE.

Folks who put you down for being born in the USA or for whatever other shallow reason are probably not worth your time and bother anyway.

It IS sad that there are SOOOOOOOOO FEW AUTHENTIC, WORTHY, FAITHFUL, LASTING, SOLID FRIENDSHIPS of almost any kind--sadly--too often, even in the BEST churches. Sheesh what has happened to people?

Oh, right, the globalist oligarchy has been working hard to shred all older notions of faithfulness, integrity, diligence, loyalty etc. in relationships for more than 60 years--VERY EFFECTIVELY.

And, MOST CRITICALLY--THEIR EFFORTS HAVE MADE

ATTACHMENT DISORDER RAMPANT

which has resulted in a culture globally of

. . . ORPHANS . . . .

Orphans are desperately only interested in cobbling together their own security and provision. They have no capacity to TRUST OTHERS--whether that be you or anyone else. And, you are likely just as much an orphan in mentality, emotions, psycho-dynamics as the rest of us.

Again, see this thread and the book referred to therein:

www.abovetopsecret.com...

As to your larger question of what to do about loneliness . . .

AT some level, everyone on the planet is alone in their own skin. Even identical twins speaking a special language can FEEL alone and in many existential senses, be alone.

It is part of the human condition. Personally, I think that is part of what is designed to drive us to seek fellowship with God--that which we were created for.

Regardless . . .

We can wallow in self-pity over our aloneness or do WHAT WE CAN to help lessen it.

I don't know of a perfect answer.

I only know some things that work. AS I noted--reaching out to those I see even on the street--who are lonely or discouraged etc. . . . hospitals, old folks' homes, orphanages. But, please, don't do any heavy duty bonding with anyone unless you are willing to follow through for a few years as much as possible. Don't be Lucy with Linus and the football.

And, one of the BETTER personally rewarding things is to take some craft or art class at the local Jr College or some such where you CAN DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HANDS and thereby see a useful or beautiful product of your personhood and skills.

AND DOING SO IN THE SOCIAL CONTEXT WITH THE OTHER STUDENTS DOES HELP LESSEN THE LONELINESS A LOT.

PLEASE avoid such notions as 'ending it all.' That's not productive and really could be an avenue for greater pain and disappointment than you can imagine. Talk to someone--even a help line--whatever to avoid that.

PLEASE.

No one else on the planet or in all creation has your unique perspective on life and reality. That's priceless. Avoid robbing the rest of us, of that, please.

Anyway--you are welcome to toss the above, if you see fit.

I just care and am offering my perspective in the hopes that some bits of it might be useful &/or encouraging to you.

ADDED:

In terms of marriage etc., the following is one of the BEST articles I've EVER read on the topic. Perhaps there's an insight or two in it that could be useful to you in your ponderings:

sethadamsmith.com...


Blessings, Prayers.

I deal with loneliness the only way I can...alone.

That whole 'woe is me' routine is a major turn off. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get some hobbies that make use of your innate talents, get something to be proud of about yourself, learn to like being alone with yourself (because if you can't stand being with you, no one else will either), try some weight-lifting to give yourself a sense of pride and improve your posture which I can bet is bent over and downtrodden looking; stop 'almost' threatening suicide because all you'll attract is other wounded people or abusers.

I'm truly sorry you were lied to as a child about religion and god. While there may be a supreme force to the universe, it's not the guy on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. And any 'force' that could create the immensity of space and time, and billions of galaxies, is probably a bit too busy elsewhere to hear human pleadings.

Think of it this way, 'The Universe Helps Those Who Help Themselves...'

Consider making friends, real friends, of whoever comes along your path; stop trying to get girls into bed and then realizing there's nothing backing up the libido pounce.

Get off the computer and start meeting people out in the real world. Stay out of bars, they're just full of drunk, petty and shallow people. Volunteer at the local animal rescue (lotsa cute girls there and a puppy or kitten is a great icebreaker) or hospital or library. None of those places will turn down free helpers.

Figure out what you want to do with your life, if you never get a mate. Or if you have a series of mates. Or if you end up having many friends, but no one special. Or if one special one comes along, you'll have a balance to things.

TKDRL
reply to post by Akragon

 

Haha touche(dunno if that was spelled right). Well is god such a picky dude, that he can ignore a preteen, young teen begging for help? Personally I didn't care. Until girls showed me it was apparently OK to rip my heart out of my chest.

What makes you believe he ignored you?

You likely got exactly what you needed to learn at that point in your life...

It not that HE is picky... More like HE knows what you need even before you ask...

Heart break is a hard lesson, but its needed just as much as anything else... We must learn from what we are given, or we are doomed to repeat what we didn't learn from

reply to post by signalfire


That whole 'woe is me' routine is a major turn off. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get some hobbies that make use of your innate talents, get something to be proud of about yourself, learn to like being alone with yourself (because if you can't stand being with you, no one else will either), try some weight-lifting to give yourself a sense of pride and improve your posture which I can bet is bent over and downtrodden looking; stop 'almost' threatening suicide because all you'll attract is other wounded people or abusers.


that sounds like you've been on dating sites.....

reads a lot like ''what women want''(or do not want..... sorry).... on a.....computer!!!''


ETA; OP..... PM me if you need a chat!!! going through 99% the same thing right now!!!





'

reply to post by TKDRL


do some volunteer or charity work.

meet like minded people and help people or the environment.

I know how it feels, for years i never had an intimate relationship because I'm awkward and shy, the moment I talk to women my tongue decides to go on strike. The other day i tried to say hello to a pretty cashier and all that came out was "how are your doin day?" I was facepalming myself on the inside.

You've gotta have hope though, there are others out there who are just the same as you, and you could find them in the strangest situations.

And I wouldn't worry about not being in the best position to offer a girl something, it's societies fault that more and more women are superficial, not yours. Besides, who wants a relationship based on the material? A decade ago I was lucky enough to date a formal model who was 8 years my senior. I won't lie, the physical side was great, but she was intelligent as a gnat (she pronounced 'reign' as 'region') and treated me like an ATM. In the end I perferred to be alone.

Never give up, the right person will come along but don't expect it to happen overnight. Good luck to you.

reply to post by TKDRL


Found a good wife.
Kept her through thick and thin.
Put someone before me, she did the same.

The OP sounds like he's still suffering from 'nice guy syndrome'.

I say "still" because it's a process of evolution that every male goes through on his march towards adulthood...but some get stuck there.

There comes a moment of epiphany when your eyes are opened and you realise that men and women are truly different. On many levels.

If she opens up to you and becomes all sweet and sentimental - maybe calls you a pet name - it seems only natural to respond in kind. You quickly realise that's not a good idea.

This is how you should react: "Yeah, whatever. I'm going to the garage now to fix my bike."

It's counter-intuitive but that's the way to play the game.

Women like to express the love for their man in a soft, sentimental way...men are NOT supposed to respond in kind.

Opening up to your intended and wearing your heart on your sleeve is equivalent to spraying yourself all over with Woman Repellent.

Also, get some male friends or at least one close male friend.

It makes women insanely jealous for some messed up reason.

You can be sure that she - not you - will be the clingy one, as she competes with your mate for his affections/attention.

I'm 53 now and past caring - I enjoy my own company and living alone. Sometimes I feel lonely, but it quickly passes.

But because I no longer care, and therefore not actively looking for a partner, I not infrequently get asked out on dates by women at work.

But they're very subtle.

A man would say, "Fancy coming out for a drink with me this Friday?"

A woman would say, "A few of us are going out for a drink this Friday - fancy coming?"

They're going out for a drink anyway, so if you say no...she saves face.

Clever.

Akragon

TKDRL
reply to post by Akragon

 

Haha touche(dunno if that was spelled right). Well is god such a picky dude, that he can ignore a preteen, young teen begging for help? Personally I didn't care. Until girls showed me it was apparently OK to rip my heart out of my chest.

What makes you believe he ignored you?

You likely got exactly what you needed to learn at that point in your life...

It not that HE is picky... More like HE knows what you need even before you ask...

Heart break is a hard lesson, but its needed just as much as anything else... We must learn from what we are given, or we are doomed to repeat what we didn't learn from

Exactly this. The hardest thing a parent has to do is let their children fail on their own. But if they didn't they wouldn't learn to get back up and try again. Dealing with loneliness can be a difficult thing. First you have to learn to be at peace with yourself. Then you have to learn how to open up to people without making yourself too vulnerable. No one wants to be with someone that hates themselves and life.

reply to post by TKDRL


When I am lonely, I listen to this:



And then this:



These tunes are about a lot of things, but primarily, for me, they remind me that none of us is ever truly alone. Whether you unite under the banner of brutality, as most metal heads would, or for some other purpose, you will always share a common bond with another person on this planet, whether you have met them or not. And you share a common bond with all of us members here TKDRL. Hell, Nemesis by Arch Enemy could be our theme tune here!

Sometimes being one of a number can be a good thing, and like the song says, "we are one".

All of that said dude, I hope life stops crapping on you. You deserve better than that.

The best advice I ever got about being successful with the opposite sex is....

Read this book....

archpsyc.jamanetwork.com...

Learn the subtle cues of attraction.

And if all else fails the strategy that has never let me down when trying to make friends with the ladies...

Have a nice dog, play a little guitar and sing and go to places where you can hang out play interact with other musicians [some of them are women], play some music, have a few drinks, and let nature take it's course. Even if you are the shy type; this strategy can work in your favor.

The week you spend learning how to play the guitar will reward you with a lifetime of enjoyment both in playing for yourself and interacting with others. You will never feel lonely again. There is a connection between musicians that is almost spiritual.

I guess the bottom line is...get out there, interact, feel your connectedness with others, expect rejection, just LIVE!!!

Don't be afraid to make the first move. The secret is... most people are as afraid as you are and waiting for someone to interact with them. BE THAT PERSON!!!

The next lesson will be in fail safe opening lines to peak her/his interest in you

The sting of loneliness gets easier to ignore over time.

I've been single the majority of my life and have never had any friends with benefits. I just take solace in the things I enjoy and my friends and family.

reply to post by TKDRL


i gave in to the inner hermit nearly 5 years ago and have never looked back i do not like being about people too much and can go weeks or months without speaking to someone no problem .

as for the sex i woke up one morning and someone had stolen my mojo and i never bothered looking for it .
way to much hassle anyway and nowdays i never think about it .

enjoy the freedom when i look at the couples that i know most of them just argue most of the time and hate each other .

i lock the door and love the peace and quiet -i aint giving in

geobro


I enjoy the freedom when i look at the couples that i know most of them just argue most of the time and hate each other .

That rationalization is not freedom amigo! The ecstasy of being in love is well worth the pain that sometimes follows.

Perhaps I'm just an incurable romantic. Perhaps that's why women find me attractive and fun to be around.

olaru12

geobro


I enjoy the freedom when i look at the couples that i know most of them just argue most of the time and hate each other .

That rationalization is not freedom amigo! The ecstasy of being in love is well worth the pain that sometimes follows.

Perhaps I'm just an incurable romantic. Perhaps that's why women find me attractive and fun to be around.

Funny you accuse him of making rationalizations and then swiftly follow up with your own.

Different strokes for different folks I guess eh? I just know I have yet to and expect not to ever meet someone who is worth opening up to.

reply to post by olaru12


what ever wheekles your whackle bud if its good for you and your happy i just hope you dont get sciattica and leave that £ 70.000 a year job then lose your sex drive

reply to post by TrueBrit


Great taste in music lol. Got a hangover the size of texas right now, will have to wait a bit on listening to metal

reply to post by TKDRL


Metal with a hang over is pretty much kill or cure. I remember the last time I was at a rockfestival, being hung over all to heck, stumbling off to see the first band, and feeling like a new man when their performance was over. Mind you, how much of that was the sweet country air, and how much was having that air driven into my skull at frenzied pace by the speakers I could not possibly say!

reply to post by TrueBrit


Haven't met a hangover yet that isn't cured with a mug of coffee and 2 litres of water