Social Issues - Bullying

Hi,

Not sure if this is the right place, but I'm posting this under social issues as it probably is the closest fit to categorize 'bullying'.

We all hate bullies, don’t we? But none of us really take the time to think what turned them into such bullies in the first place? Sometimes it is worthwhile to stop and rethink of how we label others – because it is in our labelling and castigation of such people that the cycle repeats itself for the next generation to suffer. We must remember that it is our paradigm, our definition of how we define others but not in fact taking the time to comprehend what made them turn that way. They too after all, began with humble innocent beginnings.

It could stem from constant rejections, the continued reprimands from individuals whom they once looked upon as heroic role models (say a guardian, parent, elder sibling or teacher). The inability to cope with such rebuke especially when it comes from individuals whom they once idealised; traumatises them to such an extent that the subconscious deeply buries the trauma even they themselves cannot recollect the event. The subconscious then replaces such negative sense of self-worthlessness with a do-whatever-may mentality and a total disregard to anyone’s opinions. This of course is a safeguard mechanism for the self not to feel rejected again.

Perhaps the blame lies within the extended socio-cultural environment the person grows up in – with all the pressures to fit in and look cool. Whatever the case is, our world is quick to judge. Young deviants today are quick to upload bullying videos to YouTube (that latest senseless fad to keeps us all occupied). And there are those who equally relish watching them, wanting to overcome their own insecurities with a twisted mental satisfaction of the retribution to the wrongs they could not payback in their own lives. All take pleasure in seeing how somebody gets their head kicked in a video conveniently titled Bully Gets Payback or some such absurdity, and to equate that to justice is abhor-able to say the least. Of course none care to verify the background reality or take time to think how truly sad when essentially it is just a fight between two victims.

While one must stress that under no circumstances is bullying to be condoned; certainly to redress the bully from behaving that way in future one can indeed go a long way if a mentor (say parent, moral guardian, teacher or anyone the individual idealises) takes some time to understand where the sense of ‘unworthiness’ stems from. Of course that shouldn’t mean dispatching them off to some psychiatrist at their earliest convenience; which in turn will just make the problem worse – with many a psychiatrist prescribing quick-fix anti-depressants. Rather these said mentors should seek and through their actions help redress the conceptual wrongs in the individual’s subconscious mind.

For it is our subconscious that can be so vulnerable on how the world judges us; when it tries to endorse what we perceive as others’ opinions of us; when in fact it is farthest from the truth.

I guess I am from the old school train of thought. Sometimes people are mean... just because. Bullying has been around since the beginning of time and has been addressed in almost every way imaginable yet it still exists. There is no doubt that there are folks with "issues", but I feel most of it is just who people are. Some are born more strong willed than others. Some kids/adults will never stand up for themselves either, regardless of nature vs. nurture IMO. Same goes for bullies. They could have had a seemingly perfect life and still be a complete arse for no other reason than they enjoy it.

I feel like we have come to a point that society wants to name, blame, fix, improve, etc any flaw we see in others that we can not conceive of ourselves as having. If something is distasteful to us, we want to know what causes other people to feel the opposite about it. In the past people were bullied and there was no huge public outcry over it. It was a fact of life. Not a very enjoyable one, but one nonetheless. I am not sure what has changed since then.

GRANTED--- I do not condone it. I don't want my child bullied. I don't want anyone bullied, but I can not pinpoint when the switch happened or what line was crossed for things like dodgeball to be cut out to prevent hurt feelings. At some point it seems it just blew up. Now the media tells us that it is out of control. Did it increase exponentially? The amount of reported cases I have no doubt did. The question is why?

Are we (as parents) too over protective? Can we not allow our children to handle some situations on their own? Again.... I am not talking about the extreme cases we see reported. Learning how to handle a bully was almost a right of passage a few decades ago. It was one of the many experiences that helped prepare one for the cold, cruel, world.

My heart does break for those that have taken their life because of bullying. I do feel like there are usually severe underlying issues going on mentally when this happens though. 99.9% of us would not commit suicide because we were picked on. The tragedy is still the .1% at the end of the day.

I don't know what the answer is. I just feel like we are trying to diagnose some people who are just meaner than we are. There isn't always a logical reason. Sometimes it is what it is. Perhaps something more could be done if we stop trying to look for a mysterious reason why someone is an ass. They may be just an ass and blaming it on something else just gives them permission to be an even bigger ass.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Yep I kind of agree with you. Some people are just nasty because they can get away with it. My daughters all suffered bullying at school and I don't know why. I remember being bullied as a small kid when I walked home from school by older kids that I looked up to. In the end I fought fire with fire and became aggressive as soon as I saw them,swearing, hurling abuse, swinging my suitcase at them, spitting at them and making them get out of the way. You can only put up with so much.
I think many bullies think that they are superior to everyone else and your very existence is an affront to them. You are inferior and insult them by being near them. Or they can look tough in front of their mates. But there definitely seems to be a culture of bullying and it is only getting worse. It almost seems government sanctioned because they don't do much to stop it.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Thank you for your excellent reply. I’m attempting to open the mind of those of us who perceive bullies as just someone/somebody who have nothing better to do but to be ‘mean’. It is contrary to human nature to be hated by others. There is a ‘pull’ from something or somewhere that makes them become total rejects. Nobody wants to be a reject. Castigating bullies as social outcasts is, of course a natural reaction, especially when someone is protective over the victim.

Case in point : You mention some are born strong-willed than others. But how do we really know if one is indeed as strong-willed as they portray themselves to be? People who have intense social-anxiety can portray themselves to be ‘all-that’ and more. This is inherently true in type-A personalities who aim to be perfectionists in everything (a disorder as there is no perfection – whose perfection? One’s deemed perfection is not necessarily the same for another). Such people can face intense self-made pressure to be accepted by everyone and everything while the subconscious never accepts in reality this is not a possibility at all. So they eventually turn to substance abuse (drugs, alcohol, smoking) to relieve the self-inflicted stress and abscond from facing anyone. It’s at this stage they become abusive to others. As the subconscious deems any person making a vindictive judgement on them whereas none actually exists. This is why you see a lot of those who are “under the influence” misbehaving and aggressive towards others.

You correctly point out that today’s society makes it a point to highlight the flaws we in others as if we ourselves don’t have. It is inherent in all humans – except we all have varying degrees of concealing these flaws.

reply to post by grumpy64


So sorry to hear that you and your daughter were bullied. It is interesting to hear that you eventually became aggressive as well – swearing, hurling abuse, spitting et al. Unfortunately if one is not careful, it could create a repetitive vicious cycle as one gets used to it. I think bullies find a way of fitting into society when they find there’s someone weaker than them. It is their way of getting acceptance in a world that probably didn’t provide them much acceptance.

Bit of a different view point on it now, bullying is a natural part of life and will always be with us. Not just on the playground but in the work place. Sometimes its much worse then others (and in turn can cause people to seek what they believe as the easy way out and you cannot blame people for doing things like this, only that authority figures did not do anything about it). IMO there are 3 main types of bully:

1. Bullying because of social pressure: We have all seen it in "movies" where 2 friends goto a new place and to fit with the "cool" kids (this also majorly happens in the work place) one if forced to turn on the other which is the worst form of bullying.

2. Bullying due to upbringing: When a child has a traumatic upbringing or neglected one they can go one of two ways; either they become secluded and are then bullied by the 3rd type of bully or they themselves take their anger out on weaker targets.

3. Bullying because people are b***ards: Need I say more?


That aside and knowing how horrible it can be to be bullied (5 years during my education) I will say this, like some replies I would never want my children to go through it but at the very same time I came out of it a better person, I never let these people get to me completely and now Im in a semi successful job (very good money but no career progression) and the people who bullied me?

3 in prison and the other 2 claiming benefits as no one will hire them due to "past records"; now I think about this Im paying for them to live via taxes... oh well, would rather help my fellow man then see these morons starve due to stupidity.

reply to post by aryaputhra


1. Bullies will be bullies,most that I have come across come from abusive homes.They take they're anger out on the other kids as they can't inflict the pain on the adult that is abusing them.
2.In any society you will have bullies as it is part of the human condition.There will always be those that are more aggressive than the rest of the people.
3.What has changed is that kids go to school and those that wish to 'do the right thing' find themselves being bullied and the school is telling them not to do anything about it.The parents don't tell them how to deal with it due to they're own ignorance or beliefs,so the child is left out in the cold being tortured with no way out(or so it seems).
4. There is no sense in raising pacifistic children when the gov. can and in time WILL take your kids and try to make killers out of them for they're wars.

Having been both bullied and been the one doing the bullying (to those that were torturing disabled children) I had to learn how to deal with them even though I had been pacifistic up until middle school. I kept getting beat up and coming home crying.My mom just shrugged and didn't know what to do,it was when I went to my dad that he told me he had been teaching me how to fight since I was 4 years old for a reason,and I needed to use what I was taught and defend myself.

My father was a former street fighter (not a gang member),Korean war vet and had a stop over in Japan while recovering from an injury in Korea, he was there for several months and spent his time talking to a master in Ju jitsu .He compared fighting styles and movements with the master to share what he had learned as well as learn from the master.And this is what he taught me.

The fact is, you will never be able to dictate to parents how to raise they're kids,those that will be abusive will do so no matter what the law.Just look at the news everyday and you'll see this for a fact.Therefore you will have bullies no matter what happens.
I have known kids that were being tortured by bullies and I tried to encourage them to stand up for themselves to back the bully down.But there will always be kids that have learned to be victims.

If you look at our closest relatives chimps you will see at times bullying going on between them.Teach your kids how to deal with them.If they get in trouble at school for defending themselves support them .If the school had they're way, no one would ever be able to defend themselves and would make the perfect victim.The schools aren't paying for your kid's therapy.There will be times in the adult world when they will have to protect themselves and stand up for themselves.They have to learn this in childhood.

aryaputhra
reply to post by grumpy64

 

So sorry to hear that you and your daughter were bullied. It is interesting to hear that you eventually became aggressive as well – swearing, hurling abuse, spitting et al. Unfortunately if one is not careful, it could create a repetitive vicious cycle as one gets used to it. I think bullies find a way of fitting into society when they find there’s someone weaker than them. It is their way of getting acceptance in a world that probably didn’t provide them much acceptance.

edit on 14-10-2013 by aryaputhra because: (no reason given)

I think there is more than one reason that people become bullies but your theory is probably one of them. As to my situation, I don't think I would have ever got used to behaving like that as it was a response to a particular one off situation. Two of my daughters left school due to bullying and are doing much better at other institutions now, thanks. They are pretty and smart and I guess other girls were jealous.

Kids are taught from the start about Darwinian evolution. It's survival of the fittest. For millions of years, mother Nature weeds out the weak, and only the strong survive. They start putting it into practice, and the same group that indoctrinated them in the first place, now condemns them. How can people with a straight face tell someone that we "evolved" to this point by our ancestors beating out other species, and yet when the strong prey upon the weak, people are outraged? Be consistent.

reply to post by Dimithae


I agree with every word you wrote. I grew up in a city in Michigan that if you didn't stand up for yourself and learn how to defend yourself you will be picked on here and there. I believe it is part of development in a childs life. I have four children three boys and one girl. I tell all of them that if anyone picks on you you are to ask them to stop one time. If they do not stop, take care of it. My kids are smart and good kids. They have all been picked on once. I received my first pair of boxing gloves at age of six. I teach my kids respect and defence. I do not push it on them. They choose to learn without even knowing it. Bullying is a term that has been blown out of proportion over the years.
I remember getting in fights at school on the playground. I have stood up for the kids that were being picked on many times. Its obvious that its a part of life. People learn from it. There are limits to it. I believe the kid that commits a act to harm their self and claim it is from bullying which caused them to do it. these kids have issues other than being picked on. Parents have taken this term to heart and made school systems afraid of letting kids play football or even touch each other in games at school. I remember being paddled by the principal at school. I learned quickly from that. Most of the problem IMO is that parents are not allowed to punish their kids. I can go on for ever on this but I will stop.