Why are YOU so mad?

Originally posted by Itisnowagain

Originally posted by Bluesma
You don't believe there is any "one" that can influence "what arises" so I know this does not apply in your belief system, but from where I sit, see, I work in training animals, and raised children.

If you have the idea that people need training then that could be the reason you are attacked - just a thought.
Maybe they don't like the idea.

Well, I don't approach people with the idea of training them, so at first this comment just seemed too absurd to respond to. It seemed you missed my point- which is that we all are influenced by each other.
How a person acts and reacts can vary according to how the person in front of them is acting.

I think even your other comments illustrate that you understand that concept- like you understand that you will be less sympathetic to a person who is attacking you.... your behavior partly a result of their behavior.
Does that mean they are "training" you?

My personal view is that in relationships, each individual influences the other.

Which brings up why someone would want to avoid being in relation to another. When people are very concerned with not being influenced by something or someone else often want to stay detached and avoid relating.

I can say it is sometimes true of me. Perhaps it is my repulsion to entering relation with the person that provokes them.

I do not respond and reflect, so it is obvious I judge their behavior as undesireable. Perhaps they'd rather have me yell and act violent back. This is what they are looking for.

I would rather relate with them in a different way. I'd like to be warmer, more affectionate, and quieter in our exchanges. But some people may find that way of being scary- because more vulnerable, more "weak" seeming.
If they see the world as a jungle full of dangers, they might be thinking that being that way is just plain stupid.
(and the ways I have been hurt and left with sequels can be proof to them of that!)

Going off on a tangent, I have been wondering why the americans have a international reputation for being warmongering bullies, and yet the people themselves are more often extremely gentle, kind and respectful.
French people on vacation expect a sort of Klingon society, and come back aghast at how nice people were!

The opposite is true of France- their reputation internationally is of weak bleeding heart conflict avoiders... but the people themselves are of a aggressive combativeness that is striking.

Made me wonder if having a big powerful daddy-government and military is what makes us feel safe enough to be gentle and open in our own territory, and they not having that, feel less protected, having to comprensate for the lack of protection on their own?

(nothing to do with you or your comments, Itsnowagain, I am currently trying to figure out things around me and chewing my cod here, the thread topic stirring my brainstorming)

Originally posted by Bluesma

Originally posted by Itisnowagain

I initially replied to this.

Originally posted by Bluesma
It seems the only people I have trouble emphathizing with are these hostile aggressive ones, because the attack makes me flee inside my shell to protect myself, rather than remain "open".

Here you state that you have trouble empathising with 'the hostile aggressive ones' - I didn't think you were referring to a tired child or a horse with saddle sore. In my opinion the 'hostile aggressive ones' are not attractive and do not need empathy.
How can you genuinely feel empathy for someone when they are attacking you - are you not feeling fear?

A tired child or a sore horse can act very hostile, they can even hurt you. Same with adult people.
Obviously whether they "need" empathy or not is dependant upon intent.
If you do not wish to enter into relation of any sort with them, then of course there is no reason.

If they are family, a friend, a coworker,.... anyone you have to deal with and cannot ignore, then there is reason for empathy, understanding and more effective communication as a result.

Yes, I can feel empathy for someone who is attacking me. I have felt empathy for someone at the same time she broke my arm! She was very depressed, frustrated and in a situation where she herself was being physically abused... so I could understand what was happening.

That doesn't mean I don't employ fight or flight behavior in response- it means I do so with love and compassion for the person I am fighting or fleeing.



When it comes to people I know well, I can find that empathy even if they are being aggressive and violent.
If it is a stranger, and I do not know anything about them, their live, or current situation, it is harder to do in that moment.

I have seen people attack others about their weight or for the way they look and it is not pleasant - I do not have empathy for them. It is like having empathy for a cat when it is killing a mouse. The cat is doing what it does and if I were a mouse I would stay away from the cat.
People will only do what they habitually do until something changes. Friends and family and co workers are what surrounds us in life and if they are being hostile and aggressive then the world is a battle field. If your friends and family are hostile and aggressive then what are your enemies like? Do you associate with a lot of violent people?

I am not really sure how this aggressive hostility manifests in your life. Are you saying that people just abuse you without you even speaking? Or is it during an argument on the street, at work and at home?
From what you wrote earlier you say that they goad you, push you for a reaction. They want something that you are unwilling to give - ammunition for a battle.

Originally posted by Bluesma

Originally posted by Itisnowagain

Originally posted by Bluesma
You don't believe there is any "one" that can influence "what arises" so I know this does not apply in your belief system, but from where I sit, see, I work in training animals, and raised children.

If you have the idea that people need training then that could be the reason you are attacked - just a thought.
Maybe they don't like the idea.

Well, I don't approach people with the idea of training them, so at first this comment just seemed too absurd to respond to. It seemed you missed my point- which is that we all are influenced by each other.

Years ago I went to see a councillor who was based at my work and I explained to her what was happening for me and how rubbish life was for me. It was so bad, so very bad, for me that I would have tried anything - it was not just a bad day that I was having, it was all so wrong. I knew there was a work based counselling service available at that place of work and that is what made me apply for the job - I knew I needed help.
Anyway her advice was 'keep quiet'.
As you say " How a person acts and reacts can vary according to how the person in front of them is acting."
I took the counsellors advice and kept quiet and it was amazing how much life changed - once I untangled myself from everything I could see much clearer. I also found that conflict for me had disappeared but was still continuing around but was not mine - I felt lighter, life was light.

Since I posted I thought hard about what makes me mad during the time that my neurotransmitters were activating that process, and I was very happy that 'people' rarely make me mad. It is important to me that I do not judge anybody on the street or in the city. There are a billion personalities, that is the way nature made it, we are not evolved to be super beings and need to be forgiven for not being able to do everything in our utmost to contribute to a utopia type environment. My aunt told my family for my to take my job profile off the internet even though I am getting leads from the site. They say I am not good enough so I should just take it down, they don't tell me I should change it to make it better, all the while it is helping me - maybe not the greatest but proving to be better than nothing. But I know it doesn't have anything to do with that and all it means is that they are trying to hurt my feelings or make me mad. I mean what else logic would that have? But again it is a person issue so anything to do with a person should not get me mad or feeling negative - because I know what is behind the psychology of being negative and being positive, showing people love and not showing people love - and what is the action of why they do that, why they think that. I feel like my back has been up against the wall for more than 10 years because every time I walk outside people act as if they don't like me. It just comes down to feeling good and why would you want others to feel good, and why they don't want you to feel good, and why you deserve to feel good.

So I was mostly getting very mad at myself, and mostly because of the issue of time. For example if you are heading to an appointment and late, then you make a wrong turn and get lost. Something like that makes me mad and during that process it is very hard to not be mad even when you are thinking about all of this and looking at yourself.

greyer
Since I posted I thought hard about what makes me mad during the time that my neurotransmitters were activating that process, and I was very happy that 'people' rarely make me mad. It is important to me that I do not judge anybody on the street or in the city. There are a billion personalities, that is the way nature made it, we are not evolved to be super beings and need to be forgiven for not being able to do everything in our utmost to contribute to a utopia type environment. My aunt told my family for my to take my job profile off the internet even though I am getting leads from the site. They say I am not good enough so I should just take it down, they don't tell me I should change it to make it better, all the while it is helping me - maybe not the greatest but proving to be better than nothing. But I know it doesn't have anything to do with that and all it means is that they are trying to hurt my feelings or make me mad. I mean what else logic would that have? But again it is a person issue so anything to do with a person should not get me mad or feeling negative - because I know what is behind the psychology of being negative and being positive, showing people love and not showing people love - and what is the action of why they do that, why they think that. I feel like my back has been up against the wall for more than 10 years because every time I walk outside people act as if they don't like me. It just comes down to feeling good and why would you want others to feel good, and why they don't want you to feel good, and why you deserve to feel good.

So I was mostly getting very mad at myself, and mostly because of the issue of time. For example if you are heading to an appointment and late, then you make a wrong turn and get lost. Something like that makes me mad and during that process it is very hard to not be mad even when you are thinking about all of this and looking at yourself.

Thanks for your reply Greyer!

You know... in your example you gave you stated that taking a wrong turn would have made you mad... but I've found in life that everything happens for a reason... no matter how insignificant it might be...

Perhaps for example... When you took that wrong turn, you might have avoided an accident just up the road... Not necessarily something that would have happened to you, but it might have made you even later then you actually were...

Remember in life not only do most people judge others... but they will also judge a situation or incident, even when it might have been for the better