Should I repay family for how they treated me and my sig other during our life crisis?

Originally posted by verschickter
reply to post by pityocamptes

 

I do not want to reduce my post to my question nor do I know your traditions or their meanings and how most/other people that live in your region. But if it´s not understood as token gesture, go for it.

I really think the bigger issue in all of this, is not so much taking the food, but the preception that my sig other takes away from it. Especially if she sees that part of my family bringing food for this loss, whereas they could be bothered less (though they promised) during her loss of her mother. I do see differences between how I (we) get treated and how they treat my other siblings and extended family. I don't know. I know the right think is to take some food by and offer condolences. It just pisses me off that parts of my family talk about how "sad" they are for my siblings sig others loss, but never expressed themeselves in such a manner with the loss of my sig others mom... double standard.

reply to post by pityocamptes


Op, I can tell you from personal experience, that 2 wrongs dont make a right.

However, in my case, I really enjoy paying back the idiocy of my parents, with the best method possible.

They werent good, or loving, or nurturing, or hell, even supportive, ever.

They wouldnt help me when i was going to college, they trash talked me when i got married to a girl they didnt like, they trash talked her when we broke up, blaming all worlds ills on her, like they were saints, and she was somehow far less worthy than them.

They now pay for it every single day of their lives, as i ignore their calls, return their presents, flat out ignore them when i take the kids to see them on rare occasions, mostly just holidays.

Hell i havent seen or talked to my father in years, and couldnt be happier.

If they dont wanna act like parents, or treat me and mine with the respect we deserve, it is ok.

I will simply follow Einsteins advice on the subject, and not participate in any activity I do not agree with.

They are never going to admit they were wrong, nor will they even apologize. So I will simply treat them with the same amount of acknowledgement they treat their many failings with, none.

They hurt, they suffer, and they have at times even begged for me to talk with them, I ask them to own up to what happened when I was a kid, them abandoning us, letting us starve so their girl friends and boyfriends could eat steak etc.... They try to tell me I dont understand. I am a parent , I would never treat my children this way, I do understand, they are selfish, uncaring SOBs. So I feel no pity, nor could I care, let the die knowing they pissed away their childs love, all because they cant admit to being POS parents, I really dont care, the ball is and has been in their court for years, they dont enjoy playing the game they started,

It isnt the ideal situation, but it is what I would call making the best of a bad scenario.

Just remember though, when one sets out for revenge, one should dig 2 graves first, because it often ends in both sides losing more than either had planned from the start.

reply to post by littled16


Now I see, thank you for that.
2nd.

Originally posted by Theflyingweldsman
reply to post by pityocamptes

 

Jesus taught us to feed the birds and love our neighbours.

Treat others not as they treat you,

but as you would have them treat you.

Be the change you want to see.

Sometimes feeding parasites is not wise.

Automatic behaviour like that teaches nothing to anyone except that expectations will always be met and no thought or effort is needed to create an advantageous outcome.

Idealistic me thinks and trying to be a good person all the time doesn't always mean you are doing good when you look at the big picture.

Cruel to be kind 'n all that.

reply to post by inverslyproportional


Watch out, this could be something you really start to regret someday, when its to late. I was once in a slightly similar situation. If it backfires, you can´t imagine the grief. It´s like you´re hungry and think you really could eat 2 pizza and then after the first one, suddenly your cant imagine to eat another one.

*I´m known for my bad comparements so try to find the core meaning.

reply to post by inverslyproportional


Thanks. Not quite that bad on my side, though I did refuse to talk to my parents and siblings several years ago, for several years. I had a bad accident a few years ago, though technically dead, I am here (sometimes feel like I did die and went to hell ) - and since my view of life has changed, I try to be kinder and more understanding, forgiving, etc. Trying to please my family and my sig other, especially when I see wrong doing, is very challenging.

Its funny though, when I call my siblings or parents on the blatent disparity, they get accusative and deny, deny, deny... and try to shift the blame to me... I'll take some food, but it still pisses me off how much differently I (we) get treated...

reply to post by pityocamptes


You can't expect people to act the way you do and although ideal you can't hold them to your standards...don't ever do anything expecting something in return...

I try never to base my actions on the actions of others. Do what you think is the right thing. Don't base your actions on what someone else did.

reply to post by pityocamptes
Your questions and your line of thinking leaves no doubt. You need not bother taking any IQ lower pill, you're already there!

reply to post by pityocamptes


Take the high road. Don't just think you're a better person. PROVE it. They'll know the score, even if they keep it to themselves...

How to you combine revenge with what others perhaps have innocently "done" to you?
such a response is far worse because while they were maybe not thoughtful, you want to entertain the idea of malicious revenge.

Buck up to being the right kind of human, and carry some damned food to them.
If that is the worst thing in your life right now, you are blessed.

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by pityocamptes

 

Take the high road. Don't just think you're a better person. PROVE it. They'll know the score, even if they keep it to themselves...

Agreed. Even if you only pick up a bucket of fried chicken, take a platter to serve it on....they will know how low they treated you and yours. You don't have to prove anything else to to anyone. They will see you took the higher road, when they did not.

Actions speak louder than words.

Des

Wise words here.

Do not be angry with people.

Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering


The Path of righteousness is a high one, but an easy path to follow.

You only change course when you make a decision.

Then you ask yourself "is this the right thing to do?"

If it is, do it.

If not, don't.

Then you always make the right choices for You.

Choose your path....Righteousness or Self-righteousness.

reply to post by pityocamptes

Hmmmm.... repay like for like, or take the high road. If so, why?

...you take the high road.
Just because your family was a bunch of inconsiderate punks doesn't mean you have to be.

There are two schools of thought on this sort of conflict.

The first is that you do what you believe to be right, without regard for them ever reciprocating. Not because they deserve it, but because you hold genuine compassion for them even if they do not show you the same.

The second is, "people treat you how you teach them to treat you." Which means, essentially, if you allow people to mistreat you without consequence, even if you object, they will learn to continue to treat you that way.

In my experience, both points of view are true. And they are not mutually exclusive in my opinion. The real question - in my view - shouldn't be, "what is the right thing to do?" but rather, "can I find it within myself to feel genuine compassion for these people?" Or another way of putting it, "What would my reason be for doing this for them? To genuinely offer love and help, or just so I feel comfortable with myself morally?"

What good is the moral without the basis for it, in this case compassion? Without that the moral is just a rule one follows to feel good about oneself in my opinion. So while it is true that people tend to treat you the way you teach them to, it's also true that you can, in spite of how they treat you, in spite of any sense of fairness or anger you might feel, find compassion for them within yourself.

Or, maybe you can't. In which case, I wouldn't bring them any food solely as a baseless, token gesture. But I suspect you can once you set aside the anger, if you can.

Just my two cents.

Peace.

Karmas a bitch, only when you are......

be the better man ... dont lower yourself to their level ...