Would You Participate In A Wedding, That Was Not For Love?

So, a while ago, a friend of hubby asked him if he would stand up for him at a courthouse ceremony. He also asked if I would stand up for his girlfriend. Hubby said yes. I said no.
I have been around this couple for a while. I had asked him in the past why he said and did some of the things he does and he was honest with me about loving but not being in love.

Well, at a recent custody hearing regarding a child that he only recently was told about, the judge told him that while they obviously provide the most stable environment for this child, it would be better if they were married. So, that's what they decided to do.
Mind you, both are older and have grown children, been married before, ect.

My problem with it was my own. I have had a previous marriage, got married for the wrong reason, and went through hell. I sure wasn't about to encourage someone else to do the same.
So, I sat down with her, and asked her some really personal questions, regarding the situation, how she felt about everything, including why I said no.

Well, she convinced me. She knew the reasoning, how he felt, even the most likely outcome. She was doing this for the child and for him, because the current situation really is that bad.

So, I participated. I also learned that while my ideals regarding marriage are something I stand by, for myself, there are others that don't feel the same, or are at a point in their life, where they may be looking for something different, or not looking for anything at all. Just trying to do the right thing.

I realize that there could be a whole different post, regarding if doing this for a child is even right for this child, but in this situation, knowing those involved, including the child, this is the right thing.

So, if someone asked you to participate in a wedding, and you knew they weren't "In Love", would you?

Is it an open bar at the reception?

reply to post by butcherguy


LOL Not at this one, no reception! But he did promise to bring some beer down to the garage!

reply to post by chiefsmom


In a word , no.

In my veiw, if things are so bad one way or another, that the only way to fix a situation so that a child can be where he or she will recieve the best environment is to marry under false pretences, then things need to change. Bowing to the problem by marrying falsely is not doing anyone any favours long term. The correct response to a system so broken is to BEAT the problem into submission with unrelenting force, not get on your knees and move within its cluttered and outmoded channels despite knowing that its all a massive pile of dung.

Also, there are few things I dislike worse than oathbreakers, especially those who would swear an oath or vow that they never intended to keep.

Is there free good food?

Will there be hot women there?

Is there a open bar?

If the awnser to either of them is yes then It could arranged marriage for all I care im there

reply to post by TrueBrit


While I do agree that things need to change, and drastically, unfortunately change cannot happen fast enough for this situation. Even with ridiculously expensive lawyers.

And while I am still not thrilled about the oath, as you stated, at least they had been in a long term, committed relationship before this. I believe they probably would have continued to live together for quite some years, unmarried.

reply to post by crazyewok


Ok that brings up a good point.
You wouldn't care if all those things were going on, but what if you actually had to spend money on a tux/dress and other things to participate?

reply to post by chiefsmom
I would do it. It sounds like they are both going into it with their eyes wide open and even though not "in love" do feel love for each other and are trying to do what they feel is best to be able to help the child in question. Many happy, successful marriages have been founded on much, much less- and it's not like they are still very young and don't understand what they're getting themselves into. I would support the marriage.

Originally posted by chiefsmom
reply to post by crazyewok

 

Ok that brings up a good point.
You wouldn't care if all those things were going on, but what if you actually had to spend money on a tux/dress and other things to participate?

Now if i had to spend money the no.

Infact even if it was 2 freinds in love i would say screw em. Why should i pay for there love, they should be paying me

reply to post by chiefsmom


I've participated in more than one wedding I didn't believe was for the right reason, or that it would last. So far, I've been right on those counts (well, off on ONE, but really, they are both miserable and only still together for the kid), but eh...their mistakes to make, not mine. I'm not their parent, and after giving my advice, I can't force them into anything else.

This is pretty easy to answer when you simply throw out the hollow concept of love and simply look at what a marriage really is, a business deal. Literally.

Attraction exists for a lot of reasons but love is a disorder people suffer from in order to make themselves seem right, less alone, less desperate etc.

Everything here makes more sense without it.

reply to post by chiefsmom


Yep I sure would, I will tell you why. Marrying for love is a fairly new concept. We in the modern day imagine it has having always being that way but it wasn't. More often than not it was little more than a business arrangement. So when you are asked to do the honors of participating in a wedding whether or not you feel they should be getting married, it isn't your place to judge that.

Is it one of those situations where she is more in love with him and willing to do anything to prove it? If so, then I think it's really a bit tragic, but ultimately her choice.

Either way, props to them for helping the child, and there are far worse reasons to get married. It sounds like the guy has been honest, so I applaud him for that and for taking responsibility. I applaud her too.

Perhaps this will spark something and they will fall in love. I would have a hard time not falling in love with a woman willing to marry me to help my child. Obviously they were together before, so there's at least something there.

Interesting question OP. I really do hope everything works out well for everyone involved. I don't think you should be feeling any guilt if you voiced concerns, after all these are adults.

reply to post by Domo1


That exactly was my concern. I thought she was "In Love" with him, whereas I knew how he felt. So, that's why I had the sit down with her. Turns out, she feels the same way, loves him, but not in love, and knows that may never happen.
She says they are comfortable. And I think, because they are older, maybe that is enough? They have each other and are not alone.

Oh, and they have a custody hearing coming up in two weeks, and everything is looking good and in their favor. Hopefully the child can start school here, without having to be pulled from somewhere else after it starts.

Hi OP and Everyone,
Everlasting romantic love is a concept perpetuated by fairy tales. How many couples actually live 'happily ever after'?
You never really know how another person is feeling...or what their personal motive for getting married is. A lot of people claim to be 'in love', when truthfully they are looking for companionship, security, or even sex.
This couple may not be 'in love' with each other, but apparently they share a love for this child. (Lots of married folks stay married for the sake of the children).
I think you (OP) need to remove your own experiences from the mix...what happened to you will not necessarily happen to them.
Perhaps they have a better chance for success by being honest about their reason for marrying....to give a stable home to a child they both love...instead of expecting infinite bliss.
Marriage/partnership takes more than long smoldering stares...it takes commitment.
jacygirl

Yes, I would.

From what I know about love is that you want to support the people you care about. It doesn't mean you agree or approve but that you can offer your support when a loved one needs it.

After my parents divorce that I took very hard, my father remarried a 27 year old woman- three years older than me at the time. I still attended their wedding- one of only three family members to do so. Inevitably they were divorced within a year. Duh! But I still went.

Besides, love-based marriages are a relatively new concept. So if a two people were getting married for practical reasons like raising a child together, I wouldn't morally object.